loving Willow, missing Aquila

How does Willow fit into my grief for Aquila?

When Willow was first born I was so afraid of losing her that that was ALL i could focus on. Then as her NICU stay turned into a "grower/feeder" stay, my focus was on breastfeeding. I found bunches of resistance in the NICU (aside from one doctor and a small handful of the nurses and the LC )to me being there almost 24/7 and to my wanting Willow to leave fully breastfeeding. I found out later the nurses were giving me a hard time (and it wasn't all in my head) because of this blog. they had all been reading it and decided basically that i was nuts over the loss of Aquila. But they were so wrong. i would have been just as "annoying" if it had been any of my babies in that NICU. Breastfeeding is very important to me. I could care less if someone else wants to breastfeed their baby-that's none of my concern- but as for me and mine, we like the boob. And, the way i saw it, Willow should have still been in my tummy, so she needed me their to hold her as much as humanly possible. I kept saying- "we are a dyad..we need each other.."
So i had very little time for grieving Aquila, as mostly i was trying to be there 100% for Willow.
i did, however, find myself terribly angry (again) with Faith Beltz. See, the infection that made Willow come early and almost die was the very same bacteria that contributed to Aquila's death. See with Aquila i had a fever in labor. Faith said nothing to the hospital when i was admitted after delivery. Had she said something about the fever, they would have given me IV antibiotics. Later the coroner said Aquila had a Chorio infection, which Faith should have know BEFORE the abruption began. quotes from here :

"Symptoms of chorioamnionitis include fever and tenderness in the uterus. The baby may show signs of infection, such as a fever or a higher-than-normal heart rate.


Symptoms may include:

*
Fever

*
Significant maternal tachycardia

*
Fetal tachycardia

*
Tender or painful uterus

*
A foul odor of the amniotic fluid

*
Maternal leukocytosis
"
"Chorioamnionitis may initiate uteroplacental bleeding or a placental abruption."

According to my OB from Willow's pregnancy this is what happened=
The bacteria that caused the chorio (which likely caused the abruption) was never treated with antibiotics. it continued to live in my uterus, but was kept fairly in check by my strong immune system. however, the week before Willow was born i got the nasty virus that put me in the hospital. that virus lowered my immune system-helping the bacteria to gear up for an attack-which it did.

So, thanks to my midwife's incompetent care i not only lost a baby, but almost lost another one, and was subjected (as was Willow) to a horribly stressful NICU experience. And it was during this stressful NICU stay that Faith slapped me in the face by saying i refused to transfer (complete lie) at the second board meeting - see this post.
so, yeah, Angry does not begin to cover it.

But there was the sweetness of holding Willow all those hours..i needed that..it was what i had yearned for for months. i would try holding other babies, try stroking thier hair to see if it felt like Aquila's, but none ever did..none ever gave me that which i needed so badly...but Willow was mine, my sweet smelling, sliky haired baby. It's like a line from my favorite poem
Propaganda poem: maybe for some young mamas by Alicia Suskin Ostriker

"oh young mamas
no matter what your age is you
are born when you give birth
to a baby you start over
one animal
and both gently just slightly
separated from each other
swaying, swinging
like a vine, like an oriole nest
keep returning to each other
like a little tide, like a little wave
for a little while
better than sex, that bitter honey, maybe
could be the connection you’ve been waiting for
because no man is god, no woman is a goddess
we are all of us spoiled by that time
but a baby
any baby
your baby
is the most perfect human thing you can ever touch
translucent
and I want you to think about touching
and the pleasure of touching
and being touched by this most perfect thing
this pear tree blossom"

I cry mostly at night, when Willow is snuggled by my side, and i am stroking her hair. Because, then i can almost picture Aquila in my arms. Seeing the things Willow does makes me sad for the things Aquila was not able to do... I think it is good that Willow does not look very much like Aquila, because i would not want the moments of flooding grief to catch me unawares.