the truth

I don't feel i can go into much detail as to what occurred at the board meeting. Suffice it to say Faith Beltz received only a slap on the hand, although the board did say that she "skewed up", did not have adequate knowledge, and made poor judgment calls.
I know since the board this is not (by far) the first time this has happened (with the board, not Faith), and i know i am the first parent to show up to one of these to speak out against a midwife (although not the first to file a complaint). And, i know why- Emotionally doing so is like putting yourself through the ringer, only to be humiliated and belittled. I would have been so much easier to just leave it, and move on.
BUT

i have been told a few things about myself:
one that i am persistent
two that i have high expectations of myself and others

Another thing i can tell you about myself- i love the truth. Even as a child i was terrible at lying. As an adult it became abhorrent to me.

Anyone who might think i will take this as the end, lay down, and roll over- does not know me very well.

I will leave that at that.

wow. i need to do some weeding.

my dear blogger friend Maggie posted this today and it floored me. this is so what i need to do right now....


Dealing with the reality of changing relationships after your child dies.
Written by Kristi Sagrillo
A wise gardener once told me that if you want a beautiful garden to grow you must weed it from time to time. Weeding for any gardener, whether it’s a small flower pot on the front porch or a gorgeous flower garden in the backyard is an assumed task and occasionally just has to be done. However, if you neglect to prune the weeds they will eventually begin to overcrowd or, worse yet, become invasive and try and take over your entire garden.

After the death of my son, I began to apply this same logic to my own life.

On November 7, 2005 my son Alex was stillborn; I was 37 weeks pregnant with him. He was perfect and healthy, except for the twisted umbilical cord that cut off his oxygen supply. Alex was a beautiful 8 pound 21 inch baby boy. Up until this point in time, my “life garden”, as I will affectionately refer to it, was perfect. Or, so it seemed. But on that date, and from that time forward, everything was different. My life garden had been devastated. There were no more blooming flowers; they had all been drowned by the tears that showered down upon them. Those first few weeks after Alex’s death were very surreal. Nothing mattered any longer. Life had continued to go on around me and I felt like I was helplessly watching a horrible movie unfold before my eyes and I couldn’t find the door to escape.

Soon the weeks turned into months and I had noticed that my life garden had a small number of flowers that had weathered the storm. Of course, the black cloud was ever-present and it still rained sporadically, but it was not raining quite as hard or as long as it did those first few months. My husband and living children were still there, they had always been there I just couldn’t see them until the rain had subsided. And new flowers began to sprout up - flowers that I had never planted or maybe never noticed before. These new friends and past acquaintances were now offering me their genuine love and support and would become the flower border surrounding my life garden. The support they gave me and continue to give me is cherished, now and forever.

As my garden began to slowly grow back, so did the weeds. At first I didn’t have the energy or the strength to pick them so I just ignored them. But eventually they were beginning to suck the life right out of me. I was struggling with how to cope after the death of my son as well as what it meant to me and how his death would define me forever. There were family members and numerous friends (too many to count) that could not or would not grant me the space or the respect to figure this out. I did not understand why they could not offer me their support, after all they were there for me in the past, right? They had been there before when I needed them, what was so different this time?

It was the death of my child that was different. I had changed overnight but they had not. I was not that same person any longer and they wanted the “old” me back. They wanted everything to go back to “normal”. But this was the new me and my life had taken a different path and this was a journey they did not want to take with me. My grief had suddenly shifted from grief for my son to anger towards them and I was going down a very dangerous road. I had veered off my path of grief and was headed down the winding road of hate and rage. My world was spinning out of control and I needed to reclaim it. I realized that my focus needed to be on my son if I was going to move through this grief process in a healthy way. It would have been very easy to shut out everyone. But what I needed to do was to remove any outside forces that were preventing me from my journey.

So began the weeding process. There were the co-workers who would avoid me if they saw me coming their way as if they could “catch” my bad luck like the common cold. On the outside they looked like flowers, but it quickly became apparent that they were indeed weeds. They would be easily plucked from my garden because their roots did not go very deep. It was the weeds that I had ignored for too long that took more energy to pull. Their roots were deep and in some cases were connected to other noxious weeds. Pulling one meant pulling two or more along with it. Those were the seemingly close friends that never called, never offered their support; it was like they disappeared from our life after the memorial service.

But it was the family members that hurt the most. The ones you would expect to be there for you. The verbal attacks and insensitive comments like, “When are you going to move on?”, “Shouldn’t she be over this, it’s been 3 months?”, “She should be grateful she has two living children” (Like one can be swapped out for another!) The last straw for me was when family members questioned my parenting abilities towards my two living children, this only 4 months after Alex’s death. Evidently, I had allowed my children to make faces at the adults and this caused them great pain and disrespect towards them. Hmm…sounds like a great reason to attack my parenting skills.

