On Anger...
Let me tell you about the Liz I know
I have heard and seen people comment about how Liz (and other moms with Hb losses) is "angry and bitter". These people, sometimes even family and friends, say things from "Im worried about you, your blog is so angry!" all the way to "You are just an angry woman, bitter and mean, who cannot get over their loss, and who wants to frighten others". While a few are well meaning, none seem to understand what is actually going on, and don't get to see this family in action, daily.
They misunderstand that her blogging is often a way to work through hurt, pain and confusion. It is not a window into daily life, but a type of therapy. When there is no place for grief or hurt in the hustle and bustle of daily life, the internet becomes the sole outlet for this much needed expression. Its a way to have your feelings validated, to know others have been there, or are there to see you through, and to share your story with other moms in hopes of saving a life.
People also forget that the loss of a much wanted baby is not something you "get over", the hurt never goes away. When you add the fact that it was a death due to someone elses gross negligence, and that person continues practicing, unpunished, like nothing ever happened, the injustice is a wound nearly as painful as the loss. I liken it to losing your baby to a drunk driver- but this driver doesn't even get a ticket, and goes on to make a lot of money by driving cars while intoxicated, and promoting drunk driving to the public. Imagine that! How would YOU feel?
But as justified as her anger is, she is simply NOT an angry person and does not live life in bitterness. I don't know how she does it, but Im here to tell you that she handles this tragedy with much grace, and lives as normal a life as anyone.
This is Liz, today:
Liz is very smart, full of energy and ideas, determined, very organized, deeply loving and a true Christian that lives her convictions. This is a mom who is devoted to her family, cares for her friends, sacrifices to help strangers, and loves with the force of nature. A nurturer, a friend, a partner; she gives 110% to all. Each and every day is full of smiles, laughter and love, even when things aren't going well. Indeed, its when things are at their bleakest, the strength of her character shines through. She is a great wife, amazing friend, and a wonderful mom who is there for her kids. Always present, both physically and emotionally, they want for nothing and are some of the happiest, most positive and well behaved children I have ever met.
Aquila is never far from their minds, and she is always mentioned with love. Random comments about Aquila pop up, like flowers, out of daily life: "I bet she would have had hair like Sebastians!", or "We are making a garden for her every house we live in", or "I think Aquila would be buddies with Jack (my son)", etc. Not a day goes by that she isn't thought of, or talked about, by all. Imagining the kid she would be today is part of remembering her.
Between schooling, playing, cooking, and the other routine things, there is just not much time left for anger. My son and I are living with them right now, So I see Liz every day, all day- the good, the bad, and the funny. I'm not saying she's perfect, she is a human like all others, just that positivity is what makes up day to day life at the Paparellas. The justified ire she has for dangerous midwives, and those who champion such causes, is reserved for online activities, it doesn't spill over into family life.
I hope this clears up some misconceptions people may have. I should never have to see such a wonderful person in tears, fearing the loss of loved ones because they think she's become "angry". I'm not exaggerating when I say that there is no one else out there that will stick by you, and support you the way she will, all without a second thought. She deserves the same.
Stacey Westover
6 comments:
Great post Stacey. I couldn't agree more with the way you've described Liz.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 This is spot on. Liz embodies grace, love, patience, determination, and humor. Far from being angry and bitter, she is one of the kindest and most hilariously brilliant people I've ever had the privilege to meet. ~Marlo
Going by Stacey's description, Liz, i'd say your blog actually represents you pretty well. I've never met you, but her description sounds like my impression of you. Sometimes people only see what they want to see. It's easier to dismiss ideas that make you uncomfortable if you imagine they come from an embittered, angry person. But anyone who reads this blog and takes away that impression of you is either a really bad judge of character or has no interest in actually getting to know you. (Thanks for the confirmation, Stacey!) S
I am so glad you see her so clearly! Her beauty, grace, love, and strength are amazing. She lives life with more peace than anyone I know. She is a gifted and loving woman who is passionate about a wrong that was done to her & her family. No one, no one has a right to judge her!
When I see her with her family, how her children love each other, and the respect they all share, I am humbled. How did I get so lucky? How is this child mine? I know how her loss has affected them all. I know she will carry it for the rest of her life. She is a daughter who has forgiven even this imperfect mother.
No one has the right to call her angry. Even when they do, she rises above it, she continues to care. Thank you for standing strong with my 'baby girl'.
Liz's Mom
I wonder why suffering and grief are expected to cause no reactions in people's hearts - never a day of anger, never an expression of loss. It is not even human.
It kills me that people are attacking you, Liz. They are making the burden of grief even harder to bear than it already is.
Thank you for writing this guest post, Stacey. I appreciated your words and I'm so thankful that you are sticking up for your friend. You see her clearly. It's obvious that some others, who are NOT walking through grief, don't know her like you do. I just wish they would be quiet about it, and close their mean mouths.
Cathy in Missouri
This is a terrific post, Stacy. I have not been fortunate enough to meet Liz in real life (but I hope to someday!), but I have never gotten the impression that she is consumed by anger. Liz is a strong woman who has become a passionate advocate for mothers and babies. It would be far easier for her to be quiet about the abominable tragedy that caused the death of sweet Aquila, but she persists in helping others in the face of unfair and often ugly criticism. Liz, keep doing what you are doing!
Post a Comment