But, babies die in the hospital too......

this has been the number 1 thing said to me over the last 20 months. i just read a breakdown of the stats that is truly phenomenally presented. please go over to 10 centimeters to read why saying "babies die in the hospital too!" is utterly ridiculous.
http://www.10centimeters.com/friday-fallacy-babies-die-in-the-hospital-too/

how the CPMs (lay midwives) made fools of themselves yesterday

first off i am sorry if you are a CPM and not a fool- there are plenty out there. But unfortunately for you you profession is riddled with childish, flaky and down right idiotic behavior.

yesterday was another midwifery review board meeting. For a refresher- the midwifery complaint review board is the only overseeing entity here in Texas for CPMs. CNMs are regulated under the nursing board, which i imagine is nothing like the board to which i am referring.
Months ago i submitted a complaint to the Texas midwifery complaint board- lets call them TMCB for the rest of the post. Since lay midwives don't carry malpractice insurance this was my only recourse against Faith Beltz, the lay midwife who's mistakes allowed the death of my daughter. June 21st my case was heard. i wrote a little about it here. At the time i did not want to elaborate on what happened because i was hoping to be able to argue for them to do more, and frankly, i was in shock due the unprofessional behavior i witnessed.
Last time it took 4 grueling hours of rehashing my story to three midwives, and three other board members. Two of the midwives have sat on another board to which Faith holds three positions.
here are the TMCB members
here are the members for the ATM, association of Texas midwives.
ATM sells the curriculum for CPMs to graduate.
of the three midwives two of them were
Sylyna Kennedy (the chair of the TMCB)
she is an A.T.M. Member: Associate, Lifetime
she used to be on the ATM board
she wrote the curriculum that ATM uses to train new midwives- Faith trained under this curriculum (the worse Faith looks, the worse Sylyna looks, since she wrote the curriculum Faith was trained with)
and
Janet Dirmeyer
she was an ATM board member for about ten years
she is an ATM member associate and and ATM preceptor

So now, tell me how these midwives can judge Faith unbiasedly seeing as Faith hold's three positions on the board they are so tied to?
They can't.
The last meeting had Sylyna winking at, and smiling at Faith. She even went as far as to say very early in the hearing "we all know you are a good midwife Faith". I am sorry, but that was the topic up for review, so NO we did not all know she was a good midwife. And, by the end of the last board meeting it was VERY clear she was not a "good" midwife. She was a midwife who made TONS of mistakes, not just one.
One of the guys on the TMCB hearing my case (i am told he is/was a lawyer) named Andrew MacLaurin told Faith if this had been a court case she would have been "torn up and down"
During the meeting there was about 20 or so midwives and supporters of Faith there. they were eating loudly, talking during the whole thing and one even brought in a toddler who was screeching during the meeting. HOW professional.
The crowd went as far as to BOO when the board gave Faith a 500$ fine for never giving me info about the board and HIPPa info to sign during the pregnancy.
For killing my baby she received probated suspension. She is allowed to practice, but not alone and she has to turn in her records and protocols to the board for review.
Well she chose to not sign the NOV (notice of violation), meaning she wanted to come back and argue her "punishment". Hence the second meeting yesterday.
I was not able to go, due to me being in the hospital here with Willow. But, Gabe, Amy and Bethany went in my place. All three were at the birth.
What happened in the case before mine was a midwife lost her license for not turning in birth certificates. YES, you read that right. a midwife lost her license for not turning in birth certificates, but Faith kept her license even after being responsible for an infant death.
Then came my case. Faith wanted to argue all 4 counts (my friend was sitting behind her when she was saying this). She got up there and started on the first one and the board didn't have any of that. they stuck to their original ruling.
YAY
not good enough, but better than nothing!
Then the case after mine? Another abruption. this time the baby lived but is brain damaged. the midwife only received probated suspension also. And these poor parents have no recourse to pay for the lifetime care of a severely disabled child due to the midwife not carrying malpractice insurance. NICE
So, on to some of the ways midwives make fools of themselves.
One midwife ran out after my friend Amy to tell her to ask "whoever is writing that blog that is bashign midwives and Faith Beltz to just stop" .
my friend said..uhhh , lots of people write blogs and i have no control over what anyone writes! Plus why on earth is she so worried about my little blog?
Another midwife stood up during the proceedings to shout about how Amy was lying about Faith having her stuff packed up when Aquila was born. She said "how come there are pictures of her with a bulb syringe?" (referring to my blog of course)
here, let me answer that for you sweety!
Faith did have all her equipment packed in the trunk. When Aquila was born Faith had nothing but her mouth to suck the blood from aquilas mouth/nose. She then tossed her keys to my photographer and told her to get the blue bag from her trunk. Then Katie Jo (photographer) brought the bag, Faith started using the syringe, then the Dilee. Only after giving her the bag was KJ able to snap the one picture i have of aquila from the birth (the bulb syringe one)



and finally an open letter to Faith Beltz C.P.M. -

Seriously Faith, seriously? You wanted to argue all these counts? You seriously think you deserve nothing for what you did? And on top of everything to LIE repeatedly , saying i refused a transfer? You are completely full of it. you should be ashamed to be adding insult to injury. Don't tell me you "think about Aquila every day" . I live an aching, bleeding memory to my daughter every day. If you had made different choices, she would be snuggled at my breast right now, but instead she buried in the ground. How can you live with yourself and argue the slap on the hand you received? it is truly deplorable.