Initially, the shock of finally removing them from my life stung, but if my garden was going to continue to grow it simply had to be done. I gave myself permission to do this and coupled with that permission was the power I needed to gain control over my life once again.

I continue to weed my garden but it isn’t needed as frequently anymore. I am stronger now and more attentive and am able to pluck any weeds before they even have a chance to touch the soil. I am planting new flowers everyday and watering the ones I have. Every now and again the thunderstorms roll in but I have realized that my garden needs the rain and the sun in order to continue flourishing.





~~ i have this growing , burning desire to start fresh in my life. move away. have a new beginning.please pray for our family as we (hopefully) get closer to this being a possibility.

the whole story. the tragic homebirth of Aquila

i want to say a few things before i start- one is i left out some things from this..things that are in the other birth story. i don't like repeating myself. The other thing is this is only MY version of what happened. i spent thousands of hours thinking about this and how to write it all out. i am trying my hardest to be 100% truthful-but of course i am human and this cannot include the other people at my birth's experiences. other things were for sure going on, but i didn't catch everything (since i was in the worst pain of my life). I have heard certain facts from others at my birth that make it even worse (making the midwife seem even more at fault), but i did not include these. only what i can remember.




The week before: December 10th 2009

i went in the morning to the last bible study meeting of the year. about halfway through i started getting contractions and feeling very cold. i left early, gathered kids and drove us home. i got home and could not make it past the couch, the contractions were bad and i was shivering. i called Gabe, and turned on the TV. i went up to take a hot shower. the hot water ran out after i had been in there for what seemed to be a very short time , but must have been quite long.i turned off the water, but could not stop shaking enough to get a towel. just then Gabe came in the bathroom and wrapped me up in one. i remember my teeth were chattering like crazy.
We called Amy (best friend and doula)who came right over. this started the -fill the tub, bring labor tea, rub back labor support from both of them. Amy took my temp, which was over 102. she called the midwife - Faith Beltz, who came over soon after. By the time Faith got there the contractions had puttered out. She listened to fetal heart tones, which were 190-200. She said this was caused(probably) by the fever, and she wanted to make sure i did not have a bacterial infection. So, she drew blood for a CBC and left to take it in.
four hours later the numbers were in. The numbers were confusing for Faith, so we went into the hospital. they decided i have a virus, not the flu, and that my Keytones were VERY high. this was caused by me getting dehydrated from the fever, and the high keytones where irritating my uterus, causing the contractions. the had me eat and drink , and the doctor offered an induction, which i said no thanks. he smiled and said it was fine with him, i should have a great homebirth.
i spent the next three days in bed recovering.

The Day Before: Dec 18th 2009

i was 3 days overdue and miserable, so i took Castor oil in the morning (2T). This produced it's designed effect , but no contractions, but i was sure i would go into labor that night. I laid a water proof pad on my bed and went to sleep.

Labor: December 19th 2009

midnight on the dot my eyes opened. i thought "why am i awake?". Then a i felt a pop, followed by a gush. I felt so relieved i had put down that pad! i waited for the gushes to subside so i could waddle to the bathroom and grab a pad. I texted Faith and Amy to tell them my water broke.i was having contractions every 5 minutes, and was very excited, so i played on the computer till about 4am. Then i decided that nothing much was happening, so i should try to sleep. surprisingly i fell right asleep and slept in till 6am.
a while after i awoke, i called Faith to check in, and went about my morning.
By 11am contractions are regular and Amy had come over , along with Yoshimi, a hair braider. I bounced on the birth ball while she braided my hair and told me about births in Japan. Amy and i joked.
11:45 am i called Faith to tell her i was getting in the tub because the contractions were too strong for me. we call the photographer Katie jo who comes out to capture the labor and birth.


We also call my dear friend Bethany to watch the children (because they are coming in every few minutes to "check on me")




Faith arrives at 2:15pm . Aquila's heart tones are in the 170's and my temp is almost 101. They all are trying to cool me off with cool cloths and tea. the pain is intense and when i check myself i cannot feel very much cervix. at around 3:45 everyone is out of the room except me and Faith. i pass three chunks into the tub. i pick them up to throw them away. they are blood clots, hard, gelatinous, and about 1-2 TB in size. (Faith records this in her notes as "bloody show")
At this point Aquila's heartones are at or above 180 almost every time, but on the records it shows them as 170's...
Faith checks me, because i am acting and feeling like i must be in transition- INTENSE, almost non-stop contractions, and "pushy" feelings, and retching from the the intensity. I am only 5-6. This is were i lost all calm and got scared. there was no way i could do this, and now Faith was wanting me to get out of the tub to try to cool me down. After getting out i notice i am dripping blood, which i show to Faith. I labor for some time out of the tub, and the contractions don't ever stop. i remember saying "they just don't stop. the won't let go!"

