Sad birthday--posted late due to lack of internet

Happy (sad) birthday my little love, Aquila. Mommy misses you with a deep and aching pain. i try to imagine your impish little 2 year old self bouncing through this small farmhouse house that smells of woodsmoke.... but even my imagination is fleeting. i wonder what you would think of the green moss covering the trees...if you would enjoying making dough ornaments with your sisters... if you would be chasing after the kitties... i wonder so many more things about you than i know. i knew you for such a short time- and yet here i will pine for you the rest of my life. how unfair it all is Aquila....
i am posting this today, on the two year anniversary of the day i laid you in the ground.

still life: spoken word blog round up

Angie over at still lifew with circles and also still life 365 has come up with another amazing prompt. i want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for this spoken blog round up. hearing the voices and seeing the faces of these woman whose blogs i have been reading for so long was monumentally moving. i hope mine contribution can measure up.
here is my video

time and grief

time marches on. the days pass. when your baby dies-you are sure that time will stop- should't it stop? Shouldn't the world cease it joyful spinning,if only for a day, a week, a year?
you cannot fathom 2 years away. time without her too terrible to contemplate.

yet- the weeks creep by,pages relentlessly turn.

i am left with so much more of missing Aquila than i ever had of simply loving her. all the time i had to get to know her was hidden under my flesh her near my heart.It seems like, on days like these, she was just figment of my imagination- a private dream. She doesn't matter to the world anymore. To most she is merely something i should have gotten over by now. something that i am just stubbornly refusing to let go of.
No one says her name, hardly even me. I want to have her be part of normal conversations, but it so pains almost any audience- that whatever normalcy i tried for falls flat and heavy on the floor.

as my chaos slows after the move, i am left with deep and heavy sorrow. i miss her so much. How many ways can i say it? There should be a million words to describe the many ways that grief feels..like snow for Inuits.

the move

We sold 3/4 of all our possessions. We packed everything we owned into one large POD and one small cargo trailer. Then, we loaded up 6 kids and 6 pets and said goodbye to the house where Aquila died. I honestly can't say i will miss it one bit. I will however, miss several good friends in Austin.
On Monday night we filled up a local BBQ place with our friends. It was bitter sweet- seeing them, and also knowing i would not see them again in one place like that.
Goodbye Austin. Farewell to the stain of Faith Beltz and Centrevida that cling to the city like skunk spray. Farewell to 110 degree days.

I am on to greener, cooler pastures, and new adventures. I am working on a series of projects that i will reveal as they become more presentable.

of course, it's like the old phrase- where ever you go, there you are--- except for us it is ' where ever we go, there she is not '
i miss her so much

happy Mother's day

another day without my baby girl Aquila. Last year, without a baby in my arms, church was torture. this morning, i look forward to praising god for the one i will be holding.

But, i will still be missing my forever baby.....

The reform homebirth needs

Sebastian, at birth Oct 2006


well after living my life for the last year and two months i have been hard pressed to re examine many things that i held as facts. Death challenged many "facts" i thought i knew, and rocked me to my core. In the rubble left i have been carefully and painstakingly reconstructing something of worth from the pieces. i want, i need my daughter's name to matter. i need the world to change in some way because of her.
i know without a shadow of a doubt Aquila would be alive had i chosen a hospital birth from the beginning with her. i am pretty sure that my daughter would also be alive had i chosen a better educated, more competent midwife, and had thus transferred in a timely matter.
I cannot change the past however... i can only attempt to change the future. I believe that homebirth in America needs a serious revamp. Homebirth is not going anywhere. even though many people seem to think i want it to go away, they would be wrong. i do not. i fully grasp what is good and what potential for benefit lies in midwifery care and even in homebirth.
BUT
first off , until some major changes happen people need real information on what is up with the midwifery system, and what risks there are in homebirth. they need to know that study after study shows that homebirth has 3 times the neonatal death rate
here
over hospital birth. They need to know that homebirth should only be for low-risk woman - Currently every midwife i know will take a woman carrying twins and breeches, moms with histories of shoulder dystocia, diabetes, pre-eclampsia, GBS positive etc, etc, etc......
People need to understand that a CPM is nothing close to a CNM in training and skills.

