Pregnant teens and midwives - oh my!

So, i finally drafted and wrote an email to my midwife. . . to tell her how i feel and why i chose to file a complaint. It took much processing and talking to many different people, analyzing birth records (which where so off that it frustrated me to no end) . Imagine trying to write an email , but your hands are shaking so hard you can't type...that was me. A very difficult thing to do, and i can imagine, a very difficult thing for her to read.
she responded, and i don't even know how to take or respond to her response. i am planning to set up an appointment with another midwife just to get a (non involved) midwife's perspective...UGH i would rather just not think about any of this, but i can't let my baby girl down that way. i owe it to her to dig and uncover truth..

As of today, we are officially licensed through our new agency! and two days ago and yesterday they were calling me about two pregnant teens..lol
what happened to me getting a baby????
one of the teens is 16 and newly pregnant.
the other is 19 ,newly pregnant and has a 13 month old. apparently you can stay in care if still in school and have nowhere to go.

ahh the meandering mind of a grieving mother

it's snowing here today- YES- SNOW in Austin , TX- stranger things have happened you know...
this winter they (the weather people that is) keep teasing us..telling us "it's going to SNOW tomorrow-hear that? SNOW!" but alas it hasn't, the last four times that is..but today it really did. it started as slush, then hard pellets of ice---to this Lucca said "SNOW!" and ran outside only to be pelted "ouch!". then an hour later fat, lovely snow...everything was quiet except for the sound of snow falling. i forgot what that sounds like. i was giddy, taking pictures, playing outside with the three little kids. what a beautiful sight...

and here i am going to give you a glimpse at the workings of my mind-which is constantly on some kind of emotional-hyper drive.

As the snow started to fall, i was reminded of how the first time they warned of snow, i was sure Aquila would be born. I was so sure she would be born in the snow. i knew there was something special about her, and snow in Texas, well i thought that would fit her perfectly.

you were supposed
to be born in snow,
winter child.
instead,
my heart froze over
the day of your birth.
and the sky,
well it stayed clear.
only my world grew grey.
for everyone else
the sun kept shining

so i wrote that poem
and i felt sad.

at the same time as feeling giddy about the snow i was sad about the snow. and then i was looking at my yard, slowly being transformed into bright white, and this hymn came into my head (where it has played on repeat ever since)

Jesus paid it all
all to him i owe
sin had left a crimson stain
he washed me white as snow


and i was overwhelmed in the feelings of amazement and gratefulness for Jesus who washed us so clean. he didn't just cover our sins, like the snow covers the ground, hiding the filth- he washes it. he removes it! and then i am filled with JOY.

At the same time i am also feeling a deep and draining longing to have a baby (any baby) here in the house...my mind bounces from why haven't they called to tell us our license is in? to when can i get pregnant again? to how can i convince someone to let me watch their baby instead of a daycare...
Then there are the distractions- like the vacation i booked to Hawaii for next month (booked during all the snow this morning), the ballroom dancing lessons i suggested to Gabe we sign up for, the top shelf margaritas i learned to make, the art..anything , anything to take my mind off her...because it is too much to focus on a dead baby all day long..to look at the same pictures hundreds of times..to close my eyes and try to remember each of the few minutes i held her...

ugh..and this happens all day long, my friends- JOY, sadness, longing, amazement, distraction...all wrapped up in one head.

2 months gone

my dearest Aquila-
you should be turning two months old today. i had to look online to see what you should be doing, because i still picture you are a newborn, frozen in time..well i guess you are..

What’s It Like To Be Two Months Old?
My head is a little wobbly when I am propped up. Put your hand
behind my neck and head for support.
I can hold my head up for a few seconds when I’m on my stomach.
I hold onto things for a little while.
I move my arms and legs. I "bicycle" with my feet when I get excited.
I gurgle, laugh and smile when I am happy.
I cry when I am hungry, scared or uncomfortable.
I am aware of different voices and people.
I stay awake during the day. But I usually take naps throughout the day.
I make cooing sounds.
I begin to stare at my hands.
I follow you with my eyes to watch you move around.
I stare at people and at things.
I smile at other people, not just at my mother.
I quiet down when I suck my fingers, a bottle or a pacifier.


then i got really weird and did an image search for two month old babies. i found this picture and it broke my heart because it look so much like you and Lucca should look. that should be you grinning. i miss you so much.


and then there is this video. that should be you and your daddy!

two months has been so completely LONG. i have aged years for sure. how could someone so little leave such a big hole??????

bertha -our basset hound 2003?-2010

We got Bertha from the Basset rescue 4 years ago.
it is safe to say, Bertha loved everyone... and she loved bacon, and the couch. she was a good dog, always trustworthy with children..not so much with left out food! Betha had a serious medical condition which forced me to have to put her to sleep today. what a poopy day!

