But, babies die in the hospital too......

this has been the number 1 thing said to me over the last 20 months. i just read a breakdown of the stats that is truly phenomenally presented. please go over to 10 centimeters to read why saying "babies die in the hospital too!" is utterly ridiculous.
http://www.10centimeters.com/friday-fallacy-babies-die-in-the-hospital-too/

sad news.

today i heard of another baby dying last night in a homebirth. it was a friend of a friend's attempted HBA2C. i am so sick of homebirth midwives taking clients who are clearly high risk and then saying things like ' babies die in the hospitals too '.

prayers sent for a family of 4 who should be a family of 5........

it is finished

so , 6 days later than legally they had to post it- the midwifery board posted the slap on the wrist that Faith Beltz CPM received for her negligence.
here
quoted from above:
Beltz, Faith Midwife 04005 Austin 22 TAC §831.58, 831.65 and 831.131-Related to failure to complete the Informed Choice and disclosure Form required by state law for a client and failure to perform an initial evaluation on client and failed to initiate immediate emergency transfer for chorio-amnionitis. 6 mo Probated Suspension and $500 Administrative Penalty 2/7/11

if you listen to the audio recordings from Sept, you will hear how her lawyer got them to re word the law quoted there, to make her sound better *insert rolling eyes*

The reform homebirth needs

Sebastian, at birth Oct 2006


well after living my life for the last year and two months i have been hard pressed to re examine many things that i held as facts. Death challenged many "facts" i thought i knew, and rocked me to my core. In the rubble left i have been carefully and painstakingly reconstructing something of worth from the pieces. i want, i need my daughter's name to matter. i need the world to change in some way because of her.
i know without a shadow of a doubt Aquila would be alive had i chosen a hospital birth from the beginning with her. i am pretty sure that my daughter would also be alive had i chosen a better educated, more competent midwife, and had thus transferred in a timely matter.
I cannot change the past however... i can only attempt to change the future. I believe that homebirth in America needs a serious revamp. Homebirth is not going anywhere. even though many people seem to think i want it to go away, they would be wrong. i do not. i fully grasp what is good and what potential for benefit lies in midwifery care and even in homebirth.
BUT
first off , until some major changes happen people need real information on what is up with the midwifery system, and what risks there are in homebirth. they need to know that study after study shows that homebirth has 3 times the neonatal death rate
here
over hospital birth. They need to know that homebirth should only be for low-risk woman - Currently every midwife i know will take a woman carrying twins and breeches, moms with histories of shoulder dystocia, diabetes, pre-eclampsia, GBS positive etc, etc, etc......
People need to understand that a CPM is nothing close to a CNM in training and skills.

I think ultimately we need three things-
#1 to create a uniform, nation wide standard for what is a midwife , what they can and can not do and how they must be governed.
#2 to abolish the title of CPM and have only midwives with a CMN or like degree.
#3 to integrate midwifery care into the health care system by covering midwifery care on all insurances (like Florida), and on Medicaid. But in the same token- require midwives to be just as well trained and as responsible as other providers who are- by upping the training to CNM level and by requiring malpractice insurance (also like Florida).


as i tell my children , if you want to be treated like an adult (professional), then act like one

some of you are now saying, 'why malpractice insurance?'
and some of are even saying things like this " malpractice insurance requirements will run midwives out of business and cause unnecessary lawsuits!"
really?
i guess you have never met a baby with extensive brain damage caused by a providers negligence...i have.
why should the parents have to pay what they in no way can afford so that midwives can practice without any liability?
because, sure a parent could try to sue a midwife with no insurance...but good luck finding a lawyer..and if she does? well the lawsuit will never get paid out, so the parent will still not get the money needed to care for the damaged child. how fair is that? you say that a midwife should not have to pay to protect her clients? don't most small business carry liability insurance? Aren't you and i and every other driver legally required to carry driver insurance?
If malpractice insurance runs midwives and home births out of business, than why is Florida's homebirth/midwifery community still alive and kicking?
Florida law requires all midwives to carry a certain level of liability insurance.
Florida law also requires all insurance providers to cover homebirth.
sounds like a win for both 'sides" doesn't it?


what do you think?

how to file a complaint against a midwife in Texas

How to file a complaint against a midwife in Texas -

why am posting this? because , unfortunately, it is not as clear as it should be.
First off, legally every midwife is supposed to have a client sign one of these


