Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Aquila's birth story





Birth of Aquila Jade Paparella- (written to my baby girl) Dec 19th 2009

Day of the 18th- overdue and hurting..had so many rounds of “false” labor. Take castor oil. Get the runs, but no labor. Still, I feel like you will be born tomorrow. Saturday...Saturday's child works hard for a living. I lay out the waterproof mat on my bed.
Midnight- wake up..why?? then GUSH..soak the waterproof pad. Giddy inside. You are coming today! I put on a pad and pull out the laptop..excitement...internet...contractions here and there.
4am- decide to sleep since they aren't getting stronger. Sleep till 6. get up and go on about my day.
11am- contractions have become regular. Gabe calls Yoshimi, the hair braider. . Amy comes to be my support, my friend..

Yoshimi braids my hair while I bounce on the birth ball. She pauses her braiding for me to moan through the surges.

(here is where I lose track of time- you are born at 5:26pm)
My hair is braided and I call Faith (midwife) to tell her I NEED to get in my tub-this hurts! I get in tub- bring more hot water-this is cold!..laboring...Call Katie Jo (photographer) and Faith, both will come in one hour...this is getting heavy..my back hurts so bad- did she turn posterior??
Faith comes, Katie Jo comes. Faith says that your heart rate is too high, baby girl...180... I check myself and can barely feel cervix.






Laboring...can't.keep.voice.low..feeling pushy at the end of each one. I pass three chunks of bloody mucus. Faith wants to check me- only 5-6- WHAT?! I can't do this. They (contractions/monsters?) are coming so strong, so close together...HOW can this not be doing anything??

They say I have to get out. my temp is too high. Baby, you need to cool off. Hopefully to lower your heart rate. Out I go, SO COLD out here. Dribbling, little gushes of blood. Worry.. I WANT AN Epidural... how can I make it that far??THEY won't stop holding me in vice grips, won't let go...

She checks me again-no change- your heart rate has dropped-160- they are glad...i am so scared... like a trapped animal I cry out from my eyes- to Gabe-to Faith- to Amy. I can't do this, I keep saying that. Moaning is screaming now. NO!>>>


We will go to the hospital..dressing. From room, down hall, down stairs- so many contractions. Two steps...stop scream...two steps...stop scream...downstairs, my children are watching TV.







outside-cold, bright, sunny...neighbor's children playing.
NO, not a contraction in front of them. Trying to hide inside Amy's car door. But... “i have to poop” they are laughing- that's the baby! I don't want to deliver in the driveway so back inside we run. pain has stopped, but I feel you right there, on the brink.
I head strait for the white couch. “Kiryn, OFF!” I shout. The children are herded upstairs by Bethany. I climb up, facing the back of the couch. You are crowning. I support with my left hand, and cup your growing head with my right. So slippery, hot.wet... you drop into my hands like to heavy, wet blobs. You fall to the couch. I hear Faith yelling (wait, Faith does not yell??), “pick her up!”
I do, I pick you up, but say “i can't any farther, her cord is too short” I look at your face. Blood is running from your nose. Your eyes are closed. No movement. Faith is sucking blood from your mouth with hers. She yells “get me my bulb syringe!” I try to wipe the blood from you nose, rub your back...
I sit down next to you, legs spread, you laying limp and white in between. They (faith, Amy) are working on you. CPR, chest compressions (looks like the doll from CPR class two months before) ...DeLee. I am sobbing, rubbing your feet. So long ago Faith called out, “someone call 911!”. such a limp foot... I touch the cord to see if it is pulsing. It is cold, collapsed...time has no meaning when a baby is silent..
CRY , baby, CRY! Sobbing..EMS flood the room, all around my baby. Faith says, “is that your placenta?” I am moaning, contracting. I think it is...but, no it is a clot, the same size ..then more smaller balls of blood. Another contraction...placenta...GUSH
Me, asking Faith, “is there any way she could live?”
….............................. “she's not going to make it”
I know it's true , baby, I know it. But, still they are working. They are taking you away from me, loading you up, headed for the children's hospital.
I never see you warm again. They are loading me up. BLOOD everywhere, soaking, standing, staining....you were born in a river of blood, baby girl....

33 comments:

kcrack said...

These pictures are beautiful and your words so dear. Praying for your sweet family.

Unknown said...

Oh God mama, I'm so sorry. The same thing happened to me in October of 2008. My story is also in my blog if you want to see. My heart hurts for you - I wish this didn't have to happen to anyone, ever. *HUGE huge hugs* XxXxXxX

Adrienne Jones said...

Oh, Mama. I weep for you. I pray that you feel the presence of the Creator even in the midst of this terrible grief.

Lilyofthevalley - Tanya said...

I am so sorry... Praying the Lord continues to bring you comfort during this time of grieving.

Amy @ Experience Imagination said...

I am so sorry you lost your darling little one. You have written her story beautifully.

jahkamakura said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. You are so brave. I'm so happy that the nurse was able to hold Aquila. She so deserved it.

Rochelle said...

Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story with us all. As soon as I saw your post on MDC, my heart just dropped. I am so very sorry, your family will be in my thoughts.

Angela said...

I am so very sorry about your beautiful baby. (((hug))) Praying for your family.

