sorry for the late update. i wish i had more to tell you. The board did not "re-hear" Faith's case. They mearly signed off on it.
i was however able to tell the board, especially Sylyna that i did not appritiate the way was i was treated in June.
here are the audio recordings from both the june and september meeting, and transcripts for the first half of the june meeting.
some of my "favorite" quotes include
"Faith: Well, I think what I'd like to just say first is I was surprised when your baby passed.... I did not know that the baby was in that immediate of a danger. Because of the signs we were seeing, I did not think the baby was in immediate danger. Otherwise, of course I definitely would've been acting quicker."
"Janet: I wish that there was a clear-cut answer for you, because I know that would really help the grieving process for you. But sometimes we just will never know for certain. We are looking at these issues, and we do agree with you, they should have been picked up sooner. But I wish I could tell you that would have made a difference. I don't know. Because babies die in the hospital with chorioamnionitis too.
: liz: That excuse is not really going to work here, because at least she'd have had a fighting chance. The big difference, when I'm walking around and having people blame me for the birth of my child...
Janet: This was not your fault, okay? It was not your fault. It was not.
Thalia: Where I live, east Texas, there's a family. They have nine children. They just had their ninth one, and the mother died [unintelligible] chorioamnionitis [unintelligible], and she was having a hospital birth. She had a hospital birth.
Janet: And it happens. I mean, infections happen all over the place, and it's just almost impossible to really pinpoint when, where, and how. And I realize it's probably little comfort for you, because you still are a mother without a baby in your arms, and we really are sorry for that.
Sylyna: Any other questions? Do you have anything you want to ask us? [unintelligible] suggestions.
Thalia: The first thing I'd like to say is that there's nothing that we can say or do that or that we can ask Faith to say or do [unintelligible] in any way bring back your baby.
Liz: I didn't come here for that."
"Faith: If I noted contractions, and I noted what the baby's heart tones...
Janet: No, Faith, listen to me. Listen to me. You did not come in and do a blood pressure, a pulse, a temperature, a respiration. You did heart tones. You didn't do a vaginal exam, you didn't note whether the baby was active or not, especially with those heart tones. You did not do an initial assessment. You did not. And that really is an issue, because you didn't do one."
unfortunately i do not have the other half transcribed yet. but if you listen to it you will here them tel me i cant bring back my baby again...tell Faith "we know you are a good midwife". you will here them say "we are saying that" when i say " no one is saying faith really screwed up"...among many other things.
after reading through that you will see Faith got "probated suspension' for 6 months.meaning she still can practice, but with stipulations. the stipulations were- not attending births alone (for 6 months), and she must go to a talk with another midwife about Chorio, and she must turn in 10 birth records.
and here was Faith's comment on her youtube channel to the comments made by others about Aquila's birth:
" This is Faith, the midwife being talked about here. I have just returned from Africa where even there I continued to assist in safe deliveries. I have attended hundreds of deliveries and work with another very safe and skilled midwife at CentreVida. The story that this family is telling of the birth is not true. This mother did not head my advice throughout both of the pregnancies and births I assisted her with. I pray one day she will make peace with her decisions. "
she has since deleted the comment. Nice huh, how now she blames me for "my decisions" killing my daughter, when she herself said on public record that " she did not think my baby was in immediate danger"...
it's about daily forgiveness.... because it is daily and forever grieving.
so, i feel i have done what i can do about Faith..now i have bigger fish to fry. Many people read my blog who are not "in my corner" , so i will not be publicly discussing my moves. i don't want a backlash burying the hard work i am doing. But suffice it to say, Aquila will not be forgotten.
lurkers who are supportive, why don't you say hello here in my comments? i love a good comment!
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27 comments:
Hello, Liz!
You are right, Aquila will NEVER be forgotten. As I have said, time and time again, much good has come from you sharing your story.
One is that I have fully grieved for mama's who have lost their babies-no matter what the circumstances. Of course, it's even more tragic if it's preventable...YOU have helped me, after 7 pregnancies and 6 babies, that mama's DO lose their full term babies..they just do. Life is precious, and to be protected from conception to the elderly natural death...and pregnancy and birth protection is needed.
