maybe getting somewhere

i have been working my butt off to get records so i can put together all the pieces, and take it one step further. it looks like i will be getting a tape of the hearing- which i would love to share some of the tidbits to it to all of you- i just want to make sure i get every word right.

meanwhile i have figured out why most mamas who lose there baby due to a " homebirth death " don't do all this... why they just try to forget..even when it was clearly an avoidable death.
oh, and i am preparing myself for the flames that may follow from this post...

1. when a woman plans a homebirth, she is surrounded by a community-whether it be online or ITRW or both- who fully believe in and support the ideologies of homebirth. When her baby dies, she is told it would have died in a hospital too. i have been told this more times than can count. If she dares to question this- she must prepare for backlash. At the review hearing for my midwife (to which i filed the complaint to open the investigation) the room was full of her supporters. they did not speak to me, only glared-even people i knew. these people actually BOOed and shouted when the board handed her a $500 fine. it was beyond humiliating. i have lost friends, and facebook friends, and family. i found out i am THE ONLY mom to show up to one of these! However, i am not the only mom to lose their baby to a midwife mess up...

2. In order to wrap your head around the fact that your baby could have lived you have to realize someone you have had a very close relationship with (midwife) could be at fault. This is very hard, much easier to pretend like "it was meant to be". Having to fully process everything about my birth has been the most difficult journeys of my life. Frankly, most people are not emotionally strong enough - especially after losing a baby.

3. woman who chose a homebirth, especially ones who chose it in spite of know risk factors (breech, twins ect) are going to be too busy blaming themselves and their choices to look at their care provider. Either that, or they have accepted the risk and the outcome that came from accepting that risk and they have settled it with the thought that" i knew this could happen. I made my choice"

reborns

okay, so if you have yet to introduced to the world of reborns, just google it. Basically, it is the art of creating baby dolls that look and feel as much like real newborns as possible. i have been drawn to these, but with ebay auctions in the hundreds (up to 900!) i simply don't have that kind of cash for a doll (who does??). anyhow. i have this old vinyl doll from my childhood who had seen better days and needed a new body anyhow. i thought, well what the heck, lets experiment! so i bought supplies (cause i do apparently have money to spend on any art project )(from my fund labeled "therapy! lol), and set to work. this baby i gave to Lucca, who has since never left her alone. she even sleeps with her. i think this is very healing for her.






then after learning alot from my mistakes with that one, i bought a vinyl kit and set to work on this one.

some pieces of art i have been working on

both pieces are in polymer clay. i am really enjoying this medium.

2 months gone

my dearest Aquila-
you should be turning two months old today. i had to look online to see what you should be doing, because i still picture you are a newborn, frozen in time..well i guess you are..

What’s It Like To Be Two Months Old?
My head is a little wobbly when I am propped up. Put your hand
behind my neck and head for support.
I can hold my head up for a few seconds when I’m on my stomach.
I hold onto things for a little while.
I move my arms and legs. I "bicycle" with my feet when I get excited.
I gurgle, laugh and smile when I am happy.
I cry when I am hungry, scared or uncomfortable.
I am aware of different voices and people.
I stay awake during the day. But I usually take naps throughout the day.
I make cooing sounds.
I begin to stare at my hands.
I follow you with my eyes to watch you move around.
I stare at people and at things.
I smile at other people, not just at my mother.
I quiet down when I suck my fingers, a bottle or a pacifier.


then i got really weird and did an image search for two month old babies. i found this picture and it broke my heart because it look so much like you and Lucca should look. that should be you grinning. i miss you so much.


and then there is this video. that should be you and your daddy!

two months has been so completely LONG. i have aged years for sure. how could someone so little leave such a big hole??????

So, i have not written in a few days- mostly because i feel like i have nothing to say- but, i convinced myself that since it is 8:10 am and no one but me is awake in the house, i need to take this time and use it!

the fostering front-
We met with the lady from our new agency two nights ago. she is just wonderful, truly a gift from God. i had said i was never going to take another placement from LSSS , but after Aquila died i just wanted the easiest thing. but God had other plans...so LSSS denied me , which forced me into interviewing other agencies. and now i have found a better match for our family BY FAR. i felt so much peace after the first phone conversation with them. i knew this is where we are supposed to be right now. i have also heard through the grapevine that placements are picking up , so i actually have a shot at getting a baby. the thought of have a sweet baby to care for makes my heart sing right now. what a gift that would be!
so, she told us we should have our license by this friday, so pray for us to get the placement that God wants here as soon as possible!

on the healing front-
we have been going to this grief group for parents who have lost children and it has been so healing. there are two other mamas there who lost babies (both around 6 months old).it is so refreshing to have a conversation with someone who understands. although, my heart breaks for them. this is the club no one wants to join, and no one wants more members to be added, but we still welcome them with open arms- IYKWIM
i also met one of tristan's friend's mother who recently lost a child to stillbirth. again it was the feeling of relief that i could talk to someone who gets it. i don't have to feel like a burden, or a downer. i know it doesn't bother these mamas, because i know i am hungry to hear their stories too.

on the art front-
my newest media has been polymer clay. i have been making babies, which is so engrossing and hands on, i love it. here is one of my babies (i am slowly getting better)

remembrance jewelry

this is from the vintage pearl


from here Betsy's love a necklace hand blown to encase a lock of Aquila's hair

also, the ladies at my bible study gave me a beautiful James Avery necklace that has Aquila's initials and says on the back "you are always in my heart" but i don't have a picture of it yet

no it's SERVING to heal

the lady at our agency who told me she wouldn't let us foster because she "didn't want me to use a baby to heal" had it all twisted.

I want to serve! because truly, the best way, God's way of healing us is through the service he calls us to do. when our minds stop focusing on ourselves and our problems, and instead we develop God's heart he restores us.

i want to serve.

so we have been hunting for a new agency, and i am so excited to tell you we found a perfect fit this afternoon! so we have to go through the (hopefully) short, simple process of switching agencies and updating our homestudy- and then we can wait to see what God is going to do!!