(and several more pages)
called a disclosure form. My midwife never had me sign one and i have run into other moms who also never signed one. that becomes a problem if the client has reason to file a complaint. Then the client is like the woman who contacted me yesterday, scrambling around trying to figure out the system and where and to whom she should complain.
first off if you never signed one of those disclosure papers, she violated a BIG rule, she actually broke the law.
Laws for Midwives in Texas
from the above link:
SUBCHAPTER H. PRACTICE BY MIDWIFE
Sec. 203.351. INFORMED CHOICE AND DISCLOSURE REQUIREMENTS. (a) A midwife shall disclose in oral and written
form to a prospective client the limitations of the skills and practices of a midwife.
(b) The midwifery board shall prescribe the form of the informed choice and disclosure statement required to be used by a
midwife under this chapter. The form must include:
(1) statistics of the midwife's experience as a midwife;
(2) the date the midwife's license expires;
(3) the date the midwife's cardiopulmonary resuscitation certification expires;
(4) the midwife's compliance with continuing education requirements;
(5) a description of medical backup arrangements; and
(6) the legal responsibilities of a midwife, including statements concerning newborn blood screening, ophthalmia
neonatorum prevention, and prohibited acts under Sections 203.401-203.403.
(c) The informed choice statement must include a statement that state law requires a newborn child to be tested for certain
heritable diseases and hypothyroidism. The midwife shall disclose to a client whether the midwife is approved to collect blood specimens
to be used to perform the tests. If the midwife is not approved to collect the blood specimens, the disclosure must inform the client of the
midwife's duty to refer the client to an appropriate health care facility or physician for the collection of the specimens.
(d) The disclosure of legal requirements required by this section may not exceed 500 words and must be in English and Spanish.
(e) A midwife shall disclose to a prospective or actual client the procedure for reporting complaints to the department.
Acts 1999, 76th Leg., ch. 388, Sec. 1, eff. Sept. 1, 1999; amended 2005


I never received a disclosure statement. my midwife never told me her statistics. i had no idea of she did or did not have dr back up . i feel so stupid now for not asking for those things BUT LEGALLY she should have given me those things without me asking , in writing.
Did your midwife give you these things?

~~What if you think you should file a complaint, but you are not sure how to word your complaint?


These are the rules by which she is supposed to be abiding:
rules
Those rules not only tell you how your midwife should act in the prenatal care, birth care, and postpartum care, but also how the Texas Midwifey board acts, how the complaint process works and how midwives are disciplined.

~~Where else can you complain?

If your midwife is a CPM then you can complain to NARM:
http://www.narm.org/complaint.htm

If your midwife was a CNM (instead of a CPM) you can also complain to the nursing board:
here

~~How can you find out if your midwife already has had complaints?

well first off you can request your midwife's records here:
records request
This will give you any info on complaints made if they are closed. If the case/cases are still open you will not receive any info about them. The only way to know what happened at a complaint board meeting is to request an audio recording of the board meeting. you will receive a cd in the mail.
if your midwife has had a complaint, been disciplined and her case is closed you will find her listed here-
enforcements page
you can get all the details (minus confidential patient name ect) if you request the records from those enforcements.

~~Can you complain against a midwife if you are not her client, but she hurt someone you know/cared for?

Yes! many of the complaints that come in are form doctors or friends or family who are trying to pick up the pieces after a negligent midwife made mistakes.

how common is it really?

how common is homebirth death or damage?
i am contacted almost every day by another mother, or family member to a mother who has been affected. After digging through old emails and blog comments i have found so far, 8 mothers who contacted me about their baby's death at a homebirth, one contact from a close friend of a mom, 4 babies with permanent brain damage, 2 mothers who lost their ability to bear children, 4 babies who *almost* died but where saved at the hospital after transfer, and 3 "other" situations that were very bad situations that left the moms with scars of different kinds. i have been contacted by midwives in training who stopped training and prominent midwives who stopped practicing. i have been contacted by doctors and nurses. these people have the same stories to tell. big bad homebirth horror stories and the retaliation that follows from telling them.

what is going on here? why are the stories being buried??

negative homebirth experiences?

have you had a negative homebirth experience? would you be willing to share your story in a place that many people will see it? if so, please email me at kirynspiscesmama@gmail.com

choices

As soon as i chime in on a thread about what happened to Aquila at my homebirth, inevitably i receive the same sentiments over and over from Crunchier-than-thou homebirth activists. things like these:

bcblondie wrote:
I'm sorry for your loss. But this is not a fair comparison. We all know that being in a carseat is 1000 times safer than not being in one. You can'T really compare the recklessness of not using a carseat, to homebirths.

