the bitter root

the post has been a long time coming. i write it. Then more life, more conversations, more prayer happens and it changes....
when i first lost Aquila i had no blame. the first thing i said to Faith when she came to the hospital was "i know you did everything you could". i had never seen her look so beaten down and i felt terrible for her. But, over the months things changed. i received birth records that claimed i refused to transfer. i herd rumors that i had refused to transfer. Things started seeming very fishy. I filed a complaint. i went to the board meeting in June to have the board hear my complaint. I told my/Aquila's story. I could not attend the Sept meeting since i was in the hospital with Willow. my husband and two of my friends who attended Aquila's birth went though. They came back and told me that Faith had stood up there, in front of a room full of people and lied about what happened. that she was trying to get out of the charges she had gotten.
that is when the anger crept in.

Up until then my interactions with Faith had actually been very warm. i have kept all our private emails and conversation private. But if anyone were to read them you would not see us in any way as enemies. But, apparently now we appear so. Faith has called me publicly and privately a slanderer. i have been told by people who care about her that i am on a "witch hunt". those are some harsh words. I suppose that would be like if i told Faith she murdered my baby. I am not lying about Faith, but she did not murder Aquila. She made some very bad decisions as my care provider, which lead to a preventable death of my daughter. I have told her story-which although it does not paint Faith in the best of lights- is accurate to the best of my ability and backed by 4 witness from the birth. It is not slander, because i did not lie. Hers was not murder, because she had no ill intent.

So as i am preparing for this Monday, which will be the final (hopefully) board meeting about my case, i am in turmoil.

this has been such hard work, trying to protect, trying to stand for truth. Unfortunately with all my good intentions, i got lost along the way. My grief and my anger became entangled and slowly tightened up on me, choking out my air. All the forgiveness i had for her was gone , left only with bitterness. and with bitterness and unforgiveness comes separation from God. Because, God cannot work in us when we hold anger in our hearts.
James 1:20
Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.

i tried to meet with her privately in December, but she refused to meet and called me a slanderer. I wanted to talk with her to have some kind of peace. But she told me she was now ceasing all communication by blocking my emails.

so , i am left to resolve things with her without her ...if that makes sense.

all i know is that i feel like this bitterness has corroded my heart without me even realizing the damage. I have to let go and let God heal me, let him bring justice and protection. i cannot express how hard it was to just type that. i need to forgive. again. and again...and maybe daily- for my sake, not hers.
The thing about forgiveness is that is has nothing to do with things being made right , or with restitution. Faith cannot give me back my daughter. She wont give me herself to talk with and help me work out things. she wont give me the truth... she might just go right on lying about me for all of her days. She probably does not even realize any more which way is up or down when it come to me and Aquila. I think to protect herself, she changed the story in her head.
Forgiveness is about paying someone else's debt. God does not make us pay back all of our sin, he forgives us. and he tells us to likewise forgive those who hurt us.


So, Faith, i forgive you.


And, friends please pray for me on Monday. i will be back in front of that board and it makes my stomach turn to think about it. i need strength and i need God to lead my mouth.
This is the passage i am looking to to guide me:


James 2
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.