i realized something yesterday. since Aquila's death i have had a burning, consuming desire to be pregnant again. I would say and think- i am not trying to replace Aquila, and i wasn't ....
BUT i realized that any baby i might be blessed with will not be her.. wait? isn't that trying to replace her? no, not rationally at least... but i realized i was trying to fill this hole...to try and go back to when i was pregnant and there was hope, and happiness, and expectation...
but nothing will ever fill the hole of my baby girl. my family will always be missing one of it's members. this (pain) will NEVER go away..it will change and soften, but it will never be gone. nothing i can do will make it better.
now if you havn't had your baby die right before it came out of you i don't think you could understand how i could delude myself on a subconcious level. but , i have a feeling any mama who lost her baby before birth understands how i got there....
just know that if you see my family with it's five boucing, messy children out and about, mybe at the grocery store, maybe at church- that allthough my hands are full, my family is not. there is a gaping hole where my daughter Aquila should be. she will always be there like a missing, cut-out form in a picture... we all see her , even if you do not. So, be aware, as i now am , that there is a heavy weight of lack of...a hole that we bring with us everywhere we go, and that it is always there.
7 comments:
I see her, I feel her, I carry her weight too.
beautiful writing, Liz... I'm learning how I will feel if ever must experience a loss as your family has... the poem about grief you posted on Facebook is absolutely perfect. It makes me think not only of your specific loss, but the small ways in my present life that I feel grief for what is missing in my family (namely, that "handsome prince"... and I stop myself from feeling silly about this need, this void in my life)and the BIG losses I've experienced, such as the death of my father when I was 18 (by suicide). Indeed, grief never goes away. Many people hide from IT, thinking they can. I dealt more directly with my grief for my father, actually shock weighed in quite heavily after Audrey was born when I was 22 (some kind of post pardum depression mixed with ptsd...) and then at the 7th anniversary of my father's death, another nervous breakdown. - Just a comment in agreement that grief never goes away, and it's worse for some of us who try to hide from it. I'm perhaps the healthy one in my family of origin, because I stopped blaming my dad long ago. I experience the richness of every moment, and I give credit to his death... that sounds very wrong, but hopefully you know what I mean. I am not grateful he is dead, and often wonder what he would be like if he was alive. Would he have changed into a nicer, more peaceful man? What kind of grandfather would he have been? --- Tragedy serves to remind us all that life is uncertain, and we must share love while we can! (love = God) Thankfully pain does soften and we might even be distracted from it completely for fleeting moments, we must remember to smile at so many blessings that strengthen us. Big hugs for each and every one of you Paparellas, and one more for you, Liz.
(my other posts were deleted due to a typo I didn't know how to edit. xoxoxo)
Yes, yes, yes. After I lost Mary, I went through phases where I wanted another child. I thought for sure that another baby would make it all better. I had to come to the realization that it wouldn't and nothing would ever make it better. This void will always be here.
I wish people could remember that even large families have loss. I hate the comments about my three boys and three girls. I want to scream that I have another daughter and these aren't my only children.
I'm here and totally understand everything you are going through.
Mama.
I wanted to write & let you know I was reading. My heart grieves for you & your powerful loss. I am so sorry.
I just delivered a baby boy Jan 13. He is alive, thankfully. But, I have had four losses over the years of my childbearing. It was always the new pregnancy & baby...the next one, who was born alive, who finished my healing. It may not be very PC to say it, or even sound very healthy, but it's the truth.
Take good care of yourself! XOXOXO
I think it's so normal for you to feel the way you do. Even women who give birth to live babies often miss being pregnant. It's such a beautiful time in your life. And of course it's natural to want another baby, not to replace the one you lost, but to love and cherish as his or her own little soul on earth. The pictures you posted of Aquila are beautiful. God bless you, Liz.
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