Angela (AngelBee on MDC)

Liz said...

i just want everyone to know that checking my blog and seeing responses is getting me through each day. it makes me feel like i am doing something for her, when i know people are reading about her....

Fireflyforever said...

Your daughter is so beautiful. I am so sorry that she didn't make it through to her wonderful, loving family. I am thinking of you.

Jill (from MDC)

Andy and Lindsey said...

Saw your link from mothering.com. Aquilla is a beautiful, beautiful daughter. I'm glad you were able to give her a nice birth. I know you mention it as being a bit chaotic, but it looks very serene and peaceful from the pictures. Thank you for sharing her story. Praying for your family from here in Iowa.

Amanda T said...

Oh mama, there are no words.... yet I can't read this and say nothing. I know the lump in my throat as I read this is nothing compared to the pain you must feel. I don't know you, but I am thinking of you and your precious girl tonight. May you find peace.

Unknown said...

Oh momma! i saw this on mdc. What a beautiful birth story. Thank you for sharing Aquila with us. The words and photos are beautiful.

Liz said...

It’s so hard to find words… My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry.
Liz (Vermillion from MDC)

umsami said...

I saw your story on MDC. I am absolutely heartbroken. You and your family are in my prayers. Aquila Jade (such a beautiful name for such a beautiful girl)was so blessed to have your love surround her for 9 months--to hear the voice of her beloved Mama every day and know what a wonderful family loved her. I believe with all my heart that you will hold her again, hug her again, in heaven. Dear God, please send your Comforter to this grieving Mama and her family. Amen.

Cynthia said...

it's a tragedy, depicted so beautifully with your words and pictures... i still cannot imagine the measure of your grief, as tears fill my eyes and roll down my face... i love you, Liz, so very much. I am so sorry for the pain you feel, for the pain your entire family is feeling at the loss of precious Aquila. Thank you for sharing her story.

Chrissy said...

Liz,
Aquila is beautiful, and I am so so sorry she is not in your arms right now. The tears are rushing down my face thinking of how much you are hurting right now. Your family is in my prayers.
Chrissy

Julia said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

Julia from MDC

cara said...

i'm so very sorry. such a beautiful baby. praying for you and your family

Inanna said...

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and your family.

Steffanie said...

I am so sorry for your loss, said a prayer for you.

tapangs said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost a baby on December 15, 2009. Just a few days before you did. My baby was 4 months old. Heart beat was strong, spine getting stronger, body as big as head. Everything was going well. I went to the doctor, he looked for a heart beat, couldn't find one. We went to the ultra-sound room. Normally good things happen in there from my first baby. He put the thing in me and all I wanted to hear was the sound of my baby's heart. For 60 seconds - nothing. It was the most maddening feeling. I was soo heart broken. The doctor said that the baby was too big and I needed a DNC the following morning. I had 21 more hours with my dead baby inside me. After my surgery real life came happening. It was a very lonely Christmas. i wish I knew you so we could grieve together. My company didn't give me bereavement, my husband lost his job, I got demoted, we are low on funds and our garage door is now broken. I'm wondering when the storm will past because were ready for some good news. I hope to hear from you one day, to talk, to grieve and to hope. My email address is tapangs@yahoo.com. Take care, I take comfort in the thought that our babies have not gone anywhere. Because law of energy is that energy is neither created nor destroyed.

Jodi Egerton said...

Mama...Thinking of you and your baby girl today. I wanted to leave you a note just to say that we're still here, still surrounding you in support and holding you all in love and light.
Jodi

(from Austinmamas).

Debbie said...

"sorry" doesn't even begin to cover what I feel. There are simply no words to convey how you feel when someone's baby dies.
I read your story and cried. I cried for you. I cried for me. I cried for so many other moms who sadly continue to join this club.
My daughter, Sophie, was stillborn just over 3 years ago, on her due date.

My heart aches along with yours. I wish this had not happened to you.
((hugs))

JEN said...

i am so sorry to hear of your loss. our 2nd daughter was stillborn at 41w almost 3 years ago. please email me if you need to talk, vent or anything from a mama that understands losing your little girl <3

JEN

Unknown said...

Prayers for your family & Aquila! She is a beautiful baby! HUGS and tears. peace, jillian

These kids' mama said...

This echoes so much of my own story...one of prolapsed cord though. My heart aches for you.

Unknown said...

your birth story is so beautifully written. I am so sorry for your loss. I love that you have honored your beautiful daughter by writing her birth out this way.

Julie said...

Thanks for telling Aquilas birth story. It is so beautiful and powerful, I love the photography and the braiding.
I am so very sorry that Aquila is no longer in your arms.

bir said...

I'm so sorry that she is not in your arms, but you have honored her time so beautifully with her birth story and the photos.
Thinking of you today..

(www.allthelittleponies.blogspot.com)

Mary said...

So much love to you and your family, and your little girl. Thank you for sharing your story, and for being so strong. I saw this from MDC, and my heart just goes out to you dear Mama. Blessings. Mary, Maryeb on MDC

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry about your loss. I'm so deeply sorry. I wish you healing, strength and peace.

Unknown said...

Liz - Just wanted you to know that I think about you and Aquila all the time. Praying for you. Thank you for sharing the birth story. I'm not even sure what to say other than I wish with all my heart it would have ended differently.

Love you,

Rachel Clark