I start SCREAMING with every contraction. i say (at least three times) "i can't do this. i want to go to the hospital. i want an epidural"
~~it is very important to note here that i said this at least ONE HOUR before we tried to transfer. An hour before she died. And in the birth records, Faith repeatedly states that i was refusing to transfer. She NEVER said "transfer" to me.She never said "emergency", or "abruption". This is backed up by the other 3 people at my birth.
Faith was not even in the room for we asking to go- she was gone out of the room for at least 20 minutes, on the phone.
When she gets back she check me on the bed. Still 5-6. When i get up the chux pad is stained the color of vomit. It perplexed me at the time, but later i figured out it was blood and meconium. In the birth records she states it was bloody show and clear fluid. At this point i say " my mom had a baby die from an abruption". Faith says nothing. Finally my husband and doula start dressing me to transfer, while faith is packing her stuff. I realize how very far away the hospital really is...
~~please if reading this because of the tag "homebirth" pay close attention to these words. The hospital was 3 MINUTES from my house. But that means NOTHING when bad bad things are happening and you are in hard labor. it took at least 30 minutes to get to the car. 30 MINUTES. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are safer than you are.
My contractions at this point were what is called Tetonic- never stopping. This is a huge red flag of an abruption. I could not take a step without a contraction. My doula at this point says to Faith, "should we just call EMS? it will be faster than getting her dressed and downstairs?" Faith says no.
I make the most physically painful journey of my like down the hallway, downstairs and out to the car, only to find Faith wants me to go in a different car than her, which at the time made no sense and still does not. why would you leave the laboring woman to drive without a care provider?
As i am trying to climb into Amy's passenger seat i have the urge to go- you know the i am about to push out this baby feeling? i make it back to the living room, where i yell for my son to get off the couch. Bethany herds them upstairs. I don't even get my underwear off (those stretchy, post-birth, throw away ones). She slips out into my hands, completely limp, in a river of blood.


After birth: 5:30 pm December 19th 2009

Faith had packed up all her equipment, so she had nothing to even suction Aquila, so she was sucking blood out with her mouth.she yelled for someone to get her the bulb syringe and call 911. Her and Amy started CPR while i sat on the couch next to Aquila. I held her foot, limp and pale, and rubbed it. It took EMS 12 minutes to get there.
When they came in they took over with Aquila and Faith came and sat in front of me watching the paramedics work. i asked her if she (Aquila) could live after this long. she said "she is not going to make it".
i had strong pains.She asked if it was the placenta. I said yes as i pulled up a clot the size of a placenta (the birth records Say it was a cup sized). then i got pains again and passed the actual placenta. Faith's records say i stopped bleeding after this, but i didn't and she never checked my bleeding. she should have given me pictocin.
~~note here- they DO NOT Carry Pictocin in ambulances (at least the don't in Austin TX). my paramedic also had NO IDEA how to do a uterus massage, so i bled all the way to hospital. I am so very lucky i did not die. A large percentage of mothers hemmorage to death with an abruption bad enough to kill the baby.
Here is my second biggest regret of my life (second only to choosing homebirth with a "hand's off" midwife). the paramedics asked me where we should take Aquila. they suggested Dell children's hospital-saying that they had a better NICU than the hospital 3 minutes away (later to find out this was not true). The said they would take me to Brakenridge, which they said would let Aquila come to me at that hospital- completely untrue..Brack and Dell were about 20 minuted from my house. longer to bleed for me, longer to not be in a hospital for her (though i wish the would have called time of death at my house so i could have just had her with me).
We are put into separate ambulances.Gabe goes with her, Amy with me. When i get to the hospital i end up passing out from blood loss. They do two manual extractions of clots to get my bleeding to slow. I find out after this that she has been declared dead and Gabe is coming to the hospital. Gabe ends up in the ER about an hour after getting there from a migraine (stress) that makes it hard to see. They give him a shot of morphine. At this point i am freaking out because they are saying they cannot bring Aquila's body from the other hospital- the only one who can pick her up is the medical examiner. Apparently, since she died at home they opened an investigation. at this point the med examiner was threatening an autopsy without our consent.i would not even be able to see my baby until days later, possible after being cut up. This is part of m story i have never written, because it is the biggest nightmare. All i wanted was to hold my daughter, see her and tell her goodbye. i never did. At least, not until 3 days later. she was cold and discolored from time. i Spent those 3 days Hyperventilating and sobbing- not because she was dead-i could accept that- but because i could not even see her.
This is first time i saw her, at the funeral home.



so that, that is what my homebirth cost me.

