church is hard for me. i think i might go to the most fertile church on the planet- every woman seems to be either sporting a bowling ball under her dress or carrying a sweet little one in their arms.
i avoid them all like the plague.
especially after a few months ago... i braved attending the "moms" bible study. i lasted about 10 minutes. till i asked this one mama with a baby in her moby wrap how old he was...he was born the day i buried my daughter. i ran to the bathroom where i sobbed for so long a friend had to drive up the church to calm me down so i could drive. and who should be at the woman's retreat? this lady with sweet little funeral baby in arms. and i am put in her room! along with 3 other nursing moms. it was hell . i did not sleep. i was able to be moved for the next night, but i continued to run into this lady over and over. finally i felt i must explain my rudeness when she started chatting with me about how i inspired her by always wearing my babies in slings. then i told her, "look , i am sorry if i come off as i don't like you but my baby died at birth and i buried her on the day your son was born" insert waterworks and choking back any other conversation.
i was just thinking last sunday how nice it is that i never see her at the service we attend. whew! but oh i should not have thought that. this week, who do i see? you guessed it. perfect view of their sweet family. i was sucked into imagining Aquila bouncing in my lap like her baby boy, and i had to stop myself.
ugh
but then things went better. while waiting in line to pick up sebastian i saw a new mama with her little tiny one in a ring sling. the sling was not positioned correctly and i all could think was how i should be showing her how to fix it. see, i used to own a business, making and selling baby slings. so i always help mamas with their slings. but not once since Aquila have i braved talking to some new mom. but I DID IT. i talked to her. i fixed her sling. i smiled. i told her her son was beautiful. i did not mention my dead baby. i did not cry. it was a milestone.
then when i got home i had two pieces of mail. one was my health insurance quarterly update. i did cry. Aquila's name was on it. everyone in my family- all our names listed in order the same way they read in my heart. health insurance for a dead baby.
the other mail was a notification of the day of the hearing for my midwife. i have not really discussed this on here, because i want to wait till after the board decides if she is keeping her license.
whew.. and it's only 1:42 in the afternoon.
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9 comments:
I'm sorry, that sounds so hard. *hug* One of the other leaders in my LLL group was due just a couple weeks after me. She had her son on the 5 month "anniversary" of me losing mine. She sent an email out to our group with pictures of him and all I could do was sob, I never did tell her congratulations or anything. I just try to avoid her because it tears me up inside.
I hate going to church too, for the same reasons. It's like hanging out in the maternity ward!
Liz, you are so, so strong. Anyone who has suffered such a loss would be going through the same emotions and reactions, so bless you that you keep trying and trying and trying. Never worry that your grief may bubble up--Aquila is in your heart always, and sometimes crying is the only way you can release those emotions. I am sorry it is so hard, though, and I send you many hugs.
Liz, keep strong, you are a lovely mother.x
I understand the church thing. We haven't been back except for easter which was a big mistake. all the little girls in their cute dresses. Anyways, all that to say, I'm glad for the progress you make...whether you feel like it or not. I am inspired by you. ((hugs))
I'm so glad you were able to find the strength to help that mama with her sling. I know how hard that can be, having been a childbirth educator once upon a time and a community resource for all things baby and attachment parenting....People still randomly call me, and I always have to explain that I'm not crying about their joy...but about my loss. They usually understand, and are grateful for my willingness to help in spite of my obvious pain. ((HUG))
I saw that piece of mail and thought that must have been upsetting. I'm sorry you've had such a rough week.
I always, always remember Aquila's birthday because it's the day after Jack's. I always light a little candle that night. I always remember to be grateful for life and mourn for her sweet face- her soft dark hair and her chubby cheeks. I wish she was here, laughing and smiling with Jack, growing up together.
I'm really sorry I didn't mention her birthday today; it can be hard to remember that it won't make the reality any heavier for you- it's always there.
Happy Birthday Aquila! We miss you!
Sorry, recycle is me, Bethany. I DO NOT ever remember making an account, but I guess I did!
I saw that piece of mail and thought that must have been upsetting. I'm sorry you've had such a rough week.
I always, always remember Aquila's birthday because it's the day after Jack's. I always light a little candle that night. I always remember to be grateful for life and mourn for her sweet face- her soft dark hair and her chubby cheeks. I wish she was here, laughing and smiling with Jack, growing up together.
I'm really sorry I didn't mention her birthday today; it can be hard to remember that it won't make the reality any heavier for you- it's always there.
Happy Birthday Aquila! We miss you!
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