ugh- for the last three days my world has flipped upside down. i used to be so proud, so informed, so sure...
My births went like this-
birth #1 - hospital with a CNM
birth #2 -home with a CNM
birth #3 - home with a CPM
birth # 4- (aquila) -home with a CPM
my goal after #1 and even more so with #2 was having a "keep your gosh darn hands off me" birth. My CNM home birth involved an excruciatingly painful manual pushing back of a cervical lip- which i still 100% believe was unnecessary and left me with the same trauma as when i was raped at 17.
So, i took my births into my own hands- no i did not go for a UC (unassisted birth)- but i made sure that the next midwife i found would be one who was not a pushy-i tell you what to do and you do it, you have no choice- type of care provider. i had had enough of that.
so, Sebastian was born into my hands (midwife next to the tub), in a warm birth tub-and it was a wonderful experience-perfect birth-
so, naturally i wanted a repeat of this..after all my body had made and birthed three perfect babies. why should this be any different? i reasearched birth like a mad woman before all three of my homebirths. every study i found said homebirth is safer for low risk woman than hospital birth. i truely never found anything to refute this.
i researched possible comlications, researched choices for treatments for said complications. i timed my drive to the nearest hospital- 3 minutes
I thought i covered all my bases. the ironic thing is i have seen more OB's this pregnancy than i ever had- 1 for an initial prenatal and lab work, one for a mid-pregnancy ultrasound, and one the week before Aquila was born (who offered me and induction which i regrettably turned down). all three OB's were fine with and supportive of my homebirth choice .
But, the worst possible thing happened. what is considered a "true emergency" anywhere it happens, home hospital, birth center----
full placental abruption in labor.
but. BUT...but.... if this emergency HAD happened in the hospital my baby would almost certainly be alive right now.
So, ultimately , my birth "choices" lead to my daughter's death. that is where the beginning and end of the blame falls.
i am finding this weight of guilt to be crushing....
How to tell if your boyfriend is losing interest
2 years ago
13 comments:
No, you can not blame yourself! Remember, I have been part of 1000's (not hundreds) of births, and each time a complete abruption occured there was a tragic oucome. Most often it is the baby who dies due to the rapid blood loss from the placental bed, after all, you have apx. 3-5 minutes to perform a C Section- too short a time, even if you had general anethesia and a classical incision on the uterus. Some of births not only did we lose the baby, but we lost the mother. Too many times in my career as an OB RN I had to comfort family members after the tragic, inexplicable, tornado that cost them a loved one.
Your body, your choice. Never blame yourself for a situation that even Obstetricians fear-abruptio placentea. 90-98% of the time, no one can find a 'reason' for the placenta to break lose.
You have to let go of the 'what ifs' or it will forever be the unanswered question. It happened, it is horrible and tragic, and you did not deserve this. I would turn back the clock for you if I could, but even a mother's love cannot change what has already happened.
With all my love to you...Mom
Please don't blame yourself. This guilt is a totally normal part of grief. The what ifs are so tortuous. Having this experience does take away the carefree innocence that most people get to experience when it comes to pregnancy and birth. Take care of yourself and try to keep your head above the water. So very, very sorry Liz.
I am just reading the birth story and my heart is breaking for you. But you cannot blame yourself! Abruption is the biggest fear for OBs as well... and the outcome likely would have been the same in the hospital. I know that there is nothing that I can say to ease your pain, but please don't blame yourself. By choosing homebirth, you were choosing to give your sweet baby a peaceful, healthy birth. Your choice did not cause this. I pray that you can find peace somehow and that you can take care of yourself in all of this. You need time to recover and time to grieve. Allow yourself that without placing blame. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family, and sweet Aquila in Jesus' arms.
Oh Liz, none of this was your fault and your decision did not cause it. It is a game we mothers play with ourselves when we lose a child and we are not being fair to ourselves.
Abruption in a hospital would have likely had the same results. In fact, had you taken the induction, it would have.
My Joey died of SIDS and I wanted, no *needed*, something, anything, to blame. In the end, I have come to realize nothing would have changed the outcome. I will keep praying for you and hope that one day, you will go easier on yourself and realize your choices did NOT change the outcome.
In love and grace,
Becca
Yeah - actually hun, if it had happened in a hospital, the outcome would likely have been the same. They had Josie out in 8 minutes flat with me there - she'd been gone about 20 minutes, we think. But, those 8 minutes would have killed her anyway, most likely, without oxygen. At the very least, she would have suffered immense damage as a result of her experience. We would naturally have loved her just as much, had she lived, with brain damage, but, she probably would have died.
I was told she'd have died anyway by the OB staff in the hospital. I believe it. In 1986, my mother gave birth to my baby brother at 34 weeks - he died in the hospital, in my mother's womb, on a monitor, as a result of a placental abruption just like mine. And yours.
So, you cannot blame yourself or your choices - you made excellent choices. We are just on the wrong end of the balance - the side that fewer mothers reside on - the side where our babies have died.
Please, don't beat yourself. It's not your fault at all.
