Saturday, January 2, 2010

how can time stretch like this? in 20 minutes it will be exactly two weeks since Aquila was born. right now, two weeks ago she was dying in my womb, her blood supply ripping away. every day is so very very long. minutes are like hours. in the last two weeks i am sure a million years have passed. i can't begin to help you understand if you have never been in this place, but mama, if you've been here , you know....
new years eve was so hard for me. i felt like we were leaving her behind. 2009 was supposed to be the year of aquila's birth, not her death. i was supposed to be holding her closed, snuggled to me, nursing..not staring off at random walls like a zombie.

6 comments:

Inanna said...

It's so hard. So very hard. Keep writing. Keep breathing. Keep talking. Keep on. It's all you can do, some days, to just remember to breathe. Aquila was such a beautiful girl, so loved and wanted. I wish she was in your aching arms right now. Just know there are others out here breathing with you, minute to minute. Sending you so much love.

Cynthia said...

yes, breathing with you... i have not suffered a loss so unimaginable, and i have no idea why tears still fall from my eyes, from my heavy heart as i think about you and about Aquila... but i grieve with you still, and i am praying that somehow you will find peace once more.

Sarah said...

My darling, Take one breath at a time. Cry when you need to. Call for help when ever it becomes too much to carry inside. I am here for you; you can yell at me,I can take it, I know how hard it is to lose a baby you have loved from the moment of that spark of life burst into being. I know What a wretched hole it leaves when your child leaves too soon. I am tahnkful for each day that I have had with you, good or bad, the love has never changed. Please call me whenever you feel so lost. I will come and hold you. I will shoulder all that you need me to. You are my miricle, my daughter, my bright shining star, and you are an amazing mother. Mom

Donalacasa said...

Although my daughter died 01/15/2003, New Year's Eve 2003 was a day of anger for me as well. I did not want to go into a new year that she had never been a part of.

The Lord is able to bear our anger and all our questions why. There have been bereaved parents on this earth since Adam and Eve. He knows our pain and He knows how to bind our broken hearts.

Praying for you.

Once A Mother said...

it is so hard when the year ticks away that was meant to represent the birth of our child. my heart breaks thinking of how new and raw your grief is. thinking of you and praying for moments of peace to enter your heart, but also knowing it will be many, many months before this is possible.

Marisol said...

Breathing with you also..loving you..not sure what else to do but pray for you constantly..My heart aches and tears fall EVERY time I think of what your family has gone/is going through. Keep your mind focused on the things you KNOW to be true..Aquila is alive, breathing, smiling, and waiting for you in heaven. You are a great mom. Praying for peace for you and your beautiful family.