spiritual growth always comes from suffering

Please go listen to this sermon from cornerstone church here and scroll down and click on "the grace of pain" 2/3/08
He hits the nail on the head. Very eloquently, this pastor sums up my thoughts on the subject of pain/suffering and how a loving God can allow it.
My pastor at my church leaves this subject with the simple idea that God allows free will and we hurt each other. But that doesn't explain things like earthquakes, Job, or babies dying...
No one who thinks long enough can doubt that God allows pain to occur in the lives of people , even his followers (think Job).
And this is where most people get hung up... HOW can a loving God allow this pain?? Why did my house burn down? Why I am sick with cancer? Why is my baby dead?
And we expect God to explain the Why to us. Give us a good reason. Like we deserve an explanation.
But God does not owe us anything. Everything we have from our very breath was handed to us. You worked hard for the job you got laid off from? Who gave you the brains/strength /opportunities to get that job in the first place?
As Job said in Job 2
10 But Job replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” So in all this, Job said nothing wrong.

Here is the key-
God never promises us a pain free, comfortable life. Quite the opposite. Over and over the Bible says that we will suffer, especially those who follow Christ.
What we are promised is that God will never leave our side. That we are never alone. And, that
I consider our present sufferings insignificant compared to the glory that will soon be revealed to us. -Romans 8:18
And the truth is God cares much, much more about the state of our hearts and about his glory than he does about our comfort.
Comfort does not create growth.
I never understood the depth or intensity of God's love before Aquila died. How alive his word was, until i clung to it to keep from drowning. How true his promises were. I had a "peace that surpasses all understanding" .
I experienced JOY , which is only truly experienced inside of suffering- because JOY has nothing to do with happiness. It is a spring that bubbles up strait from God and is not only completely separate from our circumstances- but occurs in spite of them.
If you truly want to know God, if you want to feel him and Know him, know that the road to that is a pinful one- BUT IT IS WORTH EVERY TRIAL. He is worth it.
and remember
"And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”"
Job 1:21

faces like these

take a look at these beautiful babies- in their home countries they will be shipped to mental institutions at the tender age of 4. All of these sweet babies have down syndrome and are available for adoption. consider opening your heart!
go here to learn more about these little ones, or explore Reece's Rainbow to learn about so many other cuties!!

wow

why she remains

Corinthians 13
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


i have faith.
faith that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.
faith that God is big enough to carry me through anything.

i have a hope in Heaven.
in seeing her again.
that there she is alive and well.

and greatest of all,
i have love for her.
a love that encompasses,
engulfs me.
a love that will never still,
never be silenced,
and never end.

praise

Praise to the Lord of lords, King of kings! everytime i see this little sweet baby i am reminded of his miraculous works! how amazing is it that this baby will be be coming a short 11 months after Aquila? i could't bear the idea of another year without a baby, and look at how the Lord has blessed me...
(note- i am not in any way saying anything ment to hurt any of my dear babyloss mamas who have no concieved thier rainbow babies. i am praying for your blessings to hurry up! )
i am posting this because i just must give credit where credit is due. He is the giver of all good gifts. this baby, for however long she/he is here is truely a wonderful gift!

Psalm 104
³³As long as I live,

I will sing and praise you,

the LORD God.

³⁴I hope my thoughts

will please you,

because you are the one

who makes me glad.

Fear and Faith

first off, i must thank my dear friend MG over at book and bairns for inspiring me to write this post. thank you MG for your faith and candor.

i have been struggling friends. i can't begin to explain how hard it can be to keep your head above water when fear creeps in. Lies can seep in so slowly, you barely see them.. till one day you realize those lies has bred and multiplied until you are gasping for breath under the weight of them.

This pregnancy has put me in the cross hairs for some "fiery darts", and they don't always creep into my head. sometimes they come strait from the mouth of those who should be closest to me. I have received some harsh words about the foolishness of this pregnancy from two woman who should be celebrating a new life. If you can imagine, i am spending my days trying to get by. loving my husband, my kids, this new baby...mourning my daughter's death. seeking the Lord. i don't have time to busy myself in other people's lives or decisions. i don't have time for gossip, or drama, or conflict.
praise the Lord for this, for he has set my priorities right where they need to be. Unfortunately, some people do have this time. I must forgive them though, for they apparently do not know what they are doing to me or my family. i am sure they think they are doing everything in love. but what they are working out of is fear, not love.