All they are trying to say is that homebirthers HAVE made an informed choice. They reduced the risk of their baby needing emergency intervention simply by being at home, not having pitocin or an epidural. Being able to relax and not be confined to a bed with IV's and monitors. The labour is much more likely to go smoothly.
But yes. On the other hand. Sometimes things still go wrong. And if that's something you fear or couldn't live with, you should have a hospital birth.
But for me. If my baby had died at my homebirth, I would have STILL KNOWN that I made an informed choice. I would not regret my homebirth. And I would be quite mad at anyone who implied/said outright that I should.


Amber De Sosa Seber 5:26 am
Sadly, a hospital cannot guarantee or even increase the likelihood of a live mom or baby.

Lorna Doone 12:39 pm
I have never had a horrible birth anywhere EXCEPT a hospital (first time) and then two ridiculously simple, easy, rubber-ball-and-eyeball-injury-free births on my own.
And most normal, healthy, mentally stable, physically fit etc., women do NOT need to be sold a surgeon-attended medically and pharmaceutically assisted hospital birth.

LadyJennifer wrote:
As for the original post; babies and mothers die in hospitals too, often because of interventions rather than natural causes.

Also, it is important to take responsibility for your own birth, know the signs of complications like abruption, etc. Mothers are the only ones who really know what's going on in their own bodies (if they listen), and even the most knowledgeable and experienced hcp can make mistakes. The US has some of the highest maternal and neonatal mortality rates in the developed world - and some of the lowest homebirth rates. "

there are so many more "wonderful things" that have been said to me, but they always center on the same themes-

#1 - baby's die in the hospital too, you know!

yes, brilliant! where else do people dismiss a child's death by bringing up other children's deaths than in homebirth loss?
Hospitals are safer. Transporting takes much longer than you would think. I am not "anti-homebirth" because i want people to face the facts. Have a homebirth- fine with me! I also don't care if you want to turn your 8 month old forward facing in his car seat- BUT i DO want you to be aware of the risks. Of course it is your choice, but what kind of choice is one made with half the information?
Me telling my story does not limit your choices. You stifling my story or deleting it, or dismissing it limits everyone's choices, and pushes your agenda!

#2 Yours was a rare tragedy- homebirths are safer . If someone is healthy enough, strong enough, "crunchy" enough, and thinks positively (woo) than this (probably) won't wont happen to them!

OUCH .
SO which was i? Not healthy enough? Not Crunchy enough?
I know why woman gravitate to this response. Reading my story scares the piss out of them, and they need to do what is so very human, scramble around to figure out what i did wrong to prove to themselves that it could not happen to them.
Well, it could. If you understand that homebirth carries 3 times the risk of death to your unborn baby, then you are making an informed choice.

#3 Well your midwife was negligent.My midwife is well trained/ has great references/ answered all my questions well about what she would do in an emergency!

OK, granted- Faith Beltz was very negligent. but why/how was she negligent?
She was not well trained.she was trained under ATM's curriculum

The Texas Department of Health requires midwifery students to have a high school diploma or GED certificate, and current certification in Infant and Adult CPR.

Then, for ATM's curriculum one must read these books. my personal favorites are the two books on homeopathy. don't get me started there.
then the clinical requirements are as follows:

ATMMTP students must complete the following minimum clinical requirements:

1. 10 observations of births, 2 of which must be in an out-of-hospital setting
2. 20 births as an active participant
3. Functioning in the role of Primary Midwife under Supervision:
1. 20 births, including a minimum of the following Continuity of Care requirements:
* 10 births must be with women for whom the student has provided primary care during at least four prenatal visits, birth, newborn exam, and one postpartum exam
* 3 births must be with women for whom the student has provided primary care continuously under the supervision of one preceptor for each woman, beginning no later than 15 weeks GA and to include all prenatal care, birth, newborn exam and at least two postpartum exams at 36hrs.-6weeks (Continuous Continuity of Care)

A maximum of two transports as active participant and two as Primary Midwife under supervision may be included in the above 50 births

4. Functioning in the role of Primary Midwife under Supervision:
1. 20 initial physical exams and 20 histories
2. 75 prenatal exams
3. 20 newborn exams
4. 40 postpartum exams

so, lets compare that with a CNM's training and also an OB's:

CNM: They have gone through 4 years of nursing school plus an additional 2 years for their masters degree which earned them their CNM certification.