I think ultimately we need three things-
#1 to create a uniform, nation wide standard for what is a midwife , what they can and can not do and how they must be governed.
#2 to abolish the title of CPM and have only midwives with a CMN or like degree.
#3 to integrate midwifery care into the health care system by covering midwifery care on all insurances (like Florida), and on Medicaid. But in the same token- require midwives to be just as well trained and as responsible as other providers who are- by upping the training to CNM level and by requiring malpractice insurance (also like Florida).


as i tell my children , if you want to be treated like an adult (professional), then act like one

some of you are now saying, 'why malpractice insurance?'
and some of are even saying things like this " malpractice insurance requirements will run midwives out of business and cause unnecessary lawsuits!"
really?
i guess you have never met a baby with extensive brain damage caused by a providers negligence...i have.
why should the parents have to pay what they in no way can afford so that midwives can practice without any liability?
because, sure a parent could try to sue a midwife with no insurance...but good luck finding a lawyer..and if she does? well the lawsuit will never get paid out, so the parent will still not get the money needed to care for the damaged child. how fair is that? you say that a midwife should not have to pay to protect her clients? don't most small business carry liability insurance? Aren't you and i and every other driver legally required to carry driver insurance?
If malpractice insurance runs midwives and home births out of business, than why is Florida's homebirth/midwifery community still alive and kicking?
Florida law requires all midwives to carry a certain level of liability insurance.
Florida law also requires all insurance providers to cover homebirth.
sounds like a win for both 'sides" doesn't it?


what do you think?

conclusion

sorry for the late update. i wish i had more to tell you. The board did not "re-hear" Faith's case. They mearly signed off on it.
i was however able to tell the board, especially Sylyna that i did not appritiate the way was i was treated in June.

here are the audio recordings from both the june and september meeting, and transcripts for the first half of the june meeting.


some of my "favorite" quotes include

"Faith: Well, I think what I'd like to just say first is I was surprised when your baby passed.... I did not know that the baby was in that immediate of a danger. Because of the signs we were seeing, I did not think the baby was in immediate danger. Otherwise, of course I definitely would've been acting quicker."

"Janet: I wish that there was a clear-cut answer for you, because I know that would really help the grieving process for you. But sometimes we just will never know for certain. We are looking at these issues, and we do agree with you, they should have been picked up sooner. But I wish I could tell you that would have made a difference. I don't know. Because babies die in the hospital with chorioamnionitis too.


: liz: That excuse is not really going to work here, because at least she'd have had a fighting chance. The big difference, when I'm walking around and having people blame me for the birth of my child...

Janet: This was not your fault, okay? It was not your fault. It was not.

Thalia: Where I live, east Texas, there's a family. They have nine children. They just had their ninth one, and the mother died [unintelligible] chorioamnionitis [unintelligible], and she was having a hospital birth. She had a hospital birth.

Janet: And it happens. I mean, infections happen all over the place, and it's just almost impossible to really pinpoint when, where, and how. And I realize it's probably little comfort for you, because you still are a mother without a baby in your arms, and we really are sorry for that.

Sylyna: Any other questions? Do you have anything you want to ask us? [unintelligible] suggestions.

Thalia: The first thing I'd like to say is that there's nothing that we can say or do that or that we can ask Faith to say or do [unintelligible] in any way bring back your baby.

Liz: I didn't come here for that."

"Faith: If I noted contractions, and I noted what the baby's heart tones...

Janet: No, Faith, listen to me. Listen to me. You did not come in and do a blood pressure, a pulse, a temperature, a respiration. You did heart tones. You didn't do a vaginal exam, you didn't note whether the baby was active or not, especially with those heart tones. You did not do an initial assessment. You did not. And that really is an issue, because you didn't do one."

unfortunately i do not have the other half transcribed yet. but if you listen to it you will here them tel me i cant bring back my baby again...tell Faith "we know you are a good midwife". you will here them say "we are saying that" when i say " no one is saying faith really screwed up"...among many other things.
after reading through that you will see Faith got "probated suspension' for 6 months.meaning she still can practice, but with stipulations. the stipulations were- not attending births alone (for 6 months), and she must go to a talk with another midwife about Chorio, and she must turn in 10 birth records.