WE love you Bertha!!!!!!

mer baby

So, i have not written in a few days- mostly because i feel like i have nothing to say- but, i convinced myself that since it is 8:10 am and no one but me is awake in the house, i need to take this time and use it!

the fostering front-
We met with the lady from our new agency two nights ago. she is just wonderful, truly a gift from God. i had said i was never going to take another placement from LSSS , but after Aquila died i just wanted the easiest thing. but God had other plans...so LSSS denied me , which forced me into interviewing other agencies. and now i have found a better match for our family BY FAR. i felt so much peace after the first phone conversation with them. i knew this is where we are supposed to be right now. i have also heard through the grapevine that placements are picking up , so i actually have a shot at getting a baby. the thought of have a sweet baby to care for makes my heart sing right now. what a gift that would be!
so, she told us we should have our license by this friday, so pray for us to get the placement that God wants here as soon as possible!

on the healing front-
we have been going to this grief group for parents who have lost children and it has been so healing. there are two other mamas there who lost babies (both around 6 months old).it is so refreshing to have a conversation with someone who understands. although, my heart breaks for them. this is the club no one wants to join, and no one wants more members to be added, but we still welcome them with open arms- IYKWIM
i also met one of tristan's friend's mother who recently lost a child to stillbirth. again it was the feeling of relief that i could talk to someone who gets it. i don't have to feel like a burden, or a downer. i know it doesn't bother these mamas, because i know i am hungry to hear their stories too.

on the art front-
my newest media has been polymer clay. i have been making babies, which is so engrossing and hands on, i love it. here is one of my babies (i am slowly getting better)

Kiryn

Kiryn was born when i was too young to have a head on my shoulders. His father was just a fling, nothing serious...till the pregnancy test that proved everything was about to get real serious. he hung around for about a month after that, then found himself another girl and didn't show up till Kiryn was born. he came to the hospital, then left town (after so kindly giving me a 20$ bill , oh what class), not to show his face again until Kiryn was 3 months old. The next time we saw him was when Kiryn turned one..then something blossomed, and i , in my still naieve youth, became joined at the hip to him again. It seemed good for the first 2 months, but then quickly went sour. Then he called me from out of town (i didnt know he left) because he had gotton a girl pregnant (while still with me) and he was leaving me for her. he went on to marry her, and did not see Kiryn again until oct 05 when the attorney general dragged him into court for owing me 14K in child support arears... he has not seen him to this day. so finally after Gabe has been acting as Kiryns father for 7 years, we made it official. Kiryn is a Paparella. Kiryn has a father who loves him!!! and Gabe is amazing :)

to read it, click on the picture to make it larger.

nothing new in the land of the baby lost

this is something that seems to be true across the board- when you have lost a baby, at some point, you feel you run out of new things to say. i find myself , well silent often...alone with my thoughts. cause, honestly-who wants to hear the same things over and over----even i don't....

i mean, i am really doing quite well when you think of how i could be doing. i am sleeping at night without prescriptions, and it takes a situation like explaining to an OB why it is not too soon for me (emotionally) to get pregnant, to make me cry (which of course did not do a good job proving my point..)

I can only attribute my healing and strength to God, as i have never felt weaker in my life. he is carrying me and it is wonderful to just curl up in Daddy's arms and feel the world rock around me.

I don't know how i could have waded through the murky depths without my Lord- i surely would have drowned...

Psalm 94: 17-19
Unless the Lord had given me help,
i would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When i said, "my foot is slipping"
your love, oh Lord, supported me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Great Expectations- Acrylic on canvas

remembrance jewelry

this is from the vintage pearl


from here Betsy's love a necklace hand blown to encase a lock of Aquila's hair

also, the ladies at my bible study gave me a beautiful James Avery necklace that has Aquila's initials and says on the back "you are always in my heart" but i don't have a picture of it yet

my purple heart

for my daughter for valentine's day