answers

ok, answers to our questions---

names:
i have been working for a few months on names, before we even got pregnant. i finally showed my list to hubby this week. he didn't like ANY of them! wah :( so we bouncing names back and forth, like ping pong players. i have not decided if i want to tell everyone what we pick before she is born or not...

Hair Braiding:
in September of last year i went to Renaissance Fest. i have really, really long hair (past my butt), and can never find comfortable ways to keep it up off my neck. When ever i happen to go somewhere there is a hair braider, i get it braided. That time i was pregnant and could not help thinking how great it would be to have my hair up in braids (OFF MY NECK) during labor, and also look pretty (instead of the frazzled mess it is in my other birth photos). So when we came back to Austin my husband found a local gal who braids.
she had to come out a few times (due to my many bouts of false labor), but she was very affordable and each time the braids lasted a good 3-6 days.
I had her come out one more time the day of the funeral. i wanted my hair to be beautiful for my daughter. then when i came home i took it down and covered my hair. i did not uncover it in front of anyone (even my kids) for 6 weeks.
here are pictures





Views on homebirth:

ahh that is a tough one! Yes, my views are totally different now. totally. I had three homebirths, one ended in dead baby, who would have lived in the hospital. it turned out like Russian roulette for me. the third time i lost. When i post my full birth story you will see way more about it, but if considering a homebirth-keep these things in mind.
-How compintent is your midwife- really? anyone can deliver a baby when things are going right, it really is not that hard. But, what about when things go really, REALLY wrong? How assured in her skills is she? how many births has she been to? Ob's have seen THOUSANDS, not a few hundrend. for my particular complication-placental abruption - it only happens in 1 out of 200 births. it takes a lot of experience to recognize and act swiflty in an emergency.
- How far away is the hospital- really?
mine was 3 minutes away, yet once we started to go, to getting to the car took 30 minutes. traveling while having nonstop contractions is not fast going. neither is traveling while hemorrhaging, having a baby's head out, but shoulders stuck, having a baby's whole body delivered but head trapped. The reasons you would need a hospital are not the situations in which you have time, and they are not situations which make it easy to do something fast.
and lets talk hemorrhaging. did you know you can bleed to death in 8 minutes? a shot of pictocin in your leg, or some shepards purse is not going to do it. my hemorrhage, although not as bad as it could have been, required IV Pictocin, Methergin (sp?), and manual extractions of clots (none of which a midwife could have done). But hemorrhages can be worse, much worse.like they have to take out your uterus in a crash c-section worse..or you might just die. And , don't count on the EMS to save you. the EMS who came to us did not carry even pictocin, and had NO IDEA how to even massage a uterus, much less manage my bleeding in any other way.

So, i no longer "trust birth". and i really hope that people who read or hear my story think very long and hard about where and with whom they choose to birth.

on a side note, i am still all for midwives (working with OBs) in the hospital. Kiryn was delivered in the hospital with a midwife. the reason i switched to homebirths is that the hospitals here stopped having midwives in them (all of them).

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homebirth and death

ugh- for the last three days my world has flipped upside down. i used to be so proud, so informed, so sure...
My births went like this-
birth #1 - hospital with a CNM
birth #2 -home with a CNM
birth #3 - home with a CPM
birth # 4- (aquila) -home with a CPM

my goal after #1 and even more so with #2 was having a "keep your gosh darn hands off me" birth. My CNM home birth involved an excruciatingly painful manual pushing back of a cervical lip- which i still 100% believe was unnecessary and left me with the same trauma as when i was raped at 17.
So, i took my births into my own hands- no i did not go for a UC (unassisted birth)- but i made sure that the next midwife i found would be one who was not a pushy-i tell you what to do and you do it, you have no choice- type of care provider. i had had enough of that.
so, Sebastian was born into my hands (midwife next to the tub), in a warm birth tub-and it was a wonderful experience-perfect birth-
so, naturally i wanted a repeat of this..after all my body had made and birthed three perfect babies. why should this be any different? i reasearched birth like a mad woman before all three of my homebirths. every study i found said homebirth is safer for low risk woman than hospital birth. i truely never found anything to refute this.
i researched possible comlications, researched choices for treatments for said complications. i timed my drive to the nearest hospital- 3 minutes
I thought i covered all my bases. the ironic thing is i have seen more OB's this pregnancy than i ever had- 1 for an initial prenatal and lab work, one for a mid-pregnancy ultrasound, and one the week before Aquila was born (who offered me and induction which i regrettably turned down). all three OB's were fine with and supportive of my homebirth choice .
But, the worst possible thing happened. what is considered a "true emergency" anywhere it happens, home hospital, birth center----
full placental abruption in labor.
but. BUT...but.... if this emergency HAD happened in the hospital my baby would almost certainly be alive right now.