OB: goes to medical school and completes residency.

So, w\how knowledgeable is your midwife really?? Faith beltz failed to recognize two very obvious and major complications in my labor, Chorio and Abruption. And here is the kicker----
Faith was and still is an ATM preceptor-meaning she is a teacher for other midwives. this is the training the next generation of CPMs is receiving!

Also My midwife is regulated by a board comprised of her friends. Th ATM board is one in which Faith Beltz holds 3 seats. The Texas midwifery board (who grants licenses and regulates CPMs in Texas) has midwives sitting on its board , who out number all other members. All these midwives have sat or do sit on the ATM board with Faith, or are in high positions at ATM .
so, how do you know that your midwife is well regulated? what do you think will happen if she kills your baby? Does she carry malpractice insurance? If she is a CPM she does not.

and finally, Faith Beltz had all the right things to say . But when the shit hit the fan, she froze.
How are you so sure your midwife will make the right call?
In the hospital there is a TEAM of people caring for you. at home you are in ONE person's hands. Better be sure she is ready for anything that may go wrong!





and about your choices being limited----
sometimes the government regulates things to protect the consumer.like the
USDA and the FDA.
homebirth midwives need more training, more regulation, required ob backup relationships and the requirement to carry malpractice insurance And consumers need more information about homebirth-not just just Woo-filled fantasies.

one year gone,

of course today should be filled with laughter and a cake and presents....but instead we will go to a grave stone to lay new flowers and release balloons..

All i can think about is how i chose homebirth, i chose Faith Beltz, and i gave my daughter death. i never had the desire for a time machine until Aquila's death. I would give anything to be able to go back and pick the other midwife(CNM) i interviewed... to say yes when the OB at the hospital (a week before she was born) offered to induce me...to have insisted Faith call 911 instead of trying to put me in the car...
so many regrets.

Today will be the first day Willow will visit her sister's grave.

Happy birthday up in Heaven , baby girl.

how the CPMs (lay midwives) made fools of themselves yesterday

first off i am sorry if you are a CPM and not a fool- there are plenty out there. But unfortunately for you you profession is riddled with childish, flaky and down right idiotic behavior.

yesterday was another midwifery review board meeting. For a refresher- the midwifery complaint review board is the only overseeing entity here in Texas for CPMs. CNMs are regulated under the nursing board, which i imagine is nothing like the board to which i am referring.
Months ago i submitted a complaint to the Texas midwifery complaint board- lets call them TMCB for the rest of the post. Since lay midwives don't carry malpractice insurance this was my only recourse against Faith Beltz, the lay midwife who's mistakes allowed the death of my daughter. June 21st my case was heard. i wrote a little about it here. At the time i did not want to elaborate on what happened because i was hoping to be able to argue for them to do more, and frankly, i was in shock due the unprofessional behavior i witnessed.
Last time it took 4 grueling hours of rehashing my story to three midwives, and three other board members. Two of the midwives have sat on another board to which Faith holds three positions.
here are the TMCB members
here are the members for the ATM, association of Texas midwives.
ATM sells the curriculum for CPMs to graduate.
of the three midwives two of them were
Sylyna Kennedy (the chair of the TMCB)
she is an A.T.M. Member: Associate, Lifetime
she used to be on the ATM board
she wrote the curriculum that ATM uses to train new midwives- Faith trained under this curriculum (the worse Faith looks, the worse Sylyna looks, since she wrote the curriculum Faith was trained with)
and
Janet Dirmeyer
she was an ATM board member for about ten years
she is an ATM member associate and and ATM preceptor

