Angie over at still lifew with circles and also still life 365 has come up with another amazing prompt. i want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for this spoken blog round up. hearing the voices and seeing the faces of these woman whose blogs i have been reading for so long was monumentally moving. i hope mine contribution can measure up.
here is my video
Showing posts with label `grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label `grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
right where i am project : one year, 5 months
Angie , over at still life created this project. For grieving mothers to talk about where they are in their grief now. Because grief does not ' go away'. people like to say it "gets better over time". maybe it does with the loss of a grandma or a dog. But the loss of a baby does not go away. it does change though.
i am certainly in a different place now than last year, or even last month. My grief ebbs and flows it changes daily.
angie said
"I have read about this happening to other people. I remember from my early days reading about it with people years out. When their real life peeps into their online diary, and then have things held against them. They went private or password protected or went anonymous with a new blog name. I don't know how to deal with it, because I never thought I would care or not be able to just ask someone if they were reading my blog. I don't want to ask now and draw attention to my blog, and on the other hand, it feels like a violation if someone is reading about my emotions on a day to day basis. And that is just it. In the beginning, I didn't care if people read because I knew that grief was trumping everything. Now that people expect me to be normal again, I can't quite figure out why I ever thought telling anyone about my blog was like a good idea. And yet, I have come to rely on this space. So, that is the awkward grief place I am at now. I don't mind if people in my day to day life comment, or let me know they are reading, it is the awkward place of me not knowing what everyone knows. If they read here, they know way more about me and my weird hiccups in life than I know about theirs. It feel unsafe sometimes. It makes it sound like I dwell in grief, but this is the place I process that part of my life. And it is so important, I can't give it up. Blogging is strange, because the temporary feelings become permanent, and little dalliances with the annoying take on the gravitas of epic angers. Nothing is ever permanent with emotions. Nothing, except people can pull up a specific blog post and say, "But you feel like this.""
and what she said there is so how i feel (i bolded the points that really hit the nail on the head). Grief is such hard, dirty work. there are several people in my life (many who are actually family) who have taken what i write on here and stabbed me with it later...or taken my words and silently judged me..or gossiped about me with other people in the family. what i have to say to those people is ' shame on you.' it is so blatantly obvious that you have never been through anything resembling what my family has been through. If you had you would never take my words here and twist them or use them as weapons.
Why is it our society at large says the only way to acceptably grieve is quietly, alone, or with your therapist? Other than that, any negative emotions must equate to mental instability. Well, i have news for you---- this is dirty , real work i am doing.it is not pretty. i refuse to pretend to be pretty to appease your discomfort. What happened to Aquila was wrong. i have every right to be sad..to be mad... to be indignant at the whole mess. i was robbed. i was cheated. i am mad. i am STILL MAD.
But that in no way means i don't love my kids, or my husband.,,that we don't laugh or play.. that life does not go on.
So where am i right now?
i am coping. i cope by keeping busy. when a still moment comes i feel myself suffocated with self-pity. so i keep those moments as rare as possible. i focus on others instead of me. We have two extra (very time consuming children) here in the house. i find that keeps my sorrow put away. I just have less time to wallow..to picture the little dark haired impish girl running through the house. Even typing this opens the floodgates. so, that is why i still blog...even after all the crap thrown at me for it...i blog to be near her. this is the little compartment she fits in.
please: if you do know me in real life, and you read this- say something. just hello, i read at least...
i am certainly in a different place now than last year, or even last month. My grief ebbs and flows it changes daily.
angie said
"I have read about this happening to other people. I remember from my early days reading about it with people years out. When their real life peeps into their online diary, and then have things held against them. They went private or password protected or went anonymous with a new blog name. I don't know how to deal with it, because I never thought I would care or not be able to just ask someone if they were reading my blog. I don't want to ask now and draw attention to my blog, and on the other hand, it feels like a violation if someone is reading about my emotions on a day to day basis. And that is just it. In the beginning, I didn't care if people read because I knew that grief was trumping everything. Now that people expect me to be normal again, I can't quite figure out why I ever thought telling anyone about my blog was like a good idea. And yet, I have come to rely on this space. So, that is the awkward grief place I am at now. I don't mind if people in my day to day life comment, or let me know they are reading, it is the awkward place of me not knowing what everyone knows. If they read here, they know way more about me and my weird hiccups in life than I know about theirs. It feel unsafe sometimes. It makes it sound like I dwell in grief, but this is the place I process that part of my life. And it is so important, I can't give it up. Blogging is strange, because the temporary feelings become permanent, and little dalliances with the annoying take on the gravitas of epic angers. Nothing is ever permanent with emotions. Nothing, except people can pull up a specific blog post and say, "But you feel like this.""
and what she said there is so how i feel (i bolded the points that really hit the nail on the head). Grief is such hard, dirty work. there are several people in my life (many who are actually family) who have taken what i write on here and stabbed me with it later...or taken my words and silently judged me..or gossiped about me with other people in the family. what i have to say to those people is ' shame on you.' it is so blatantly obvious that you have never been through anything resembling what my family has been through. If you had you would never take my words here and twist them or use them as weapons.
