today we all went to the NICU reunion, held at the park near by the hospital where Willow was born. Seeing all those familiar faces brought back a lot of memories and clarified some things for me. so now 7 months later i want to tell some people some things --- i know some of the NICU staff still read my blog, maybe they will pass this along to the rest....
Dear NICU nurses and doctors.
First off, thank you for saving my baby's life. Without the staff and life saving equipment of the NICU at Seton hospital my daughter would not be here today.
There is one particular Neonatologist, one lactation consultant, and 4 Nurses who were so unbelievably kind and supportive to me. They went over and beyond their jobs and treated me like a human being. I will never forget you women. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving light to such a dark, scary time.
To the other doctors and nurses who cared for my daughter-
Realize when you go into work everyday and care for those babies- they are someone else's children, not in any way your own. Don't get into pointless power struggles with the parents over things like lotion or feeding choices. you will not be raising these children. Do your job, don't take over their's (parent). When you search for your patient's parents blogs online and find them, don't say nasty things about them behind their backs to other nurses and doctors. They will hear about it all.
This is probably one of the hardest things they have ever had to do. Their brand new baby is struggling to breathe, eat, grow. You have no right to judge them for how they process this.
Some of us want to spend every waking minute in there holding our baby. Some of us can't get to the NICU very often due to families, jobs ect.
You have no right to judge us about these choices. Some of us want to exclusive breastfeed. we don't want our babies getting bottles. We are not freaks. please don't treat us this way. some of us don't want to breastfeed at all. we are not bad mothers. please don't treat us this way.
Everyone is not like you. everyone does not parent like you. Your judgment does our patients a disservice, and i truly hope you reflect on my words. I heard the things you said about me, about other parents. I felt you annoyance and disdain for me. i heard about your "tattling" on me to the doctors. Despite your opinion, my daughter was growing just fine with me holding her all day. It has taken me 7 months to put it into words just how yucky you made me feel day in and day out. had it not been for your co-workers i would have lost my mind.
the further out i get from Aquila's death, the more my grief becomes hidden. i talked with a woman at church today about Aquila, and she talked about her miscarriage.
she was crying, i was not.
what is wrong with me that i can discuss my daughter's death and not cry??? but then, some random thing sets me off? This poor woman must have thought i am batty or made of stone.
I miss my baby girl so much, every day....i just don't want to share her with everyone i meet anymore..like her story is just too tragic. there are not any happy times, or wonderful memories. She died before i met her. Someone i loved and trusted completely failed me and failed at the job i entrusted her. I couldn't even hold my daughter for days. i never saw what she looked like before death changed her.
"Sons are a heraitage from the LORD,children a reward from him.Like arrows in the hands of a warriorare sons born in one's youth.Blessed is the manwhose quiver is full of them."Psalms 127:3-5
"In the presense of the LORD your God, you and your families shall eat and rejoice in everything you have put your hand to, because the LORD your God has blessed you."Deuteronomy 12:7