They cannot understand why i would be so foolish... but

1 Corinthians 3:19
For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As the Scriptures say, "He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness."
1 Corinthians 1:27
Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.

and this pregnancy is a blessing. every pregnancy is..even a pregnancy that is unplanned..or unwanted...even a pregnancy that will only last days, or months..even a pregnancy that will result in a dead baby...even in a pregnancy that brings forth a child that that is marred, scarred or falls short of this worlds standards of "only wanting a healthy baby"...
Do you know why? i do- because God has created every one of us.

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

When i am struggling, God blesses me with verses to combat lies with truth-
like

Romans 8:15
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

and i know that God's time is the perfect time..every time. this pregnancy was meant to be when he set it in motion. i did not really have control. no one does. every pregnancy does not result in a living child, just as every "birth control" attempt does not prevent a pregnancy. God opens and closes the womb.

Ecclesiastes 11

4Whoever watches the wind will not plant;

whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

5As you do not know the path of the wind,

or how the body is formed^a in a mother’s womb,

so you cannot understand the work of God,

the Maker of all things.

thank you Lord for your unfailing love and mercies which are new every morning.

blessings and changes

there are two things i have been thinking about yesterday and today.

the first is blessings, or more aptly what a believer sees as blessings. i have noticed in myself , and others, that believers count some things as blessings that the "world" does not.
- Things like a large family. In our culture (as i am sure anyone is aware) having more than two children is seen as a risky endeavour at best, a burden and drain at worst. But the believers i know find that EVERY child is a blessing, not just the first two, or the ones that come "at the right time".
- Things like a child born with special needs. Did you know that 9 out of 10 woman who find out they are having a baby born with Down's abort??
9 out of 10!
and these are woman who want a baby! yet they are willing to kill their own flesh and because it is not perfect... Yet i know, that for myself, i would count a child with that disability , or any other a blessing. and i know this is something God has wrought in my heart. With Kiryn and Lucca's pregnancy i was afraid of that exact outcome, yet now my heart is so soft to those children that, if my husband agreed, i would adopt a baby with Down's syndrome in a heartbeat. Funny the ways God shapes out hearts!
- things like . we count it a blessing for a believer , or a little child to pass on, as we know that for them-- they are now in the most wonderful place for all of eternity. we KNOW they have no more tears!! I am very sad in missing my darling baby . i ache for her...yet at the same time i rejoice! i know where she is, i have no doubt in my mind, no fear for her well being. i know she is safe and loved...and a mother knows these things. we know when our children are safe, even when we can't see them.


the other thing i have been thinking on is something my pastor said , that i want to pass on to you believers out there. he pointed out, that we do not need to cross the ocean to work in missions. as believers we are all called to be missionaries to everyone we are around. he said that if you are not seeing people changing and coming closer to God, you need to do a serious evaluation of yourself. We are lights to world, and people will know us by our fruits. when people see fruits, they are drawn closer to the Lord. it is a simple fact! like moths to a flame, we are drawn to light of God. if people are not drawing closer to God who are in your life, you need to find out why your light is being hid in a bushel!
Galations 5:
²² But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control.

the Lord's work

forgive me if this post rambles, my head rambles most of the time now.

the Lord has been working... so far i have mostly posted my darker thoughts on this blog- but i need a place to let it out. but i want you to know- especially those who know me in real life, but do not have the courage to dive into face to face conversations with me- that i am not "depressed"

quite the contrary really- i can count on one hand my dark days. with three weeks and two days under my belt since Aquila's passing i should say this is quite amazing. The Lord has comforted me more than i can even explain. maybe this is because
" the peace of the Lord surpasses understanding"
it doesn't make sense that i can smile. i can and DO feel so much JOY in the midst of my sorrow.

THANK the LORD for the amazing work he has done in my heart! he has broken down walls and led me to lay down burdens- i did not even see the extent to which the burdens i have carried have weighed me down.
truly the Lord's yoke IS light. pride, resentment, regret and anger are heavy and eat away at your heart.
and praise to him that i feel no anger to him! i truly understand and feel this passage from Job

²⁰ Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship. ²¹ He said,

“I came naked from my mother’s womb,
and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had,
and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!”

²² In all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God.