Why is it our society at large says the only way to acceptably grieve is quietly, alone, or with your therapist? Other than that, any negative emotions must equate to mental instability. Well, i have news for you---- this is dirty , real work i am doing.it is not pretty. i refuse to pretend to be pretty to appease your discomfort. What happened to Aquila was wrong. i have every right to be sad..to be mad... to be indignant at the whole mess. i was robbed. i was cheated. i am mad. i am STILL MAD.
But that in no way means i don't love my kids, or my husband.,,that we don't laugh or play.. that life does not go on.
So where am i right now?
i am coping. i cope by keeping busy. when a still moment comes i feel myself suffocated with self-pity. so i keep those moments as rare as possible. i focus on others instead of me. We have two extra (very time consuming children) here in the house. i find that keeps my sorrow put away. I just have less time to wallow..to picture the little dark haired impish girl running through the house. Even typing this opens the floodgates. so, that is why i still blog...even after all the crap thrown at me for it...i blog to be near her. this is the little compartment she fits in.
please: if you do know me in real life, and you read this- say something. just hello, i read at least...
Sunday, April 10, 2011
the further out
the further out i get from Aquila's death, the more my grief becomes hidden. i talked with a woman at church today about Aquila, and she talked about her miscarriage.
she was crying, i was not.
what is wrong with me that i can discuss my daughter's death and not cry??? but then, some random thing sets me off? This poor woman must have thought i am batty or made of stone.
I miss my baby girl so much, every day....i just don't want to share her with everyone i meet anymore..like her story is just too tragic. there are not any happy times, or wonderful memories. She died before i met her. Someone i loved and trusted completely failed me and failed at the job i entrusted her. I couldn't even hold my daughter for days. i never saw what she looked like before death changed her.
she was crying, i was not.
what is wrong with me that i can discuss my daughter's death and not cry??? but then, some random thing sets me off? This poor woman must have thought i am batty or made of stone.
I miss my baby girl so much, every day....i just don't want to share her with everyone i meet anymore..like her story is just too tragic. there are not any happy times, or wonderful memories. She died before i met her. Someone i loved and trusted completely failed me and failed at the job i entrusted her. I couldn't even hold my daughter for days. i never saw what she looked like before death changed her.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
your childs grief
their sorrows the webbing that entraps you
like a thrashing fish. That when your child grieves, mother,
you bend and grieve.
Alicia Suskin Ostriker
that line kept replaying over and over in my head tonight, while i held Lucca in my arms. She was sobbing in grief over her lost cat. And i was quietly crying over my inability to fix things for her. My simple inability to make her pain go away.
Lucca has had to grieve far too many things in her short 6 years. It all started with a guinea pig.
See, Lucca has always been the kindest and gentlest child i have ever known. At two she never fought over toys with other children. Never hit, or called names. She was always kind to her baby brother , born when she was 2 1/2. I know if a baby is within her radar she will be like a moth to a light. She wants to nurture, to love. It just seeps from her. So, when she was 4 years old i decided to get her her own pet. I knew she would do wonderfully. So we researched and came to the conclusion a guinea pig would be best. We got a baby girl, and Lucca named her Pollyanna. Lucca was wonderfully sweet with her dear pet. She fed her, watered her, and held her so very gently. However, as small pets sometimes do, Pollyanna succumbed to some unknown malady and went to guinea pig heaven.
At first Lucca didn't get it. she was interested in the whole burial thing. But about two days after it hit her-
Grief
From her room, long after she had been put to bed i heard a plaintive sound. My daughter was moaning. i went in fast, thinking she was hurt. She was hurting , but not in the sense i had imagined. She choked out that she missed Pollyanna. We talked, she cried and repeated this night after night.
Then after about a month, when the nightly crying had lessened to a few times a week, we decided on a second try. We were not going to attempt another small caged animal. This time we opted for something we knew well, a kitten. We had two other cats (niether particurlary fond of children). The kitten we got was a ragdoll, siamese mix. The most beautiful kitten i had ever seen, and Lucca was in love.
Lucca named her Tinkerbell, and that cat really was hers. She was completely uninterested in anyone but Lucca. She slept in her bed every night, and let Lucca carry her all over the house.
Then December of 2009 came and Lucca would face a side of death that most children will not.
She met her sister for the first time in a viewing room at the funeral home.
Aquila was her baby. I say that because before i even told anyone i was expecting she walked up to me and told me she had prayed for God to give her a baby sister for Christmas. I knew at the time i was due for a Christmas baby, but did not yet know it was a girl. We talked about the baby to come every single night for the next 8 months.When we lost Aquila all of Lucca's hopes and dreams were dashed right alongside mine.