and here was Faith's comment on her youtube channel to the comments made by others about Aquila's birth:
" This is Faith, the midwife being talked about here. I have just returned from Africa where even there I continued to assist in safe deliveries. I have attended hundreds of deliveries and work with another very safe and skilled midwife at CentreVida. The story that this family is telling of the birth is not true. This mother did not head my advice throughout both of the pregnancies and births I assisted her with. I pray one day she will make peace with her decisions. "

she has since deleted the comment. Nice huh, how now she blames me for "my decisions" killing my daughter, when she herself said on public record that " she did not think my baby was in immediate danger"...

it's about daily forgiveness.... because it is daily and forever grieving.


so, i feel i have done what i can do about Faith..now i have bigger fish to fry. Many people read my blog who are not "in my corner" , so i will not be publicly discussing my moves. i don't want a backlash burying the hard work i am doing. But suffice it to say, Aquila will not be forgotten.


lurkers who are supportive, why don't you say hello here in my comments? i love a good comment!

aquila's video

here is the version without the bugs!

one year gone,

of course today should be filled with laughter and a cake and presents....but instead we will go to a grave stone to lay new flowers and release balloons..

All i can think about is how i chose homebirth, i chose Faith Beltz, and i gave my daughter death. i never had the desire for a time machine until Aquila's death. I would give anything to be able to go back and pick the other midwife(CNM) i interviewed... to say yes when the OB at the hospital (a week before she was born) offered to induce me...to have insisted Faith call 911 instead of trying to put me in the car...
so many regrets.

Today will be the first day Willow will visit her sister's grave.

Happy birthday up in Heaven , baby girl.

it's the most wonderful time of the year...except for me

Christmas songs are playing all around. This is season no one can avoid. And before Aquila i would not have a minded a bit. i loved Christmas. Loved everything about it. But now as the music creeps into every space and the red and green decorations coat the landscape i find my self constantly choking back tears, and wanting it to go away. I don't want to re-live last year. Don't want to remember burying my daughter 2 days before Christmas. Going through the motions like a zombie for the kids.
Where is my little girl who should be toddling around in her red velvet dress? Why is she not pulling ornaments off the tree? Ripping paper off the presents? I am not ready to celebrate a year of life without Aquila. What celebration is that? To celebrate the light the world lost?
I know that we should be celebrating the life of Jesus, which was given to all of us on Christmas, but i am stuck in remembering my daughter covered in blood.

loving Willow, missing Aquila

How does Willow fit into my grief for Aquila?

When Willow was first born I was so afraid of losing her that that was ALL i could focus on. Then as her NICU stay turned into a "grower/feeder" stay, my focus was on breastfeeding. I found bunches of resistance in the NICU (aside from one doctor and a small handful of the nurses and the LC )to me being there almost 24/7 and to my wanting Willow to leave fully breastfeeding. I found out later the nurses were giving me a hard time (and it wasn't all in my head) because of this blog. they had all been reading it and decided basically that i was nuts over the loss of Aquila. But they were so wrong. i would have been just as "annoying" if it had been any of my babies in that NICU. Breastfeeding is very important to me. I could care less if someone else wants to breastfeed their baby-that's none of my concern- but as for me and mine, we like the boob. And, the way i saw it, Willow should have still been in my tummy, so she needed me their to hold her as much as humanly possible. I kept saying- "we are a dyad..we need each other.."
So i had very little time for grieving Aquila, as mostly i was trying to be there 100% for Willow.
i did, however, find myself terribly angry (again) with Faith Beltz. See, the infection that made Willow come early and almost die was the very same bacteria that contributed to Aquila's death. See with Aquila i had a fever in labor. Faith said nothing to the hospital when i was admitted after delivery. Had she said something about the fever, they would have given me IV antibiotics. Later the coroner said Aquila had a Chorio infection, which Faith should have know BEFORE the abruption began. quotes from here :

"Symptoms of chorioamnionitis include fever and tenderness in the uterus. The baby may show signs of infection, such as a fever or a higher-than-normal heart rate.