So now, tell me how these midwives can judge Faith unbiasedly seeing as Faith hold's three positions on the board they are so tied to?
They can't.
The last meeting had Sylyna winking at, and smiling at Faith. She even went as far as to say very early in the hearing "we all know you are a good midwife Faith". I am sorry, but that was the topic up for review, so NO we did not all know she was a good midwife. And, by the end of the last board meeting it was VERY clear she was not a "good" midwife. She was a midwife who made TONS of mistakes, not just one.
One of the guys on the TMCB hearing my case (i am told he is/was a lawyer) named Andrew MacLaurin told Faith if this had been a court case she would have been "torn up and down"
During the meeting there was about 20 or so midwives and supporters of Faith there. they were eating loudly, talking during the whole thing and one even brought in a toddler who was screeching during the meeting. HOW professional.
The crowd went as far as to BOO when the board gave Faith a 500$ fine for never giving me info about the board and HIPPa info to sign during the pregnancy.
For killing my baby she received probated suspension. She is allowed to practice, but not alone and she has to turn in her records and protocols to the board for review.
Well she chose to not sign the NOV (notice of violation), meaning she wanted to come back and argue her "punishment". Hence the second meeting yesterday.
I was not able to go, due to me being in the hospital here with Willow. But, Gabe, Amy and Bethany went in my place. All three were at the birth.
What happened in the case before mine was a midwife lost her license for not turning in birth certificates. YES, you read that right. a midwife lost her license for not turning in birth certificates, but Faith kept her license even after being responsible for an infant death.
Then came my case. Faith wanted to argue all 4 counts (my friend was sitting behind her when she was saying this). She got up there and started on the first one and the board didn't have any of that. they stuck to their original ruling.
YAY
not good enough, but better than nothing!
Then the case after mine? Another abruption. this time the baby lived but is brain damaged. the midwife only received probated suspension also. And these poor parents have no recourse to pay for the lifetime care of a severely disabled child due to the midwife not carrying malpractice insurance. NICE
So, on to some of the ways midwives make fools of themselves.
One midwife ran out after my friend Amy to tell her to ask "whoever is writing that blog that is bashign midwives and Faith Beltz to just stop" .
my friend said..uhhh , lots of people write blogs and i have no control over what anyone writes! Plus why on earth is she so worried about my little blog?
Another midwife stood up during the proceedings to shout about how Amy was lying about Faith having her stuff packed up when Aquila was born. She said "how come there are pictures of her with a bulb syringe?" (referring to my blog of course)
here, let me answer that for you sweety!
Faith did have all her equipment packed in the trunk. When Aquila was born Faith had nothing but her mouth to suck the blood from aquilas mouth/nose. She then tossed her keys to my photographer and told her to get the blue bag from her trunk. Then Katie Jo (photographer) brought the bag, Faith started using the syringe, then the Dilee. Only after giving her the bag was KJ able to snap the one picture i have of aquila from the birth (the bulb syringe one)



and finally an open letter to Faith Beltz C.P.M. -

Seriously Faith, seriously? You wanted to argue all these counts? You seriously think you deserve nothing for what you did? And on top of everything to LIE repeatedly , saying i refused a transfer? You are completely full of it. you should be ashamed to be adding insult to injury. Don't tell me you "think about Aquila every day" . I live an aching, bleeding memory to my daughter every day. If you had made different choices, she would be snuggled at my breast right now, but instead she buried in the ground. How can you live with yourself and argue the slap on the hand you received? it is truly deplorable.

the uphill battle

i am in the middle of writing so many letters, responding to requests for news articles, and preparing for the second go at the Midwifery review board that my head is spinning!
i just hope i can get my story across truthfully and successfully!

i had no idea i would ever be one of those political people...lol..until i was thrust into the middle of a hornets nest.

it would be so much easier to just turn away and shut my mouth, but that would not be standing up for my daughter, or protecting the countless numbers of babies to be born.

God, help me!

maybe getting somewhere

i have been working my butt off to get records so i can put together all the pieces, and take it one step further. it looks like i will be getting a tape of the hearing- which i would love to share some of the tidbits to it to all of you- i just want to make sure i get every word right.

meanwhile i have figured out why most mamas who lose there baby due to a " homebirth death " don't do all this... why they just try to forget..even when it was clearly an avoidable death.
oh, and i am preparing myself for the flames that may follow from this post...

1. when a woman plans a homebirth, she is surrounded by a community-whether it be online or ITRW or both- who fully believe in and support the ideologies of homebirth. When her baby dies, she is told it would have died in a hospital too. i have been told this more times than can count. If she dares to question this- she must prepare for backlash. At the review hearing for my midwife (to which i filed the complaint to open the investigation) the room was full of her supporters. they did not speak to me, only glared-even people i knew. these people actually BOOed and shouted when the board handed her a $500 fine. it was beyond humiliating. i have lost friends, and facebook friends, and family. i found out i am THE ONLY mom to show up to one of these! However, i am not the only mom to lose their baby to a midwife mess up...