She cried in my arms during the funeral like i never knew a child could cry...like i never want to hear again in my life.I could feel my heart being ripped from my body with each wail. It was one of the top worst moments in my life, to know and feel my child hurting like that.And i could do nothing.
For many many nights we would read books about babies that died because she wanted to read those. She would cry at night, as would i.
Then two months after burying my daughter, our sweet basset hound Bertha became very ill. The vet said anything we could do would be extremely expensive and most likely would not save her. So, for kindness sake, we had her put to sleep. I felt like such a traitor, leaving her there. And having to explain what happened to the children. And Lucca, oh my darling girl. She would start crying hours after bed. First it would be sobs for Bertha , then it would move back to pollyanna. She would no longer say Aquila's name, but we both knew she was in those sobs too...
And now Lucca has another reason for tears.
Over the Christmas break, Tinkerbell vanished. We are pretty sure she was stolen, but don't know for sure. But, little does that matter, because tonight it sunk into Lucca that Tinkerbell is probably not coming back. Lucca has LOST again. And tonight when she sobbed i had no words. I am all out of words to try to make it better. All i could do is hold her and cry. Because it does suck. it is not fair.
like a thrashing fish. That when your child grieves, mother,
you bend and grieve.
Alicia Suskin Ostriker
that line kept replaying over and over in my head tonight, while i held Lucca in my arms. She was sobbing in grief over her lost cat. And i was quietly crying over my inability to fix things for her. My simple inability to make her pain go away.
Lucca has had to grieve far too many things in her short 6 years. It all started with a guinea pig.
See, Lucca has always been the kindest and gentlest child i have ever known. At two she never fought over toys with other children. Never hit, or called names. She was always kind to her baby brother , born when she was 2 1/2. I know if a baby is within her radar she will be like a moth to a light. She wants to nurture, to love. It just seeps from her. So, when she was 4 years old i decided to get her her own pet. I knew she would do wonderfully. So we researched and came to the conclusion a guinea pig would be best. We got a baby girl, and Lucca named her Pollyanna. Lucca was wonderfully sweet with her dear pet. She fed her, watered her, and held her so very gently. However, as small pets sometimes do, Pollyanna succumbed to some unknown malady and went to guinea pig heaven.
At first Lucca didn't get it. she was interested in the whole burial thing. But about two days after it hit her-
Grief
From her room, long after she had been put to bed i heard a plaintive sound. My daughter was moaning. i went in fast, thinking she was hurt. She was hurting , but not in the sense i had imagined. She choked out that she missed Pollyanna. We talked, she cried and repeated this night after night.
Then after about a month, when the nightly crying had lessened to a few times a week, we decided on a second try. We were not going to attempt another small caged animal. This time we opted for something we knew well, a kitten. We had two other cats (niether particurlary fond of children). The kitten we got was a ragdoll, siamese mix. The most beautiful kitten i had ever seen, and Lucca was in love.
Lucca named her Tinkerbell, and that cat really was hers. She was completely uninterested in anyone but Lucca. She slept in her bed every night, and let Lucca carry her all over the house.
Then December of 2009 came and Lucca would face a side of death that most children will not.
She met her sister for the first time in a viewing room at the funeral home.
Aquila was her baby. I say that because before i even told anyone i was expecting she walked up to me and told me she had prayed for God to give her a baby sister for Christmas. I knew at the time i was due for a Christmas baby, but did not yet know it was a girl. We talked about the baby to come every single night for the next 8 months.When we lost Aquila all of Lucca's hopes and dreams were dashed right alongside mine.
She cried in my arms during the funeral like i never knew a child could cry...like i never want to hear again in my life.I could feel my heart being ripped from my body with each wail. It was one of the top worst moments in my life, to know and feel my child hurting like that.And i could do nothing.
For many many nights we would read books about babies that died because she wanted to read those. She would cry at night, as would i.
Then two months after burying my daughter, our sweet basset hound Bertha became very ill. The vet said anything we could do would be extremely expensive and most likely would not save her. So, for kindness sake, we had her put to sleep. I felt like such a traitor, leaving her there. And having to explain what happened to the children. And Lucca, oh my darling girl. She would start crying hours after bed. First it would be sobs for Bertha , then it would move back to pollyanna. She would no longer say Aquila's name, but we both knew she was in those sobs too...
And now Lucca has another reason for tears.
Over the Christmas break, Tinkerbell vanished. We are pretty sure she was stolen, but don't know for sure. But, little does that matter, because tonight it sunk into Lucca that Tinkerbell is probably not coming back. Lucca has LOST again. And tonight when she sobbed i had no words. I am all out of words to try to make it better. All i could do is hold her and cry. Because it does suck. it is not fair.
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