God gave me everything i have, from my first breath to my last. he has blessed me richly and abundantly. Aquila was and always will be his. and his purpose for her was not to live on this earth. i fully believe he has a purpose for her on this earth, however. i see the work she is doing in people's hearts. how amazing is that, that a child who never took a breath can influence hearts for the Lord?
Every time i have gone to sleep worried or anxious or in great sorrow or guilt, God has been faithful to rescue me from these lies, from the slipping into the mire. he over and over again puts my feet back on the rock of his love.
Passage Psalm 94:16-19:
¹⁶ Who will protect me from the wicked?
Who will stand up for me against evildoers?
¹⁷ Unless the Lord had helped me,
I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave.
¹⁸ I cried out, “I am slipping!”
but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.
¹⁹ When doubts filled my mind,
your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

Psalm 40

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
³ He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Angels all around

yesterday i got news i have been waiting for since Aquila's birth- i now know she was 8 pounds even, 20 inches long and had blue eyes!
i also received a precious gift- a nurse at Dell children's ER name Elsa held my baby girl after they called her time of death. she swaddled her, put a knit cap on her head and held her in her arms for an hour and a half until the medical examiner picked her up.
See, i was transported to another hospital because of my hemmoraging . so, i was not with my baby to hold her. i could not go to her, and they (medical examiner) would not let her body come to me. it was a living nightmare. all i wanted was to hold her and see her, to memorize her face. the fact that at least someone held her gives me so much comfort.i was able to talk to and thank the nurse. she said she knew how much i must have wanted to hold her, and she just couldn't let her lay there alone. she said she had prayed for our family since then.

Mathew 25
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,[f] you were doing it to me!’

Father's day ramblings

wow this day is quite a day now. never was a blimp in my radar screen before.
i was raised by a single mom. never met my dad till i was 8. we wrote letters back and forth and only met once. i remember paddle boating on town lake...then he dropped out. i remember waiting for him to take me/meet me at some theme park, but he didn't show. i remember my mom telling me he wasn't interested in being a father. i remember hurting deeply over this.. then over the years that hurt got covered up and faded, until it became nothing but a blimp in my radar screen.i didn't need a father, didn't want one..but whatever i told myself does not change the fact that not having a father, being rejected by my father did have a profound impact in my life.i give all the credit to my Father GOD who gave me back the things my natural father never gave me.He gave me a self worth apart from who i am (or am NOT) in a man's eyes. he gave me love and acceptance.but most of all HE CLAIMED ME AS HIS! nothing stands in God's way to his claim on us. we are his , i am his.wether or not my earthly father claimed me when i was child or claims me now matters much much less in the face of such unfailing love.
(i must say for the sake of truth and kindness and forgivness- i have, and continue to forgive my father. He, like us all, is merely a failable human. I certainly will be the first to admit i have done many things to many people that i hope they can forgive me for. And the story i belived as a child was not the whole , complete and truthful story. it was not nearly as simple as my father didn't want me. that would not be true to say. And , last year i did find my father and now am able to slowly reconstruct the whole story (as much as is left to be found).Things are not perfect, but God's hand in on the whole situation , and in it i have found rest. I thank the Lord for giving me that missing piece of my life, my story back to me. I will continue to pray for a full restoration of the relationship-because i KNOW God has a heart for restoration...)
And now in my life fatherhood has taken on another meaning as well. i now have a husband, a father to my children. a kind, loving and involved father. how blessed am i? how blessed are my children?? I hope someday they see how truely they are blessed to have the father they do!

so, these are the thoughts floating in my head, today on the day we celebrate our fathers...

2nd times a charm

i posted this whole post earlier, but it didn't work!

i got a call at 3pm today telling us that a great aunt and uncle of Ruby (sweetpea) have decided to hire a lawyer and intervene in the case to get custody. MY JAW HIT THE FLOOR. there is 9 days left in the mandatory 3 month waiting period following termination. 9 days from now we would have been home free... Ruby's GAL dosn't think they have grounds to intervene (seeing as they have never even MET her)..but we will see. bad part is they are foster parents .. in our city... apparently they are saying they didn't intervene before because they had kids in the home already (dont now?) and they thought she was going to paternal grama. But i don't know how that excuses never trying to meet her. i think they are selfish. i would never rip a baby away from its home at 15 months old. that is disgustingly selfish.
and of course the bomb gets dropped on friday, after our attorney's office closes. i can;t DO anything ..well that's not true, because i am lifting this up to the Lord, and he is mighty to save!!!


