choices

As soon as i chime in on a thread about what happened to Aquila at my homebirth, inevitably i receive the same sentiments over and over from Crunchier-than-thou homebirth activists. things like these:

bcblondie wrote:
I'm sorry for your loss. But this is not a fair comparison. We all know that being in a carseat is 1000 times safer than not being in one. You can'T really compare the recklessness of not using a carseat, to homebirths.

All they are trying to say is that homebirthers HAVE made an informed choice. They reduced the risk of their baby needing emergency intervention simply by being at home, not having pitocin or an epidural. Being able to relax and not be confined to a bed with IV's and monitors. The labour is much more likely to go smoothly.
But yes. On the other hand. Sometimes things still go wrong. And if that's something you fear or couldn't live with, you should have a hospital birth.
But for me. If my baby had died at my homebirth, I would have STILL KNOWN that I made an informed choice. I would not regret my homebirth. And I would be quite mad at anyone who implied/said outright that I should.


Amber De Sosa Seber 5:26 am
Sadly, a hospital cannot guarantee or even increase the likelihood of a live mom or baby.

Lorna Doone 12:39 pm
I have never had a horrible birth anywhere EXCEPT a hospital (first time) and then two ridiculously simple, easy, rubber-ball-and-eyeball-injury-free births on my own.
And most normal, healthy, mentally stable, physically fit etc., women do NOT need to be sold a surgeon-attended medically and pharmaceutically assisted hospital birth.

LadyJennifer wrote:
As for the original post; babies and mothers die in hospitals too, often because of interventions rather than natural causes.

Also, it is important to take responsibility for your own birth, know the signs of complications like abruption, etc. Mothers are the only ones who really know what's going on in their own bodies (if they listen), and even the most knowledgeable and experienced hcp can make mistakes. The US has some of the highest maternal and neonatal mortality rates in the developed world - and some of the lowest homebirth rates. "

there are so many more "wonderful things" that have been said to me, but they always center on the same themes-

#1 - baby's die in the hospital too, you know!

yes, brilliant! where else do people dismiss a child's death by bringing up other children's deaths than in homebirth loss?
Hospitals are safer. Transporting takes much longer than you would think. I am not "anti-homebirth" because i want people to face the facts. Have a homebirth- fine with me! I also don't care if you want to turn your 8 month old forward facing in his car seat- BUT i DO want you to be aware of the risks. Of course it is your choice, but what kind of choice is one made with half the information?
Me telling my story does not limit your choices. You stifling my story or deleting it, or dismissing it limits everyone's choices, and pushes your agenda!

#2 Yours was a rare tragedy- homebirths are safer . If someone is healthy enough, strong enough, "crunchy" enough, and thinks positively (woo) than this (probably) won't wont happen to them!

OUCH .
SO which was i? Not healthy enough? Not Crunchy enough?
I know why woman gravitate to this response. Reading my story scares the piss out of them, and they need to do what is so very human, scramble around to figure out what i did wrong to prove to themselves that it could not happen to them.
Well, it could. If you understand that homebirth carries 3 times the risk of death to your unborn baby, then you are making an informed choice.

#3 Well your midwife was negligent.My midwife is well trained/ has great references/ answered all my questions well about what she would do in an emergency!

OK, granted- Faith Beltz was very negligent. but why/how was she negligent?
She was not well trained.she was trained under ATM's curriculum

The Texas Department of Health requires midwifery students to have a high school diploma or GED certificate, and current certification in Infant and Adult CPR.

Then, for ATM's curriculum one must read these books. my personal favorites are the two books on homeopathy. don't get me started there.
then the clinical requirements are as follows:

ATMMTP students must complete the following minimum clinical requirements:

1. 10 observations of births, 2 of which must be in an out-of-hospital setting
2. 20 births as an active participant
3. Functioning in the role of Primary Midwife under Supervision:
1. 20 births, including a minimum of the following Continuity of Care requirements:
* 10 births must be with women for whom the student has provided primary care during at least four prenatal visits, birth, newborn exam, and one postpartum exam
* 3 births must be with women for whom the student has provided primary care continuously under the supervision of one preceptor for each woman, beginning no later than 15 weeks GA and to include all prenatal care, birth, newborn exam and at least two postpartum exams at 36hrs.-6weeks (Continuous Continuity of Care)

A maximum of two transports as active participant and two as Primary Midwife under supervision may be included in the above 50 births

4. Functioning in the role of Primary Midwife under Supervision:
1. 20 initial physical exams and 20 histories
2. 75 prenatal exams
3. 20 newborn exams
4. 40 postpartum exams

so, lets compare that with a CNM's training and also an OB's:

CNM: They have gone through 4 years of nursing school plus an additional 2 years for their masters degree which earned them their CNM certification.