So, ultimately , my birth "choices" lead to my daughter's death. that is where the beginning and end of the blame falls.
i am finding this weight of guilt to be crushing....

Aquila's birth story

Birth of Aquila Jade Paparella- (written to my baby girl) Dec 19th 2009

Day of the 18th- overdue and hurting..had so many rounds of “false” labor. Take castor oil. Get the runs, but no labor. Still, I feel like you will be born tomorrow. Saturday...Saturday's child works hard for a living. I lay out the waterproof mat on my bed.
Midnight- wake up..why?? then GUSH..soak the waterproof pad. Giddy inside. You are coming today! I put on a pad and pull out the laptop..excitement...internet...contractions here and there.
4am- decide to sleep since they aren't getting stronger. Sleep till 6. get up and go on about my day.
11am- contractions have become regular. Gabe calls Yoshimi, the hair braider. . Amy comes to be my support, my friend..

Yoshimi braids my hair while I bounce on the birth ball. She pauses her braiding for me to moan through the surges.

(here is where I lose track of time- you are born at 5:26pm)
My hair is braided and I call Faith (midwife) to tell her I NEED to get in my tub-this hurts! I get in tub- bring more hot water-this is cold!..laboring...Call Katie Jo (photographer) and Faith, both will come in one hour...this is getting heavy..my back hurts so bad- did she turn posterior??
Faith comes, Katie Jo comes. Faith says that your heart rate is too high, baby girl...180... I check myself and can barely feel cervix.






Laboring...can't.keep.voice.low..feeling pushy at the end of each one. I pass three chunks of bloody mucus. Faith wants to check me- only 5-6- WHAT?! I can't do this. They (contractions/monsters?) are coming so strong, so close together...HOW can this not be doing anything??

They say I have to get out. my temp is too high. Baby, you need to cool off. Hopefully to lower your heart rate. Out I go, SO COLD out here. Dribbling, little gushes of blood. Worry.. I WANT AN Epidural... how can I make it that far??THEY won't stop holding me in vice grips, won't let go...

She checks me again-no change- your heart rate has dropped-160- they are glad...i am so scared... like a trapped animal I cry out from my eyes- to Gabe-to Faith- to Amy. I can't do this, I keep saying that. Moaning is screaming now. NO!>>>


We will go to the hospital..dressing. From room, down hall, down stairs- so many contractions. Two steps...stop scream...two steps...stop scream...downstairs, my children are watching TV.







outside-cold, bright, sunny...neighbor's children playing.
NO, not a contraction in front of them. Trying to hide inside Amy's car door. But... “i have to poop” they are laughing- that's the baby! I don't want to deliver in the driveway so back inside we run. pain has stopped, but I feel you right there, on the brink.
I head strait for the white couch. “Kiryn, OFF!” I shout. The children are herded upstairs by Bethany. I climb up, facing the back of the couch. You are crowning. I support with my left hand, and cup your growing head with my right. So slippery, hot.wet... you drop into my hands like to heavy, wet blobs. You fall to the couch. I hear Faith yelling (wait, Faith does not yell??), “pick her up!”
I do, I pick you up, but say “i can't any farther, her cord is too short” I look at your face. Blood is running from your nose. Your eyes are closed. No movement. Faith is sucking blood from your mouth with hers. She yells “get me my bulb syringe!” I try to wipe the blood from you nose, rub your back...
I sit down next to you, legs spread, you laying limp and white in between. They (faith, Amy) are working on you. CPR, chest compressions (looks like the doll from CPR class two months before) ...DeLee. I am sobbing, rubbing your feet. So long ago Faith called out, “someone call 911!”. such a limp foot... I touch the cord to see if it is pulsing. It is cold, collapsed...time has no meaning when a baby is silent..
CRY , baby, CRY! Sobbing..EMS flood the room, all around my baby. Faith says, “is that your placenta?” I am moaning, contracting. I think it is...but, no it is a clot, the same size ..then more smaller balls of blood. Another contraction...placenta...GUSH
Me, asking Faith, “is there any way she could live?”
….............................. “she's not going to make it”
I know it's true , baby, I know it. But, still they are working. They are taking you away from me, loading you up, headed for the children's hospital.
I never see you warm again. They are loading me up. BLOOD everywhere, soaking, standing, staining....you were born in a river of blood, baby girl....