i life my eyes unto the hills, but where does my help come from? my help comes from the Lorn, maker of heaven and earth.

peace and other emotions

now, I am going to try to encapsulate the emotions and thoughts that have been going through me over the last few days, so bear with me if this post rambles a bit...
I want sweetpea, no doubt..want her with a dry ache. But with this constant want inside, my prayers are rarely that. I have always prayed for God's will, and thrown in a few "but if you wouldn't mind..." 's for good measure-
Over the last few days i have been thinking so much about Abraham and Isaac and about Job. i have been thinking about sacrifices God calls us to make. I have never felt a for-sureness about sweetpea's potential for permanency in our family. I don't know if God wants her here for keeps, I don't know if God wants to take her away, for other better plans. What's hard is the longer this goes on the more my own wants cloud out what God may want or call me to do...and i think how Abraham waited for 100 years for Isaac, only to be called to give him back to the Lord. And then , after Abraham obeyed without complaint, God provided a substitute for his sacrifice. and then i keep thinking of this verse
luke 12:48
Much will be required from everyone to whom much has been given. But even more will be demanded from the one to whom much has been entrusted.
and also of something someone told me about months ago, which i later found here-
woman who lost her baby right after birth writes this:
"Job said it best in the wake of losing all he valued on earth: “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” That conveys our feelings better than anything we could say. The Lord gave us Priya, and He has chosen by His gracious will to take her away. Blessed be his Name. Her life was an undeserved gift to us. We wouldn’t trade one moment of the seven months we had with her. And we praise God for it from beginning to end. We don’t know the reason why she was taken, but we know the God who made the decision. And he is enough for us. He is our glory and strength. We want to praise Him right now as the God of all grace and comfort. He has been our truest and most constant companion in the midst of all this."



I have been thinking that is Sweetpea stays, it will be a miracle, worth rejoicing and praising- a testament of God's goodness...But, if she leaves won't it still be a testament to God's goodness? He is still holy. no matter what the circumstances. and i do KNOW that Sweetpea will know the Lord. she has been marked by God from countless people's prayers over her for her whole life now-
I remember i wanted to foster because it broke my heart that there were children floating around among us who no one cared about, no one prayed for. Just drifting... ANd here i have this baby lathered in prayer, and i know that God is good, and God cares for Sweetpea. And, even if she goes i will be praising God for letting me do his will...

wanting spiritual fruits (not religious nuts!)

so i am going to attempt to type all (or some) of the that accompany the work God is doing in my heart right now.
thinking of losing sweetpea is HARD. i get discouraged. i went to the church that my kiddos do AWANAS at this past sunday. my hubby usually goes but i needed a break from the littles, so he kept them at home i took the big ones to AWANAS.
to hear the sermon click here, scroll down to Genesis 12.
anyhow the pastor was talking about how the bible tells the same story over and over- God makes promises for certian things-usually blessings of the womb or of a homeland, then those promises are put in jepordy and it looks like they will not come to pass. but hose who love God still believe in God's promises, and then the are fufilled (though those who were promised sometimes do not see the full fufillment)
anyhow the pastor asked how we could doubt our faithful God and i was struck with tears. i have been so doubtful in this situation- and the TRUTH is EVEN IF sweetpea does not stay, God put this in my heart, and God's heart is for adoption and there IS a purpose, and he will complete this- which brings me to a passage i read in my last year's bible study in the amplified bible which speaks of this
Psalm 57:2i will cry to God most high, who preforms on my behalf and rewards me-who brings to pass his purposes for me and surely completes them!
and the pastor later in the sermon asked- are you in love with the promises of God or the God of promises? and truely if our eyes are on God, nothing else matters. when we desire his will good things come-
romans 8:28
and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
AMEN!

quote of the day and why

I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

i have had so much help coming from out of nowhere the last few days- not really from nowhere though! i have been praying about this for so long, but for most of the time i have been praying for the wrong thing- like a child saying "but i don't wanna. take away this job!" but lately it's changed to "lord help me do this. give me strength. find me a way" and things are falling into place.
remember, everyday there are a million things to thank god for!!! and stop complaining.. :)