2. In order to wrap your head around the fact that your baby could have lived you have to realize someone you have had a very close relationship with (midwife) could be at fault. This is very hard, much easier to pretend like "it was meant to be". Having to fully process everything about my birth has been the most difficult journeys of my life. Frankly, most people are not emotionally strong enough - especially after losing a baby.

3. woman who chose a homebirth, especially ones who chose it in spite of know risk factors (breech, twins ect) are going to be too busy blaming themselves and their choices to look at their care provider. Either that, or they have accepted the risk and the outcome that came from accepting that risk and they have settled it with the thought that" i knew this could happen. I made my choice"

answers

ok, answers to our questions---

names:
i have been working for a few months on names, before we even got pregnant. i finally showed my list to hubby this week. he didn't like ANY of them! wah :( so we bouncing names back and forth, like ping pong players. i have not decided if i want to tell everyone what we pick before she is born or not...

Hair Braiding:
in September of last year i went to Renaissance Fest. i have really, really long hair (past my butt), and can never find comfortable ways to keep it up off my neck. When ever i happen to go somewhere there is a hair braider, i get it braided. That time i was pregnant and could not help thinking how great it would be to have my hair up in braids (OFF MY NECK) during labor, and also look pretty (instead of the frazzled mess it is in my other birth photos). So when we came back to Austin my husband found a local gal who braids.
she had to come out a few times (due to my many bouts of false labor), but she was very affordable and each time the braids lasted a good 3-6 days.
I had her come out one more time the day of the funeral. i wanted my hair to be beautiful for my daughter. then when i came home i took it down and covered my hair. i did not uncover it in front of anyone (even my kids) for 6 weeks.
here are pictures





Views on homebirth:

ahh that is a tough one! Yes, my views are totally different now. totally. I had three homebirths, one ended in dead baby, who would have lived in the hospital. it turned out like Russian roulette for me. the third time i lost. When i post my full birth story you will see way more about it, but if considering a homebirth-keep these things in mind.
-How compintent is your midwife- really? anyone can deliver a baby when things are going right, it really is not that hard. But, what about when things go really, REALLY wrong? How assured in her skills is she? how many births has she been to? Ob's have seen THOUSANDS, not a few hundrend. for my particular complication-placental abruption - it only happens in 1 out of 200 births. it takes a lot of experience to recognize and act swiflty in an emergency.
- How far away is the hospital- really?
mine was 3 minutes away, yet once we started to go, to getting to the car took 30 minutes. traveling while having nonstop contractions is not fast going. neither is traveling while hemorrhaging, having a baby's head out, but shoulders stuck, having a baby's whole body delivered but head trapped. The reasons you would need a hospital are not the situations in which you have time, and they are not situations which make it easy to do something fast.
and lets talk hemorrhaging. did you know you can bleed to death in 8 minutes? a shot of pictocin in your leg, or some shepards purse is not going to do it. my hemorrhage, although not as bad as it could have been, required IV Pictocin, Methergin (sp?), and manual extractions of clots (none of which a midwife could have done). But hemorrhages can be worse, much worse.like they have to take out your uterus in a crash c-section worse..or you might just die. And , don't count on the EMS to save you. the EMS who came to us did not carry even pictocin, and had NO IDEA how to even massage a uterus, much less manage my bleeding in any other way.

So, i no longer "trust birth". and i really hope that people who read or hear my story think very long and hard about where and with whom they choose to birth.

on a side note, i am still all for midwives (working with OBs) in the hospital. Kiryn was delivered in the hospital with a midwife. the reason i switched to homebirths is that the hospitals here stopped having midwives in them (all of them).

deleted

today's happenings

church is hard for me. i think i might go to the most fertile church on the planet- every woman seems to be either sporting a bowling ball under her dress or carrying a sweet little one in their arms.

i avoid them all like the plague.

especially after a few months ago... i braved attending the "moms" bible study. i lasted about 10 minutes. till i asked this one mama with a baby in her moby wrap how old he was...he was born the day i buried my daughter. i ran to the bathroom where i sobbed for so long a friend had to drive up the church to calm me down so i could drive. and who should be at the woman's retreat? this lady with sweet little funeral baby in arms. and i am put in her room! along with 3 other nursing moms. it was hell . i did not sleep. i was able to be moved for the next night, but i continued to run into this lady over and over. finally i felt i must explain my rudeness when she started chatting with me about how i inspired her by always wearing my babies in slings. then i told her, "look , i am sorry if i come off as i don't like you but my baby died at birth and i buried her on the day your son was born" insert waterworks and choking back any other conversation.