Symptoms may include:

*
Fever

*
Significant maternal tachycardia

*
Fetal tachycardia

*
Tender or painful uterus

*
A foul odor of the amniotic fluid

*
Maternal leukocytosis
"
"Chorioamnionitis may initiate uteroplacental bleeding or a placental abruption."

According to my OB from Willow's pregnancy this is what happened=
The bacteria that caused the chorio (which likely caused the abruption) was never treated with antibiotics. it continued to live in my uterus, but was kept fairly in check by my strong immune system. however, the week before Willow was born i got the nasty virus that put me in the hospital. that virus lowered my immune system-helping the bacteria to gear up for an attack-which it did.

So, thanks to my midwife's incompetent care i not only lost a baby, but almost lost another one, and was subjected (as was Willow) to a horribly stressful NICU experience. And it was during this stressful NICU stay that Faith slapped me in the face by saying i refused to transfer (complete lie) at the second board meeting - see this post.
so, yeah, Angry does not begin to cover it.

But there was the sweetness of holding Willow all those hours..i needed that..it was what i had yearned for for months. i would try holding other babies, try stroking thier hair to see if it felt like Aquila's, but none ever did..none ever gave me that which i needed so badly...but Willow was mine, my sweet smelling, sliky haired baby. It's like a line from my favorite poem
Propaganda poem: maybe for some young mamas by Alicia Suskin Ostriker

"oh young mamas
no matter what your age is you
are born when you give birth
to a baby you start over
one animal
and both gently just slightly
separated from each other
swaying, swinging
like a vine, like an oriole nest
keep returning to each other
like a little tide, like a little wave
for a little while
better than sex, that bitter honey, maybe
could be the connection you’ve been waiting for
because no man is god, no woman is a goddess
we are all of us spoiled by that time
but a baby
any baby
your baby
is the most perfect human thing you can ever touch
translucent
and I want you to think about touching
and the pleasure of touching
and being touched by this most perfect thing
this pear tree blossom"

I cry mostly at night, when Willow is snuggled by my side, and i am stroking her hair. Because, then i can almost picture Aquila in my arms. Seeing the things Willow does makes me sad for the things Aquila was not able to do... I think it is good that Willow does not look very much like Aquila, because i would not want the moments of flooding grief to catch me unawares.

how the CPMs (lay midwives) made fools of themselves yesterday

first off i am sorry if you are a CPM and not a fool- there are plenty out there. But unfortunately for you you profession is riddled with childish, flaky and down right idiotic behavior.

yesterday was another midwifery review board meeting. For a refresher- the midwifery complaint review board is the only overseeing entity here in Texas for CPMs. CNMs are regulated under the nursing board, which i imagine is nothing like the board to which i am referring.
Months ago i submitted a complaint to the Texas midwifery complaint board- lets call them TMCB for the rest of the post. Since lay midwives don't carry malpractice insurance this was my only recourse against Faith Beltz, the lay midwife who's mistakes allowed the death of my daughter. June 21st my case was heard. i wrote a little about it here. At the time i did not want to elaborate on what happened because i was hoping to be able to argue for them to do more, and frankly, i was in shock due the unprofessional behavior i witnessed.
Last time it took 4 grueling hours of rehashing my story to three midwives, and three other board members. Two of the midwives have sat on another board to which Faith holds three positions.
here are the TMCB members
here are the members for the ATM, association of Texas midwives.
ATM sells the curriculum for CPMs to graduate.
of the three midwives two of them were
Sylyna Kennedy (the chair of the TMCB)
she is an A.T.M. Member: Associate, Lifetime
she used to be on the ATM board
she wrote the curriculum that ATM uses to train new midwives- Faith trained under this curriculum (the worse Faith looks, the worse Sylyna looks, since she wrote the curriculum Faith was trained with)
and
Janet Dirmeyer
she was an ATM board member for about ten years
she is an ATM member associate and and ATM preceptor

