peace and other emotions

now, I am going to try to encapsulate the emotions and thoughts that have been going through me over the last few days, so bear with me if this post rambles a bit...
I want sweetpea, no doubt..want her with a dry ache. But with this constant want inside, my prayers are rarely that. I have always prayed for God's will, and thrown in a few "but if you wouldn't mind..." 's for good measure-
Over the last few days i have been thinking so much about Abraham and Isaac and about Job. i have been thinking about sacrifices God calls us to make. I have never felt a for-sureness about sweetpea's potential for permanency in our family. I don't know if God wants her here for keeps, I don't know if God wants to take her away, for other better plans. What's hard is the longer this goes on the more my own wants cloud out what God may want or call me to do...and i think how Abraham waited for 100 years for Isaac, only to be called to give him back to the Lord. And then , after Abraham obeyed without complaint, God provided a substitute for his sacrifice. and then i keep thinking of this verse
luke 12:48
Much will be required from everyone to whom much has been given. But even more will be demanded from the one to whom much has been entrusted.
and also of something someone told me about months ago, which i later found here-
woman who lost her baby right after birth writes this:
"Job said it best in the wake of losing all he valued on earth: “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” That conveys our feelings better than anything we could say. The Lord gave us Priya, and He has chosen by His gracious will to take her away. Blessed be his Name. Her life was an undeserved gift to us. We wouldn’t trade one moment of the seven months we had with her. And we praise God for it from beginning to end. We don’t know the reason why she was taken, but we know the God who made the decision. And he is enough for us. He is our glory and strength. We want to praise Him right now as the God of all grace and comfort. He has been our truest and most constant companion in the midst of all this."



I have been thinking that is Sweetpea stays, it will be a miracle, worth rejoicing and praising- a testament of God's goodness...But, if she leaves won't it still be a testament to God's goodness? He is still holy. no matter what the circumstances. and i do KNOW that Sweetpea will know the Lord. she has been marked by God from countless people's prayers over her for her whole life now-
I remember i wanted to foster because it broke my heart that there were children floating around among us who no one cared about, no one prayed for. Just drifting... ANd here i have this baby lathered in prayer, and i know that God is good, and God cares for Sweetpea. And, even if she goes i will be praising God for letting me do his will...