OB: goes to medical school and completes residency.

So, w\how knowledgeable is your midwife really?? Faith beltz failed to recognize two very obvious and major complications in my labor, Chorio and Abruption. And here is the kicker----
Faith was and still is an ATM preceptor-meaning she is a teacher for other midwives. this is the training the next generation of CPMs is receiving!

Also My midwife is regulated by a board comprised of her friends. Th ATM board is one in which Faith Beltz holds 3 seats. The Texas midwifery board (who grants licenses and regulates CPMs in Texas) has midwives sitting on its board , who out number all other members. All these midwives have sat or do sit on the ATM board with Faith, or are in high positions at ATM .
so, how do you know that your midwife is well regulated? what do you think will happen if she kills your baby? Does she carry malpractice insurance? If she is a CPM she does not.

and finally, Faith Beltz had all the right things to say . But when the shit hit the fan, she froze.
How are you so sure your midwife will make the right call?
In the hospital there is a TEAM of people caring for you. at home you are in ONE person's hands. Better be sure she is ready for anything that may go wrong!





and about your choices being limited----
sometimes the government regulates things to protect the consumer.like the
USDA and the FDA.
homebirth midwives need more training, more regulation, required ob backup relationships and the requirement to carry malpractice insurance And consumers need more information about homebirth-not just just Woo-filled fantasies.

TRANSCRIPTION

if anyone who reads this knows anyone who does transcription and would be willing to work me a deal, please email me

 

one year gone,

of course today should be filled with laughter and a cake and presents....but instead we will go to a grave stone to lay new flowers and release balloons..

All i can think about is how i chose homebirth, i chose Faith Beltz, and i gave my daughter death. i never had the desire for a time machine until Aquila's death. I would give anything to be able to go back and pick the other midwife(CNM) i interviewed... to say yes when the OB at the hospital (a week before she was born) offered to induce me...to have insisted Faith call 911 instead of trying to put me in the car...
so many regrets.

Today will be the first day Willow will visit her sister's grave.

Happy birthday up in Heaven , baby girl.

my top words of 2010

on Facebook there is this App that finds your most used words for the year from your status updates. here were mine:

My Top Words of 2010
Here are top words from my Facebook status messages!
1:Baby - used 41 times
2:Willow - used 28 times
3:Need - used 26 times
4:Know - used 24 times
5:God - used 21 times
6:Dont - used 20 times
7:Please - used 18 times
8:Night - used 17 times
9:Someone - used 16 times
10:Lord - used 16 times

i was thinking of the myriad of sad poems that could be written from these...sigh

family picture 2010

This is the most complete family photo i could come up with. The bear is Aquila's bear from her funeral.

a year ago

a year ago Aquila was alive, waiting to be born. She was kicking and squirming. In one week it will be a year since she was born, minutes after dying.

i feel like i am walking around , filled to the brim with tears. And, all it takes is a little poke from any little thing to push out a wave of tears.

it's the most wonderful time of the year...except for me

Christmas songs are playing all around. This is season no one can avoid. And before Aquila i would not have a minded a bit. i loved Christmas. Loved everything about it. But now as the music creeps into every space and the red and green decorations coat the landscape i find my self constantly choking back tears, and wanting it to go away. I don't want to re-live last year. Don't want to remember burying my daughter 2 days before Christmas. Going through the motions like a zombie for the kids.
Where is my little girl who should be toddling around in her red velvet dress? Why is she not pulling ornaments off the tree? Ripping paper off the presents? I am not ready to celebrate a year of life without Aquila. What celebration is that? To celebrate the light the world lost?
I know that we should be celebrating the life of Jesus, which was given to all of us on Christmas, but i am stuck in remembering my daughter covered in blood.

on breastfeeding my preemie

Willow is finally off her SNS/Lact-aid . we are breastfeeding wonderfully, and i still pump about 10-12 oz a day to freeze. i think i will be donating it to the milk bank. oh, and Willow is a whopping 8 pounds 7 ozs!

loving Willow, missing Aquila

How does Willow fit into my grief for Aquila?

