tomorrow will be one month since the day ...the day my whole life changed.
my only memories of Aquila alive are ones of her in my womb. i was still pregnant one month ago. still anxiously awaiting her birth. i was full of complaints about the pain, the constant ache in my bones. i will never say (if the Lord so blesses me again) , "i am so tired of being pregnant!"
what a thing to complain about! the price i would pay to have her back in my stomach, squirming around, is not even measurable. there are so many things we complain about..things we should be REJOYCING in!
she always jumped at load noises. she got hiccups at night when i was laying in bed. when Sebastian was crying about one thing or another he would come wrap his little arms around my legs and scream/cry/sob into my belly and she would kick at him, as if to say "knock off all that racket!".
Ruby loved my belly. she would pull up my shirt poke my belly button and say "baby". then she would lay her head down on it and giggle while Aquila kicked her.
her movements turned absolutly frantic in early labor. she was trying to tell me...she was in danger. it hurt she kicked so hard and crazy.
i never got to meet her. we wait nine months to meet our babies. we imagine what they will look like, what there little personalities will be..we wait for what seems so long. but, my ending, or should i say my begining never came. i never met her. i never found out.
i feel so empty (physically). the Lord does fill me spiritually, but there is no baby in my arms. they are empty. the milk has dried from my breast. they to are empty. the bassent, the clothes, the diapers are packed up. they too are empty.
two weeks ago a sweet friend let me watch her little foster daughter (5 weeks old) while she worked. it was bliss. i had this thought in the last day that this is a little bit of something right in all that has been so wrong. i have a baby in my arms. even though it isnt my baby. even though she goes home after a few hours, i get to have a few hours where the world feels like it makes sense. i wish it could have continued, but she lives far from me and it is not in the least bit convienient for her to bring her all the way up here, instead of to the the same daycare as her other kiddos.
so we called up our agency to ask to be put on the list to foster a baby. they refused, saying they didn't feel comfortable with that. the director actually said " i dont want to you using a baby to help you heal"
thanks lady, you are a real gem.
so no baby. no baby
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8 comments:
That blows my mind, Liz. I can't think of a better fit than a baby in need of mothering and a mother in need of a baby.
I'm so sorry to hear that Liz. Who better to love a baby than you? Who better to take care of a little one in need?
That is just sooo wrong. When we lived in close communities, we would have been watching each other's babies, holding them, even nursing them. I don't think people understand or can comprehend the true physical NEED a mother of a stillborn child has to hold a baby. It IS healing.
yes, i have said and thought the same thing- if we lived in a tribal society there would be other babies around to nurse and care for while there mothers took a break. a woman who lost her child would still have babies to care for. and here i am , being treated like the CRAZY one for wanting to care for a baby, like it isn't the most natural thing in the world!
I'm sorry that we share a similar experience and thus pain. Aquila is a beautiful name. Hang in there.
I thought of saying this the other day, but I didn't. But now since you've asked us to comment, I will. What this demonstrates in part I think is the weakness of the pop psychology concept of "using someone." We all grow and heal through other people - there is nothing wrong with that. What that worker said to you makes me so angry.
so true Susan!
My daughter was born Nov 24th. I live in north central Austin. You can come hold her anytime you like for as long as you like, if it helps you.
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