i was just thinking last sunday how nice it is that i never see her at the service we attend. whew! but oh i should not have thought that. this week, who do i see? you guessed it. perfect view of their sweet family. i was sucked into imagining Aquila bouncing in my lap like her baby boy, and i had to stop myself.
ugh

but then things went better. while waiting in line to pick up sebastian i saw a new mama with her little tiny one in a ring sling. the sling was not positioned correctly and i all could think was how i should be showing her how to fix it. see, i used to own a business, making and selling baby slings. so i always help mamas with their slings. but not once since Aquila have i braved talking to some new mom. but I DID IT. i talked to her. i fixed her sling. i smiled. i told her her son was beautiful. i did not mention my dead baby. i did not cry. it was a milestone.

then when i got home i had two pieces of mail. one was my health insurance quarterly update. i did cry. Aquila's name was on it. everyone in my family- all our names listed in order the same way they read in my heart. health insurance for a dead baby.
the other mail was a notification of the day of the hearing for my midwife. i have not really discussed this on here, because i want to wait till after the board decides if she is keeping her license.
whew.. and it's only 1:42 in the afternoon.

Pregnant teens and midwives - oh my!

So, i finally drafted and wrote an email to my midwife. . . to tell her how i feel and why i chose to file a complaint. It took much processing and talking to many different people, analyzing birth records (which where so off that it frustrated me to no end) . Imagine trying to write an email , but your hands are shaking so hard you can't type...that was me. A very difficult thing to do, and i can imagine, a very difficult thing for her to read.
she responded, and i don't even know how to take or respond to her response. i am planning to set up an appointment with another midwife just to get a (non involved) midwife's perspective...UGH i would rather just not think about any of this, but i can't let my baby girl down that way. i owe it to her to dig and uncover truth..

As of today, we are officially licensed through our new agency! and two days ago and yesterday they were calling me about two pregnant teens..lol
what happened to me getting a baby????
one of the teens is 16 and newly pregnant.
the other is 19 ,newly pregnant and has a 13 month old. apparently you can stay in care if still in school and have nowhere to go.

home birth and experience

Your brother came so softly
born in the water
no crying
quiet contemplation
pink and rosy

how different your coming was
born in blood
no crying (no breathing)
sudden expulsion
limp and pale

everything got so dark

can't tell up from down anymore
all the sweet reminiscing of your brother's coming
marred by your passing

what power gained from birth
can not be stripped away
by death?

homebirth and death

ugh- for the last three days my world has flipped upside down. i used to be so proud, so informed, so sure...
My births went like this-
birth #1 - hospital with a CNM
birth #2 -home with a CNM
birth #3 - home with a CPM
birth # 4- (aquila) -home with a CPM

my goal after #1 and even more so with #2 was having a "keep your gosh darn hands off me" birth. My CNM home birth involved an excruciatingly painful manual pushing back of a cervical lip- which i still 100% believe was unnecessary and left me with the same trauma as when i was raped at 17.
So, i took my births into my own hands- no i did not go for a UC (unassisted birth)- but i made sure that the next midwife i found would be one who was not a pushy-i tell you what to do and you do it, you have no choice- type of care provider. i had had enough of that.
so, Sebastian was born into my hands (midwife next to the tub), in a warm birth tub-and it was a wonderful experience-perfect birth-
so, naturally i wanted a repeat of this..after all my body had made and birthed three perfect babies. why should this be any different? i reasearched birth like a mad woman before all three of my homebirths. every study i found said homebirth is safer for low risk woman than hospital birth. i truely never found anything to refute this.
i researched possible comlications, researched choices for treatments for said complications. i timed my drive to the nearest hospital- 3 minutes
I thought i covered all my bases. the ironic thing is i have seen more OB's this pregnancy than i ever had- 1 for an initial prenatal and lab work, one for a mid-pregnancy ultrasound, and one the week before Aquila was born (who offered me and induction which i regrettably turned down). all three OB's were fine with and supportive of my homebirth choice .
But, the worst possible thing happened. what is considered a "true emergency" anywhere it happens, home hospital, birth center----
full placental abruption in labor.
but. BUT...but.... if this emergency HAD happened in the hospital my baby would almost certainly be alive right now.

