ahh the meandering mind of a grieving mother

it's snowing here today- YES- SNOW in Austin , TX- stranger things have happened you know...
this winter they (the weather people that is) keep teasing us..telling us "it's going to SNOW tomorrow-hear that? SNOW!" but alas it hasn't, the last four times that is..but today it really did. it started as slush, then hard pellets of ice---to this Lucca said "SNOW!" and ran outside only to be pelted "ouch!". then an hour later fat, lovely snow...everything was quiet except for the sound of snow falling. i forgot what that sounds like. i was giddy, taking pictures, playing outside with the three little kids. what a beautiful sight...

and here i am going to give you a glimpse at the workings of my mind-which is constantly on some kind of emotional-hyper drive.

As the snow started to fall, i was reminded of how the first time they warned of snow, i was sure Aquila would be born. I was so sure she would be born in the snow. i knew there was something special about her, and snow in Texas, well i thought that would fit her perfectly.

you were supposed
to be born in snow,
winter child.
instead,
my heart froze over
the day of your birth.
and the sky,
well it stayed clear.
only my world grew grey.
for everyone else
the sun kept shining

so i wrote that poem
and i felt sad.

at the same time as feeling giddy about the snow i was sad about the snow. and then i was looking at my yard, slowly being transformed into bright white, and this hymn came into my head (where it has played on repeat ever since)

Jesus paid it all
all to him i owe
sin had left a crimson stain
he washed me white as snow


and i was overwhelmed in the feelings of amazement and gratefulness for Jesus who washed us so clean. he didn't just cover our sins, like the snow covers the ground, hiding the filth- he washes it. he removes it! and then i am filled with JOY.

At the same time i am also feeling a deep and draining longing to have a baby (any baby) here in the house...my mind bounces from why haven't they called to tell us our license is in? to when can i get pregnant again? to how can i convince someone to let me watch their baby instead of a daycare...
Then there are the distractions- like the vacation i booked to Hawaii for next month (booked during all the snow this morning), the ballroom dancing lessons i suggested to Gabe we sign up for, the top shelf margaritas i learned to make, the art..anything , anything to take my mind off her...because it is too much to focus on a dead baby all day long..to look at the same pictures hundreds of times..to close my eyes and try to remember each of the few minutes i held her...

ugh..and this happens all day long, my friends- JOY, sadness, longing, amazement, distraction...all wrapped up in one head.