Thank you so much for being brave, and doing what your heart tells you in this matter. You are loved, as is Aquila.
I had my first homebirth with our 6th, and it was great..however, looking back, after a post delivery placenta complication, just how wrong things could have went. I'm debating my perfect birth scenario for any future children (God willing) being at home on my terms, or in the hospital with my favorite crunchy OB..due in part from your story.
God Bless you in your pursuits, and your healing. Much Love.
Hi Liz,
I have been following your story for a while now. I am sorry to hear that the board is not suspending her from practice completely.
I am a reformed birth junkie. I seriously considered becoming a CPM in my early twenties, and took several classes at the home of a local DEM. This lady took what she did quite seriously, and didn't mince words. During one class, she stated that if you practice long enough as a homebirth midwife, you will eventually be involved in the death of a child who would have survived had they been in the hospital. That was absolutely not something I could live with, so I went to nursing school.
I am *so glad* I went against my hippie instincts and went to nursing school. I truly no longer think it is possible to practice in a safe manner without that background in physiology, microbiology, clinicals with all age groups, etc. It is so true when people say that CPMs don't know what they don't know.I really don't know how a complete assessment can be done without fully understanding what you're assessing for and why.
I would also like to add that the never-ending "Babies die in hospitals too", as the board members implied during this hearing, makes my head want to explode. Yes, babies die in hospitals too, but in much smaller numbers, because symptoms like yours and Aquila's are taken seriously.
I wish you success in your efforts going forward from here! I appreciate you continuing to put your story out there, in spite of those who want to pretend like this tragedy never happened.
Huge Hugs for you sweetie. I hate that they pulled the 'Babies die in the hospital all the time' shit on you. Because I HAD a baby that died in the hospital and I still think that Faith is at fault.
I wish you luck on moving forward, I think all you can do at this point is leave this blog up and hope someone will find it and say 'I don't want to entrust my life and that of my baby in this woman'
many hugs and much love
Hello! I was a lurker, but now I'm Mary's friend Alexandra on your Facebook and have been getting to know your family more through there.
It is easy to fight a winning fight. It is much harder to do what you know is right when you know that you will lose the battle. That's the bravery you showed when confronting Faith's buddies on the board. The battle may have been impossible to win, but the war is not lost.
I wish I could help you with more than prayer. And if your next steps involve any kind of legal fund, if you put up a donate button I'll bet a lot of people would pitch in. Just sayin'.
Liz, I'm listening to the transcripts which are fascinating. Thanks for sharing them.
I am at the point where there is discussion about having an OB present to talk about the classic signs of abruption and how unfortunate it is that the available doc had recused herself. The Medical Examiner's report would not give the same information about the classic signs of an abruption! It was kind of silly of the moderator to imply that it would. It's like they weren't listening to you there which is frustrating.
I'm just some girl. I'm a doula now, and hoping to go to nursing school in a few years to become a CNM. I found you through Amy Tuteur.
I've read your whole story, and it just tears my heart up. The pictures of you holding Aquila will always be what I see when I think of grief. You have been through so much, too, too much. My husband and I have no children yet, but we hope to build a family much like yours. It's clear that you have put love first and foremost in your life, and for this to happen in your life is a sin and a shame.
*hugs* I'm praying for you. And no longer lurking.
Hi Liz,
I've cried over your story several times, and reading that transcript just made me angry. I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this and then sit and listen to all those excuses. You are a stronger, more patient woman woman than I could ever dream of being, and I applaud you for your bravery in sharing your story.
If I could I would just like to say ditto to areawoman's comments.
I lost sleep when I read the first transcript, not sure at this point in my pregnancy if I can bear listening to any of the others. I definitely felt they'd made their determinations before the hearing, that it was understood that Faith Beltz wasn't at fault for not acting in a reasonable way to prevent Aquila's death.