So, ultimately , my birth "choices" lead to my daughter's death. that is where the beginning and end of the blame falls.
i am finding this weight of guilt to be crushing....

Aquila's birth story

Birth of Aquila Jade Paparella- (written to my baby girl) Dec 19th 2009

Day of the 18th- overdue and hurting..had so many rounds of “false” labor. Take castor oil. Get the runs, but no labor. Still, I feel like you will be born tomorrow. Saturday...Saturday's child works hard for a living. I lay out the waterproof mat on my bed.
Midnight- wake up..why?? then GUSH..soak the waterproof pad. Giddy inside. You are coming today! I put on a pad and pull out the laptop..excitement...internet...contractions here and there.
4am- decide to sleep since they aren't getting stronger. Sleep till 6. get up and go on about my day.
11am- contractions have become regular. Gabe calls Yoshimi, the hair braider. . Amy comes to be my support, my friend..

Yoshimi braids my hair while I bounce on the birth ball. She pauses her braiding for me to moan through the surges.

(here is where I lose track of time- you are born at 5:26pm)
My hair is braided and I call Faith (midwife) to tell her I NEED to get in my tub-this hurts! I get in tub- bring more hot water-this is cold!..laboring...Call Katie Jo (photographer) and Faith, both will come in one hour...this is getting heavy..my back hurts so bad- did she turn posterior??
Faith comes, Katie Jo comes. Faith says that your heart rate is too high, baby girl...180... I check myself and can barely feel cervix.






Laboring...can't.keep.voice.low..feeling pushy at the end of each one. I pass three chunks of bloody mucus. Faith wants to check me- only 5-6- WHAT?! I can't do this. They (contractions/monsters?) are coming so strong, so close together...HOW can this not be doing anything??

They say I have to get out. my temp is too high. Baby, you need to cool off. Hopefully to lower your heart rate. Out I go, SO COLD out here. Dribbling, little gushes of blood. Worry.. I WANT AN Epidural... how can I make it that far??THEY won't stop holding me in vice grips, won't let go...

She checks me again-no change- your heart rate has dropped-160- they are glad...i am so scared... like a trapped animal I cry out from my eyes- to Gabe-to Faith- to Amy. I can't do this, I keep saying that. Moaning is screaming now. NO!>>>


We will go to the hospital..dressing. From room, down hall, down stairs- so many contractions. Two steps...stop scream...two steps...stop scream...downstairs, my children are watching TV.







outside-cold, bright, sunny...neighbor's children playing.
NO, not a contraction in front of them. Trying to hide inside Amy's car door. But... “i have to poop” they are laughing- that's the baby! I don't want to deliver in the driveway so back inside we run. pain has stopped, but I feel you right there, on the brink.
I head strait for the white couch. “Kiryn, OFF!” I shout. The children are herded upstairs by Bethany. I climb up, facing the back of the couch. You are crowning. I support with my left hand, and cup your growing head with my right. So slippery, hot.wet... you drop into my hands like to heavy, wet blobs. You fall to the couch. I hear Faith yelling (wait, Faith does not yell??), “pick her up!”
I do, I pick you up, but say “i can't any farther, her cord is too short” I look at your face. Blood is running from your nose. Your eyes are closed. No movement. Faith is sucking blood from your mouth with hers. She yells “get me my bulb syringe!” I try to wipe the blood from you nose, rub your back...
I sit down next to you, legs spread, you laying limp and white in between. They (faith, Amy) are working on you. CPR, chest compressions (looks like the doll from CPR class two months before) ...DeLee. I am sobbing, rubbing your feet. So long ago Faith called out, “someone call 911!”. such a limp foot... I touch the cord to see if it is pulsing. It is cold, collapsed...time has no meaning when a baby is silent..
CRY , baby, CRY! Sobbing..EMS flood the room, all around my baby. Faith says, “is that your placenta?” I am moaning, contracting. I think it is...but, no it is a clot, the same size ..then more smaller balls of blood. Another contraction...placenta...GUSH
Me, asking Faith, “is there any way she could live?”
….............................. “she's not going to make it”
I know it's true , baby, I know it. But, still they are working. They are taking you away from me, loading you up, headed for the children's hospital.
I never see you warm again. They are loading me up. BLOOD everywhere, soaking, standing, staining....you were born in a river of blood, baby girl....