So now, tell me how these midwives can judge Faith unbiasedly seeing as Faith hold's three positions on the board they are so tied to?
They can't.
The last meeting had Sylyna winking at, and smiling at Faith. She even went as far as to say very early in the hearing "we all know you are a good midwife Faith". I am sorry, but that was the topic up for review, so NO we did not all know she was a good midwife. And, by the end of the last board meeting it was VERY clear she was not a "good" midwife. She was a midwife who made TONS of mistakes, not just one.
One of the guys on the TMCB hearing my case (i am told he is/was a lawyer) named Andrew MacLaurin told Faith if this had been a court case she would have been "torn up and down"
During the meeting there was about 20 or so midwives and supporters of Faith there. they were eating loudly, talking during the whole thing and one even brought in a toddler who was screeching during the meeting. HOW professional.
The crowd went as far as to BOO when the board gave Faith a 500$ fine for never giving me info about the board and HIPPa info to sign during the pregnancy.
For killing my baby she received probated suspension. She is allowed to practice, but not alone and she has to turn in her records and protocols to the board for review.
Well she chose to not sign the NOV (notice of violation), meaning she wanted to come back and argue her "punishment". Hence the second meeting yesterday.
I was not able to go, due to me being in the hospital here with Willow. But, Gabe, Amy and Bethany went in my place. All three were at the birth.
What happened in the case before mine was a midwife lost her license for not turning in birth certificates. YES, you read that right. a midwife lost her license for not turning in birth certificates, but Faith kept her license even after being responsible for an infant death.
Then came my case. Faith wanted to argue all 4 counts (my friend was sitting behind her when she was saying this). She got up there and started on the first one and the board didn't have any of that. they stuck to their original ruling.
YAY
not good enough, but better than nothing!
Then the case after mine? Another abruption. this time the baby lived but is brain damaged. the midwife only received probated suspension also. And these poor parents have no recourse to pay for the lifetime care of a severely disabled child due to the midwife not carrying malpractice insurance. NICE
So, on to some of the ways midwives make fools of themselves.
One midwife ran out after my friend Amy to tell her to ask "whoever is writing that blog that is bashign midwives and Faith Beltz to just stop" .
my friend said..uhhh , lots of people write blogs and i have no control over what anyone writes! Plus why on earth is she so worried about my little blog?
Another midwife stood up during the proceedings to shout about how Amy was lying about Faith having her stuff packed up when Aquila was born. She said "how come there are pictures of her with a bulb syringe?" (referring to my blog of course)
here, let me answer that for you sweety!
Faith did have all her equipment packed in the trunk. When Aquila was born Faith had nothing but her mouth to suck the blood from aquilas mouth/nose. She then tossed her keys to my photographer and told her to get the blue bag from her trunk. Then Katie Jo (photographer) brought the bag, Faith started using the syringe, then the Dilee. Only after giving her the bag was KJ able to snap the one picture i have of aquila from the birth (the bulb syringe one)



and finally an open letter to Faith Beltz C.P.M. -

Seriously Faith, seriously? You wanted to argue all these counts? You seriously think you deserve nothing for what you did? And on top of everything to LIE repeatedly , saying i refused a transfer? You are completely full of it. you should be ashamed to be adding insult to injury. Don't tell me you "think about Aquila every day" . I live an aching, bleeding memory to my daughter every day. If you had made different choices, she would be snuggled at my breast right now, but instead she buried in the ground. How can you live with yourself and argue the slap on the hand you received? it is truly deplorable.

7 months

well it has been another month.it is strange because on one hand i rejoice at each passing month, as it brings me closer to holding the baby in my tummy (hopefully),but it is also very sad because it brings me one month further away from Aquila.

i am hitting brick walls and running low on steam in the sphere of fighting this injustice...

the things i want to do over the next few years are not the same things my husband wants...

i am feeling down, can you tell?

6 months

Wow. 6 months. half a year. a lifetime.

there is no way to make you understand how different one little life , and it's leaving, can alter a person (unless , of course, you have lost a child yourself)

I can barely remember the person i was before Aquila. 6 months later it is easier, and it is harder. The pain is no longer acute, hemorrhaging. But somewhere in the last months it became apparent that this was a pain that was chronic..would be something i will live with forever. Will always keep me from sleep, and make certain activities painful. it will become more and more hidden from everyone but God and me, but no less real.