Here's my hypothesis on that. Midwives will at some point, as happywoman stated, attend a birth where there is a catastrophic and very tragic outcome, whether it is the death of the child or serious damage to the child/woman, as a result of being at home... The trouble being, for Midwives to accept that the damage happened, or death happened because home does not have the life saving equipment that hospitals do, is unthinkable. Of course you can't accept that, to accept that means you'd have to step outside the paradigm, and admit homebirth isn't safe.
Maybe, it's all about protecting the paradigm, not necessarily the Midwife.
I would that one of the Midwives from that review board would simply admit, that Aquila would have had a chance had she been born in hospital. But they all need to protect the paradigm, God forbid that they should cause fear... :(
Praying for you Liz. I am torn up still, I read your story just two short weeks ago, and I am still reeling.
~Rebecca
Liz,
As a mother who has had 8 homebirths, I feel nothing but outrage. Outrage at how you are being treated. Your situation could have easily happened to me or any other woman birthing at home. All mothers(whether they like homebirth or not) should be outraged--a negligent birth attendant(whether dr or midwife) should be brought to justice. It's plain to see that this midwife did not do her job in assessing the birth,(when I first read your birth story it was so clear). And now to add further insult to your grief you are scorned for trying to bring the midwife to justice. All I keep thinking is "Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted," and "Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be satisfied."
Hello Liz:
I am so sorry that you lost your sweet baby Aquila and am so deeply sorry for your family and friends who lost her that day as well.
I hope that time will heal your wounded heart. Your artwork on this blog says it all.
I am so sorry.
Liz, I love CCC's comment, specifically the Beatitudes that she quotes. I pray that your path will be straight and that you will be able to walk forward with your head held high, knowing that your beautiful Aquila did not die in vain. The grief you felt, you feel, is not going to go unnoticed by others or by God. Your living children are lucky to have such a wonderful woman as their mother.
Liz, I am so sorry there is no result from this hearing. They trotted out every platitude in the NCB handbook. It's disgusting - it feels like this makes woman and their babies second-class citizens.
Ugh, I have to take a shower to wash the disgust out of me.
Liz,
This has to be so frustrating. I know that sharing your story has affected others. Who knows how many mothers you have influenced. Aquila may have had a short time on earth, but she has made quite an impact.
Praying for you!
Donna
I want to second everything ccc said.
I have lurked into your site twice, referred through FB. I have cried many a time thinking about your grief and the people who have made it worse by obviously making it their mission to cover up their own mistakes.
I am a homebirthing mother that comes from a homebirthing family, I have had three midwives working along side eachother. An Amish midwife who attended more than 1200 births and her daughter, as well as a more modern midwife - I thankfully have not had a bad experience.
I am still unbelievably glad for their presence and my birth-choices. After reading your story I am now more thankful than ever, I was once upon a time anxious as to why my midwives were so quick to refer me to an OBGYN - and to tell me they could not assure me a homebirth but would accompany me to the hospital if something were to be the slightest bit off.
My main midwife with the most experience was brutally honest with me, whereas my newer modern midwife seemed much more confident with possible outcomes.
I was confused because I thought experience equaled confidence, but I grew to realize that experience warrants caution. In Dr.s as well as midwifes I assume.
My first birth I was by no means taking the dangers of birth lightly, I knew very well the worse case and thought daily about the bad outcomes but I was still a bit bothered by the thought of my plans not going as I wanted them to. I think a lot of women are probably in that same boat - may even take a midwife who is unconcerned with risk to one who seems quick to transfer because of it.
I was lucky and had the seemingly perfect mix of midwifery and very lucky to have uneventful labor.
Anyhow, I find your story a very important one to share. I now have a place to send friends for real life knowledge of the dangers associated with homebirths as well as the wonderful side of them. You have put the beautiful unforgettable face of your little one on the other side of the equation of homebirth that has shaken my being. We all have seen the dark side of hospital birth, the good side of hospital intervention and the profound beauty of homebirth - again I thank YOU for allowing others to see the dark side of homebirthing and your entire family's story.
Stephanie
Also let me say I am sorry for all and any of the negative comments left by the homebirthing community. How sad people are defending their own choices.
I will never not try and homebirth, but I NOW will be even more cautious about the dangers -therefore you have not changed my choice but thankfully have changed my decision process... if that makes sense...?
