Christmas songs are playing all around. This is season no one can avoid. And before Aquila i would not have a minded a bit. i loved Christmas. Loved everything about it. But now as the music creeps into every space and the red and green decorations coat the landscape i find my self constantly choking back tears, and wanting it to go away. I don't want to re-live last year. Don't want to remember burying my daughter 2 days before Christmas. Going through the motions like a zombie for the kids.
Where is my little girl who should be toddling around in her red velvet dress? Why is she not pulling ornaments off the tree? Ripping paper off the presents? I am not ready to celebrate a year of life without Aquila. What celebration is that? To celebrate the light the world lost?
I know that we should be celebrating the life of Jesus, which was given to all of us on Christmas, but i am stuck in remembering my daughter covered in blood.
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12 comments:
(((((HUGS)))) to you. I know the holidays will never be the same. XO
I am so sorry for how your heart still breaks... I wish there was something someone somehow could lessen the pain... I'm sure you suffer post traumatic stress from Aquila's death... I pray that you will feel her spirit close to you and know that she is singing with the angels... but those angels and Aquila are not as far away as it feels she is. You can't hold her body, and my body aches with you for this loss... I still cannot really imagine it... but close your eyes and know Aquila is with you in Spirit. I truly believe God will keep her close to you. I pray this will someday make you smile.
Feeling sad for you today. May God send you green shoots of hope and joy in midwinter.
I think many of us here have those visions of our children ...visions that are unfulfilled. I can only share what has helped a little with holidays, we planted a tree for Sage a few months after she died. It blooms in the winter, when I am at my bleakest. We decorate her tree for each holiday. I imagine her sweetly swinging from its branches loving the twinkling lights and hanging ornaments. I will be adding a snowflake for Aquila this year. Sending much love and peace to you on your sweet girl's season of spirit.
My son was stillborn on All Saints Day (Nov 1, 2002). Since then we have tried to develop special family traditions around our baby's grave site. Maybe some of these ideas will help you.
On his birthday we always have a cake and bring balloons to leave at the grave site.
Several times during the year we go out with flowers and to pray.
On Christmas Eve we leave little tea lights and sprinkle his grave with glitter while we sing Silent Night.
These little special things comfort my heart and leave warm lasting memories for my other children.
Your baby is still part of your family - it's okay to have some family time and traditions that include her.
pax christi
I'm so sorry. Your strength and faith in the midst of all of this is a real inspiration to me, and I pray that God will give you peace this Christmas.
I just lost our twelfth baby 18 weeks into the pregnancy.As hard as that was , having a stillborn baby at full term would be harder I believe. Your blog caught my attention because of the word "brood". While poking around I found we had some other things in common-homeschooling, long time nursing, christian faith. I have not read all of your blog, but I have read your story of Aquila and the comments under crunchier than thou. I have had eight homebirths and four hospital births. One of the hospital births was a transfer from a homebirth and you are right about the time it really takes to get there. Once the decision is made to transfer it takes time for mom and everyone to get to car and even if you have called hospital beforehand, there are a number of people when you first get there that have no idea what is going on and valuable time can be lost. So, in the case of a true emergency situation, an OR room down the hall is the only thing that is close enough. I still am for homebirth if everything is going ok, but you are right to inform other moms that the possibility for tragedy can occur and there needs to be more said about that in the "crunchy" circles! I know about the guilt for trying to go the non medical way too. I was thinking that pre natals were useless and its better to be more like the unassisted homebirthers and do own pre natal. So, this twelfth baby I had not seen anyone-not my midwife nor a doctor friend that we sometimes see. I had a few spotting and bleeding episodes that would stop almost as soon as they started, and since I was still feeling nauseous and pregnant I disregarded them and felt that it was just an irritable cervix or low lying placenta that was moving upwards(I actually had this with a previous pregnancy that went fine). Boy, when my baby boy died and his placenta cultures showed he was normal chromosome and healthy, and it was probably something like a clot where placenta attached I was devastated. If only I had gone and got an ultrasound at our doctor friends office like I had in previous babies and if only I had taken my other symptoms seriously!I know that would not have stopped it but I could have taken precautions and my baby may still be alive right now. I was stupid! If the technology is there it's OK to use it when needed. I just want you to know that I think I know where you are coming from when you were trying to respond to those holier than thou crunchers. They just don't get it.
My daughter died when she was 8 months old. Her birthday is December 15. This time of year is very hard for me still, and it has been 7 years since she left us.
Hugs to you sweet Mama. May you feel some peace this season as you celebrate her birth and mourn her death.
xoxoxo
Someone recently told me that through Jesus God experienced *everything* we experience.
Oh, how He longs to draw you in close, Liz. He's been there. Lean on Him hard. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to genuinely join Him in celebrating His Son's birth and death. Without it, there would be no meaning to life, no purpose behind the heartaches of this world, as allusive as those purposes seem.
Thinking of you this season, especially.
The only solace I can fathom for you is that you will indeed one day be reunited with your beautiful daughter and that is only true because of the sacrifice Christ made for all of us. God bless you LIz.
I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. I'm sorry.
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