nightmare

i had a terrible dream last night. i gave birth to this baby all alone. she was a girl, and she died in my arms. what more can i say?

5 months

she's been gone for 5 months. no one said anything. it is sad to know not one person except for me (including Gabe) counts off the months. it is so very lonely, i can't even begin to put words to it. This is so lonely. i have never in my life felt so out of place and alone.

i spent my morning ordering her permanent grave marker and fixing up her grave site. Today i was sad going. i felt so pathetic to be crying on the ground in front of a tiny white marker. All these tears and and all she is to the world is this little plot.

today's happenings

church is hard for me. i think i might go to the most fertile church on the planet- every woman seems to be either sporting a bowling ball under her dress or carrying a sweet little one in their arms.

i avoid them all like the plague.

especially after a few months ago... i braved attending the "moms" bible study. i lasted about 10 minutes. till i asked this one mama with a baby in her moby wrap how old he was...he was born the day i buried my daughter. i ran to the bathroom where i sobbed for so long a friend had to drive up the church to calm me down so i could drive. and who should be at the woman's retreat? this lady with sweet little funeral baby in arms. and i am put in her room! along with 3 other nursing moms. it was hell . i did not sleep. i was able to be moved for the next night, but i continued to run into this lady over and over. finally i felt i must explain my rudeness when she started chatting with me about how i inspired her by always wearing my babies in slings. then i told her, "look , i am sorry if i come off as i don't like you but my baby died at birth and i buried her on the day your son was born" insert waterworks and choking back any other conversation.

i was just thinking last sunday how nice it is that i never see her at the service we attend. whew! but oh i should not have thought that. this week, who do i see? you guessed it. perfect view of their sweet family. i was sucked into imagining Aquila bouncing in my lap like her baby boy, and i had to stop myself.
ugh

but then things went better. while waiting in line to pick up sebastian i saw a new mama with her little tiny one in a ring sling. the sling was not positioned correctly and i all could think was how i should be showing her how to fix it. see, i used to own a business, making and selling baby slings. so i always help mamas with their slings. but not once since Aquila have i braved talking to some new mom. but I DID IT. i talked to her. i fixed her sling. i smiled. i told her her son was beautiful. i did not mention my dead baby. i did not cry. it was a milestone.

then when i got home i had two pieces of mail. one was my health insurance quarterly update. i did cry. Aquila's name was on it. everyone in my family- all our names listed in order the same way they read in my heart. health insurance for a dead baby.
the other mail was a notification of the day of the hearing for my midwife. i have not really discussed this on here, because i want to wait till after the board decides if she is keeping her license.
whew.. and it's only 1:42 in the afternoon.

why she remains

Corinthians 13
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


i have faith.
faith that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.
faith that God is big enough to carry me through anything.

i have a hope in Heaven.
in seeing her again.
that there she is alive and well.

and greatest of all,
i have love for her.
a love that encompasses,
engulfs me.
a love that will never still,
never be silenced,
and never end.

praise

Praise to the Lord of lords, King of kings! everytime i see this little sweet baby i am reminded of his miraculous works! how amazing is it that this baby will be be coming a short 11 months after Aquila? i could't bear the idea of another year without a baby, and look at how the Lord has blessed me...
(note- i am not in any way saying anything ment to hurt any of my dear babyloss mamas who have no concieved thier rainbow babies. i am praying for your blessings to hurry up! )
i am posting this because i just must give credit where credit is due. He is the giver of all good gifts. this baby, for however long she/he is here is truely a wonderful gift!

Psalm 104
³³As long as I live,

I will sing and praise you,

the LORD God.

³⁴I hope my thoughts

will please you,

because you are the one

who makes me glad.