6 months

Wow. 6 months. half a year. a lifetime.

there is no way to make you understand how different one little life , and it's leaving, can alter a person (unless , of course, you have lost a child yourself)

I can barely remember the person i was before Aquila. 6 months later it is easier, and it is harder. The pain is no longer acute, hemorrhaging. But somewhere in the last months it became apparent that this was a pain that was chronic..would be something i will live with forever. Will always keep me from sleep, and make certain activities painful. it will become more and more hidden from everyone but God and me, but no less real.

Today i have the pain of knowing that 6 months ago, you were still alive. you had a chance, baby girl. And i failed, others failed, and now you are gone.
Tomorrow i have the pain of fathers day, and knowing that my relationship with my father is nothing if not more distant than it was this time last year. And the following day i have the pain of looking in the eye the woman whose mistakes cost me my child.

answers

ok, answers to our questions---

names:
i have been working for a few months on names, before we even got pregnant. i finally showed my list to hubby this week. he didn't like ANY of them! wah :( so we bouncing names back and forth, like ping pong players. i have not decided if i want to tell everyone what we pick before she is born or not...

Hair Braiding:
in September of last year i went to Renaissance Fest. i have really, really long hair (past my butt), and can never find comfortable ways to keep it up off my neck. When ever i happen to go somewhere there is a hair braider, i get it braided. That time i was pregnant and could not help thinking how great it would be to have my hair up in braids (OFF MY NECK) during labor, and also look pretty (instead of the frazzled mess it is in my other birth photos). So when we came back to Austin my husband found a local gal who braids.
she had to come out a few times (due to my many bouts of false labor), but she was very affordable and each time the braids lasted a good 3-6 days.
I had her come out one more time the day of the funeral. i wanted my hair to be beautiful for my daughter. then when i came home i took it down and covered my hair. i did not uncover it in front of anyone (even my kids) for 6 weeks.
here are pictures





Views on homebirth:

ahh that is a tough one! Yes, my views are totally different now. totally. I had three homebirths, one ended in dead baby, who would have lived in the hospital. it turned out like Russian roulette for me. the third time i lost. When i post my full birth story you will see way more about it, but if considering a homebirth-keep these things in mind.
-How compintent is your midwife- really? anyone can deliver a baby when things are going right, it really is not that hard. But, what about when things go really, REALLY wrong? How assured in her skills is she? how many births has she been to? Ob's have seen THOUSANDS, not a few hundrend. for my particular complication-placental abruption - it only happens in 1 out of 200 births. it takes a lot of experience to recognize and act swiflty in an emergency.
- How far away is the hospital- really?
mine was 3 minutes away, yet once we started to go, to getting to the car took 30 minutes. traveling while having nonstop contractions is not fast going. neither is traveling while hemorrhaging, having a baby's head out, but shoulders stuck, having a baby's whole body delivered but head trapped. The reasons you would need a hospital are not the situations in which you have time, and they are not situations which make it easy to do something fast.
and lets talk hemorrhaging. did you know you can bleed to death in 8 minutes? a shot of pictocin in your leg, or some shepards purse is not going to do it. my hemorrhage, although not as bad as it could have been, required IV Pictocin, Methergin (sp?), and manual extractions of clots (none of which a midwife could have done). But hemorrhages can be worse, much worse.like they have to take out your uterus in a crash c-section worse..or you might just die. And , don't count on the EMS to save you. the EMS who came to us did not carry even pictocin, and had NO IDEA how to even massage a uterus, much less manage my bleeding in any other way.

So, i no longer "trust birth". and i really hope that people who read or hear my story think very long and hard about where and with whom they choose to birth.

on a side note, i am still all for midwives (working with OBs) in the hospital. Kiryn was delivered in the hospital with a midwife. the reason i switched to homebirths is that the hospitals here stopped having midwives in them (all of them).

deleted

lurkers check in time :)i have

noticed quite a few hits where people are spending a good deal of time on here, reading several pages, but not leaving any comments. who are you ? curiosity killed the Liz....fill me in!
let me know where you found my blog and if you are a regular reader please :)

and while we are at it- does anyone have any questions? i would love to have an answer question post!

-if they are questions about Aquila's birth, please hold off. i am working on composing a full, detailed birth story- but i am waiting till after the review board for the midwife who "delivered" Aquila. so by the end of the month i am hoping to have it up.

a daughter

well- it is official. It's a girl! i am very excited to be expecting another daughter. I just pray that it is God's will for me to hold this one , and that she grows strong and healthy.
for now i will just enjoy each flutter and rest in that.