When Willow was first born I was so afraid of losing her that that was ALL i could focus on. Then as her NICU stay turned into a "grower/feeder" stay, my focus was on breastfeeding. I found bunches of resistance in the NICU (aside from one doctor and a small handful of the nurses and the LC )to me being there almost 24/7 and to my wanting Willow to leave fully breastfeeding. I found out later the nurses were giving me a hard time (and it wasn't all in my head) because of this blog. they had all been reading it and decided basically that i was nuts over the loss of Aquila. But they were so wrong. i would have been just as "annoying" if it had been any of my babies in that NICU. Breastfeeding is very important to me. I could care less if someone else wants to breastfeed their baby-that's none of my concern- but as for me and mine, we like the boob. And, the way i saw it, Willow should have still been in my tummy, so she needed me their to hold her as much as humanly possible. I kept saying- "we are a dyad..we need each other.."
So i had very little time for grieving Aquila, as mostly i was trying to be there 100% for Willow.
i did, however, find myself terribly angry (again) with Faith Beltz. See, the infection that made Willow come early and almost die was the very same bacteria that contributed to Aquila's death. See with Aquila i had a fever in labor. Faith said nothing to the hospital when i was admitted after delivery. Had she said something about the fever, they would have given me IV antibiotics. Later the coroner said Aquila had a Chorio infection, which Faith should have know BEFORE the abruption began. quotes from here :

"Symptoms of chorioamnionitis include fever and tenderness in the uterus. The baby may show signs of infection, such as a fever or a higher-than-normal heart rate.


Symptoms may include:

*
Fever

*
Significant maternal tachycardia

*
Fetal tachycardia

*
Tender or painful uterus

*
A foul odor of the amniotic fluid

*
Maternal leukocytosis
"
"Chorioamnionitis may initiate uteroplacental bleeding or a placental abruption."

According to my OB from Willow's pregnancy this is what happened=
The bacteria that caused the chorio (which likely caused the abruption) was never treated with antibiotics. it continued to live in my uterus, but was kept fairly in check by my strong immune system. however, the week before Willow was born i got the nasty virus that put me in the hospital. that virus lowered my immune system-helping the bacteria to gear up for an attack-which it did.

So, thanks to my midwife's incompetent care i not only lost a baby, but almost lost another one, and was subjected (as was Willow) to a horribly stressful NICU experience. And it was during this stressful NICU stay that Faith slapped me in the face by saying i refused to transfer (complete lie) at the second board meeting - see this post.
so, yeah, Angry does not begin to cover it.

But there was the sweetness of holding Willow all those hours..i needed that..it was what i had yearned for for months. i would try holding other babies, try stroking thier hair to see if it felt like Aquila's, but none ever did..none ever gave me that which i needed so badly...but Willow was mine, my sweet smelling, sliky haired baby. It's like a line from my favorite poem
Propaganda poem: maybe for some young mamas by Alicia Suskin Ostriker

"oh young mamas
no matter what your age is you
are born when you give birth
to a baby you start over
one animal
and both gently just slightly
separated from each other
swaying, swinging
like a vine, like an oriole nest
keep returning to each other
like a little tide, like a little wave
for a little while
better than sex, that bitter honey, maybe
could be the connection you’ve been waiting for
because no man is god, no woman is a goddess
we are all of us spoiled by that time
but a baby
any baby
your baby
is the most perfect human thing you can ever touch
translucent
and I want you to think about touching
and the pleasure of touching
and being touched by this most perfect thing
this pear tree blossom"

I cry mostly at night, when Willow is snuggled by my side, and i am stroking her hair. Because, then i can almost picture Aquila in my arms. Seeing the things Willow does makes me sad for the things Aquila was not able to do... I think it is good that Willow does not look very much like Aquila, because i would not want the moments of flooding grief to catch me unawares.