Liz,
So sorry that you didn't get justice. Words are failing me.
Liz,
I just really think that you need a good attorney - we need to put together a legal fund for you -
This midwife is an idiot - she should have called 911 absolutely - immediately - no questions asked - running to the phone - sprinting to the phone - when you became febrile. Take this case to another legal level - for other women.
What in the world - why in the hell ("excuse my French") would a homebirth midwife not peform an internal exam or check vital signs ?? I cannot imagine - cannot imagine - this happening. What in the world was this woman doing while you were supposed to be having a baby - (watching tv, reading a book, sitting on her ass) - why was she not participating ?? I just don't get this. She needs to find another career.
I can't believe this Faith woman. Disgusting.
I pray for your strength in your future actions.
Okay, I am still going over the transcript and audio - and just shaking my head. Liz, I am really impressed that you remember as much as you do. When I have been in hard labor - maybe at around 9 cms - it has all been so painful - just a fog of pain and this strange inward feeling, almost a loss of consciousness.
I see this as the issue : - you were so ill - and the baby was so ill - how could anyone expect YOU to make any intelligent and responsible decisions regarding transport ? I have to tell you that I have no respect for this doula - either. I think that she is as much to blame as the midwife. The decisions should have been made by the midwife ALONE - and HER alone. You were TOO sick to participate in any decision-making.
It sounds like Faith just froze - knew the baby was in trouble - fearful of legal accusation and did not want to call EMS - even though she knew damn well - that is was absolutely necessary. How could she NOT ? Geez. And what is this car and packing up equipment issue all about - what in the hell ???? I just don't get this.
I know words don't do much for an aching heart. But I do know that prayers are heard and somewhere, somehow, you will feel His hands of comfort. I wish I could say more, something from what I've experienced to encourage you or lift you up, but what I've been through seems so small in comparison.
Please know that I will be praying for you.
In Christ's never-ending love,
Tashena
I never feel like I have the right words to comment, but I am so, so sorry for what you and Aquila went through. I felt really angry for you when I read the comment about babies dying of chorionicamniotitus in hospital too. I should really be able to spell it, because my third baby and I had it along with a placental abruption, but we were in hospital and we are blessed to have him here with us now. i'm praying for you and and your family.
I'm sorry Liz. I wish I could help you carry the load, I know bitterness and I know anger, I wish it was all directed at my midwife but most of the time it is directed at myself. Sometimes I feel so much self-hatred that there is nothing left over to actually hate(or be angry) towards the midwives responsible for my daughter's death. I have thought so much of you and it simply breaks my heart to know that we might never get justice here on earth and even if we did it would never make things less painful, what it would do is maybe redirect our grief. I wish we could wake up and simply miss our daughters, just long for them and miss them, be sad about their absence and wish them back, but I know every morning I feel that combined with indignation(is this a word?), betrayal, overwhelming guilt, overwhelming misery... I remember wishing that the Medical Examiner would call me and say, your daughter's heart had a defect..., how can you explain this? My best way to explain it is how my midwife did not only take my daughter away she even took her after death because our grief will never be just grief, it will be a whole lot of other things too. I just want to miss my daughter, I just want to wish her back...
My love to you... May God grant you the strength and ability to forgive, all good things come from above, it's not something we could ever accomplish ourselves, I think God is just waiting for us to ask Him to give us that.
I am lurker, and I will never pretend to know what your pain is like. I do know, however, that you have done a wonderful and precious thing by sharing your story, and I support and stand behind you 100 percent.
Faith is at fault. There is no doubt in my mind, and I am ashamed of the women who publicly malign you.
I'm a new reader to your blog. I just viewed the birth of your lovely daughter at the bottom of the page.
I am so, so sorry!
I hope you find peace and resolution to your grief process.
I just stopped by your blog for the first time today. Firstly, I cannot imagine what you have been through and my heart goes out to you. Secondly, I am a social worker who takes advocacy very seriously. There will ALWAYS be people who disagree, oppose, and actively seek to make you look unintelligent. Persevere, keep going. Families deserve higher standards, and to know the truth.
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