tonight i watched my recorded episode of 'Secret life of the American teenager' . i have watched every episode since the beginning, as i have now fostered 4 teen moms, and they all insist on watching it..
and well (embarrassment) now i can't.stop.watching....
i was very very upset that the writers decided to have one of the main characters deliver a stillborn baby girl last week. Not that i don't think media should portray the reality that some babies die--but that i know that a TV show cannot carry the weight that is baby-loss. I dread the episode when Adrian 'gets over it' ....
but anyhow, tonight's episode is supposed to be fast-forwarded to two months after Mercy's death. Adrian is depressed and angry.She will not leave the house and is eating all day long. Everyone on the show is worried about her, and trying to make her better.
watching this i am wanting to scream at the screen- 'WHAT SHE NEEDS is to talk with another mom who has lost her baby! What she needs is all of you to back the F off her case'
and what the writers had her say struck me. She said " i am so sick of hearing about how everyone is worried about me.it is such a burden. it is so heavy on top of the burden of losing my baby!"
I thought YES - this is it!
all the advice and judgment that has been handed to me over the last almost 18 months is a burden. Well meaning people (and some not well meaning people) seem to just jump at the chance to decide how i should carry my weight- and seem to have no filter for telling me.
I do not care if you think we should have waited to have Willow.
I do not care if you thought, or still think i was not or am not dealing with my grief appropriately.
I do not care if you do not like that i am angry.
I do not care if you think we shouldn't foster, or move or do anything 'rash'.
I do not care if you think i should or should not sue my midwife.
i do not care if you think anything about what i should or should not do in MY life.
do not add your burden onto this weight i have to carry. you may think you would do it differently, or better than me--- but really you should just be thanking God that you do not have to try.
*note- there are many people i have asked for advice- i am not talking to you. i am mostly talking about people who have said ugly things. if you are worried i am tlaking about you- just ask. i don't bite. promise.
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8 comments:
I had an interesting conversation with the husband of a midwife last night. He is our homeschool advisor, and we think of him as a friend. He said that there was one dear lady who's baby had died during birth, I am assuming attended by his wife, and she had seven children, this little one was her eighth. People were cruel, they said "well you have seven others..." and "it was just meant to be". He said that she just struggled so much because she wanted to say, "it's like cutting off one of my fingers, which would they have me cut off?"... How true I thought, who would, if anyone, be willing to give up an eye? Which eye would you rather go through life without? I mean, you can still see if you only have one eye, right? Who would give up one of their eyes? I don't think anyone would, and I think, this. is. so. much. harder. :(
I can't imagine this at all Liz. I just want to be honest. I am so sorry that others are so insensitive, and I somehow hope in some very misguided way they think they are being helpful? :( Lord help us.
((((hugs)))) and praying.
~Rebecca in Alberta, Canada
Beautifully put.
It is a burden isn't it? You are right, and I feel it too, that's why I'm struggling to write on my blog lately, and even struggling to speak.
Perfectly said. ((((HUGS))))
I really couldn't agree more. Worrying how everyone else is going to react to my grief (and it is still grief, despite the years) over my father has by far become the most difficult part. The unfortunate side effect of fabulous medical technology is that people no longer understand grief as most don't experience it very often.
I think this is a lesson that all people need to learn. Grief doesn't work on your schedule and it doesn't fit into your box. The best thing you can do for me is leave me alone and let me grieve.
I know we do not know each other, but I have read your blog for over a year now. I have a few friends who are angel moms as well, and your post sums up why I'm often at a loss for words for these dear ladies. I so fear saying the wrong thing and making her pain worse. As you say, adding to her burden.
I hope you don't mind this link to my own blog. I wrote this a few months ago, but think this is how us who have not experienced a loss should react.
http://thruthemaze.blogspot.com/2011/03/romans-1215.html
I'm so sorry that you are weighed down with extra crap that people have dumped on you. (((hugs))) It's amazing to me how often people have that old verbal diarrhea these days.
Yes.
I have not birthed a still baby, but I have dealt with pregnancy loss.
And my heart reads this and says ...
Yes.
You are right, Liz. I cringe too when I see loss in the media...even worse when it is portrayed as "and She is "still" not over it..."Only you know what is right for you and your family. Nobody else has to live with your decisions.
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