*HUGE hugs* XxXxX
It's such a short time, such a VERY short time, that anyone can live without oxygen. I've heard similar stories, ones that happen IN a hospital, and in most of the cases, they just can't get the baby out in time. I don't believe, even in a hospital setting, your outcome would have been different. And if your placenta was going to abrupt, an induction could have been disastrous for both of you and might have left your other children motherless, given how strong Pit can be. I know it's no consolation, I know. And you aren't going to not blame yourself. I blamed myself and blamed myself and still, even nine months later, have moments of horrible guilt... and I chose homebirth, like you, for the third time. This is part of the process, taking on the guilt, mother-guilt. We're hardwired for it. I can only tell you it changes over time. But right now, you are where you are, and it feels awful, overwhelming, yes, crushing. Try to keep breathing through the pain. And hold onto what you can.
I SO know how you feel. It has been just over 13 weeks since I lost my son, and I have had such moments of intense guilt over my choice to birth at home- particularly 2 weeks after his death. It is getting better, but still there is this huge shock that what I believed/believe about home birth may not be true. It is hard and I hope you can come through this dark time of blame and focus on grieving for your daughter without so much guilt. ((HUGS))
I am so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how bad the guilt must be.
You were doing what you knew to be best for you and your baby. Homebirth is a beautiful thing. Full placental abruption is so unpredictable. Even in the hospital there are no garauntees, they have roughly 6 minutes from the time of the full abruption to get baby out, the outcome would have most likely been the same.
I am so sorry you are going through this and that you lost your sweet baby.
My daughter died after a homebirth. Not a single day goes by that I don't look at myself and hate the choice that I made. It's funny that we fight so hard for homebirth while people cheer us on then our babies die and we finally see the truth and we become their enemies. They want to shut us up by saying that our babies would of died no matter what. They only say this because they don't want to see the truth. They want to see homebirth behind rose colored glasses. I am hated because I do speak out nowadays. Homebirth is dangerous and babies who shouldn't die, do.
Mama, although my baby didn't die I had a homebirth that resulted in brain injury for my sweet boy. I know this blame you feel. There is a song by Natalie Merchant "Motherland" and although it's not about birth there is a verse that I sang no less than 500 times in my processing... my resentment of those who don't have to carry this blame...
"Now come on shot gun bride
What makes me envy your life?
Faceless, nameless, innocent, blameless and free,
What's that like to be?"
Whenever anyone asks what happened to my son and I explain he got beat up on my pelvis at birth they immediately ask what hospital I had him at. When I tell them I had him at home I can SEE the accusation in their eyes... it's not imagined. It's only other homebirthers who really get it, it's not my fault, it's just the way it was.
I found your blog through MDC and couldn't not comment... I also wanted to tell you about EMDR therapy which was *extremely* helpful to me in processing the trauma of my son's birth and the NICU stay afterwards. I highly encourage you to find a therapist who does this... it is covered by insurance too.
You and your family will be in my thoughts.
My daughter suffered a severe brain injury from lack of oxygen during our homebirth. She did not die...yet. She will one day, much sooner than she should. The guilt was unbearable at first. "What if she'd been born in the hospital?". "What if I'd gone in for just one ultrasound?" I blamed myself and many of the doctors at the hospital blamed me too. How selfish I was to attempt a homebirth! But it's been over 2 years and I'm at peace with it. I hope you will find peace to. None of us are selfish or would put our children's lives in danger on purpose. These same things happen in the hopsital quite often, only then they say "Everyone did all the could, no one is to blame" or "It's just the way it was meant to be". Most of the time things like this can't even be predicted or prevented. Doctors can't save many of these babies. By the time they notice anything is wrong, it's too late. You did NOTHING wrong.
My daughter didn't die, but she was born severely brain-damaged after our attempted homebirth. She had a massive prenatal stroke...there were signs before the birth, like my fundal height never went past 36 even though I was 11 days overdue when I had her, but my midwife said she seemed low in my pelvis so I didn't worry...she quit moving around much, but my midwife said it was common at the end of pregnancy...
I don't know if going for a repeat c/s instead of trying for a hbac would have prevented her stroke, but I do think it would not have been so severe. I labored in agony for 72 hours before her heart rate started decel enough that the midwife urged me to transfer. I should have done it earlier.
We're lucky in that she didn't die and her disability could be much worse (she's pretty high functioning, she's significantly visually impaired and borderline mentally retarded, but it could be much worse), but it's hard to acknowledge that my daughter will be disabled her entire life and it's probably my fault.
I have a friend who's baby was brain damaged and died in the hospital 12 days after a home birth. My friend went on to have a healthy baby boy in the hospital via c-section. However, she still supports home birth and one of our friends who was actually at the home birth and witnessed everything is still having her baby at home in July. I was born at home and so were my brothers and we were born unassisted with just my father and a few friends there. My parents and their friends all had successful unassisted home births. Of course there's a risk with home birth, but there's a risk with every birth and babies die everyday in the hospital from abruptions. There are many stories of women who had a tragic loss just like yours in the hospital. I'm so very sorry for your loss! I miscarried at almost 19 weeks 10 years ago & I still think about my daughter often. I haven't had another child, but would like to and when I do I will deliver in a free standing birth clinic or a birth center with midwives attached to a hospital. I personally am not brave enough to deliver at home, but I do support my friends who do.
Post a Comment