Today i have the pain of knowing that 6 months ago, you were still alive. you had a chance, baby girl. And i failed, others failed, and now you are gone.
Tomorrow i have the pain of fathers day, and knowing that my relationship with my father is nothing if not more distant than it was this time last year. And the following day i have the pain of looking in the eye the woman whose mistakes cost me my child.

today's happenings

church is hard for me. i think i might go to the most fertile church on the planet- every woman seems to be either sporting a bowling ball under her dress or carrying a sweet little one in their arms.

i avoid them all like the plague.

especially after a few months ago... i braved attending the "moms" bible study. i lasted about 10 minutes. till i asked this one mama with a baby in her moby wrap how old he was...he was born the day i buried my daughter. i ran to the bathroom where i sobbed for so long a friend had to drive up the church to calm me down so i could drive. and who should be at the woman's retreat? this lady with sweet little funeral baby in arms. and i am put in her room! along with 3 other nursing moms. it was hell . i did not sleep. i was able to be moved for the next night, but i continued to run into this lady over and over. finally i felt i must explain my rudeness when she started chatting with me about how i inspired her by always wearing my babies in slings. then i told her, "look , i am sorry if i come off as i don't like you but my baby died at birth and i buried her on the day your son was born" insert waterworks and choking back any other conversation.

i was just thinking last sunday how nice it is that i never see her at the service we attend. whew! but oh i should not have thought that. this week, who do i see? you guessed it. perfect view of their sweet family. i was sucked into imagining Aquila bouncing in my lap like her baby boy, and i had to stop myself.
ugh

but then things went better. while waiting in line to pick up sebastian i saw a new mama with her little tiny one in a ring sling. the sling was not positioned correctly and i all could think was how i should be showing her how to fix it. see, i used to own a business, making and selling baby slings. so i always help mamas with their slings. but not once since Aquila have i braved talking to some new mom. but I DID IT. i talked to her. i fixed her sling. i smiled. i told her her son was beautiful. i did not mention my dead baby. i did not cry. it was a milestone.

then when i got home i had two pieces of mail. one was my health insurance quarterly update. i did cry. Aquila's name was on it. everyone in my family- all our names listed in order the same way they read in my heart. health insurance for a dead baby.
the other mail was a notification of the day of the hearing for my midwife. i have not really discussed this on here, because i want to wait till after the board decides if she is keeping her license.
whew.. and it's only 1:42 in the afternoon.

why she remains

Corinthians 13
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


i have faith.
faith that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.
faith that God is big enough to carry me through anything.

i have a hope in Heaven.
in seeing her again.
that there she is alive and well.

and greatest of all,
i have love for her.
a love that encompasses,
engulfs me.
a love that will never still,
never be silenced,
and never end.

lovely gift

from my friend over at http://curlsofred.blogspot.com/
i cannot begin to express how wonderful it was to receive a gift in memory of my baby girl. thank you so much!

2 months gone

my dearest Aquila-
you should be turning two months old today. i had to look online to see what you should be doing, because i still picture you are a newborn, frozen in time..well i guess you are..

What’s It Like To Be Two Months Old?
My head is a little wobbly when I am propped up. Put your hand
behind my neck and head for support.
I can hold my head up for a few seconds when I’m on my stomach.
I hold onto things for a little while.
I move my arms and legs. I "bicycle" with my feet when I get excited.
I gurgle, laugh and smile when I am happy.
I cry when I am hungry, scared or uncomfortable.
I am aware of different voices and people.
I stay awake during the day. But I usually take naps throughout the day.
I make cooing sounds.
I begin to stare at my hands.
I follow you with my eyes to watch you move around.
I stare at people and at things.
I smile at other people, not just at my mother.
I quiet down when I suck my fingers, a bottle or a pacifier.


then i got really weird and did an image search for two month old babies. i found this picture and it broke my heart because it look so much like you and Lucca should look. that should be you grinning. i miss you so much.


and then there is this video. that should be you and your daddy!

two months has been so completely LONG. i have aged years for sure. how could someone so little leave such a big hole??????

Great Expectations- Acrylic on canvas

remembrance jewelry

this is from the vintage pearl


from here Betsy's love a necklace hand blown to encase a lock of Aquila's hair

also, the ladies at my bible study gave me a beautiful James Avery necklace that has Aquila's initials and says on the back "you are always in my heart" but i don't have a picture of it yet