welcome

hopefully now i might be able to post here more often. over the last year i have been getting more and more anxious about posting on this blog. so many negitive comments over the last two years has had it's toll. i still want to share Aquila's story, but i don't want my entire life up for the public's review anymore. we bought a domain just for Aquila's story- if anyone wants to help me transfer stuff over that would be great...

as far as news goes with us?
big things are happening at casa de Paparella....i found out a few weeks ago that i am expecting another little blessing ! my official due date is Sept. 26th- and right now we are praying for a full term, healthy baby..

also we learned about a month ago my last foster kiddos came back into care. The little boy just turned three and the judge ordered a ICPC started so that he can come here. we would most likely be going towards adopting very quickly- so we are looking at adding TWO permanent members to our family!!

stopping time

i just spent 5 days being very sick, three of them in the antepartum unit at the hospital. Suffice it to say that i was medical mystery for my stay and they never did figure out what exactly made me sick in the first place. But i am on the mend, with orders to stay in resting mode.
The thing is I never do resting mode very well. I am perpetually in motion. Always taking on more and , for the most part, thriving on that. Losing Aquila gave me even more incentive to keep going, to move, to stay focused on anything that would keep my mind off her. Because, being pregnant again brings so many trip wires that flood me with regret and sorrow and anger and burning grief.
Laying there, in my hospital bed, contracting, i had the clearest realization. I heard baby girls heartbeat thumping away and i thought, "i could really lose her too".
And that was huge.
`Yes, all of us babyloss moms know we can lose another baby, and that thought is terrifying. But, i think for me, that thought was not real as in a possible future. it was tangled up in my thoughts and feelings with Aquila that this baby, baby Willow, was not really a part of that potential story. She wasn't fully separate in my mind i guess.
But all that fever-pain-delirium time in the hospital my mind was focused on Willow. On the way she kicks, on her heartbeating, on trying to make her watery home a safe one again.
I think God needed to show me something here. I do a lot of "good" things. Things God has called me to do. But just because he has called me to do these things, does not mean i must do them everyday until i wear out every part of my life and health.
Right before being admitted to the hospital i was contemplating whether or not to keep our license updated for fostering. This would involve many training hours, as we are behind. It would also at some point involve actually getting a kid, perhaps before this one is born.
Reading this you are going- was/is Liz crazy?!
The answer is YES apparently. But i have had a big stop sign put in front of me, so now i get it. Even though fostering was doing something for me since Aquila's death (giving something else to focus on), it was not nessarily God's plan for me right now. God lets us do what we want , and he works everything together for good- but now its time to listen to what he does want for me. I am hearing " slow down. prepare you heart for this baby. grieve Aquila "

and so that, my friends, is what i am going to do.

A Different Child
A Poem

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you,
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once a different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be of any trouble at all
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on Earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here
Because my mother tried again."

Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan

a daughter

well- it is official. It's a girl! i am very excited to be expecting another daughter. I just pray that it is God's will for me to hold this one , and that she grows strong and healthy.
for now i will just enjoy each flutter and rest in that.

praise

Praise to the Lord of lords, King of kings! everytime i see this little sweet baby i am reminded of his miraculous works! how amazing is it that this baby will be be coming a short 11 months after Aquila? i could't bear the idea of another year without a baby, and look at how the Lord has blessed me...
(note- i am not in any way saying anything ment to hurt any of my dear babyloss mamas who have no concieved thier rainbow babies. i am praying for your blessings to hurry up! )
i am posting this because i just must give credit where credit is due. He is the giver of all good gifts. this baby, for however long she/he is here is truely a wonderful gift!

Psalm 104
³³As long as I live,

I will sing and praise you,

the LORD God.

³⁴I hope my thoughts

will please you,

because you are the one

who makes me glad.

Fear and Faith

first off, i must thank my dear friend MG over at book and bairns for inspiring me to write this post. thank you MG for your faith and candor.

i have been struggling friends. i can't begin to explain how hard it can be to keep your head above water when fear creeps in. Lies can seep in so slowly, you barely see them.. till one day you realize those lies has bred and multiplied until you are gasping for breath under the weight of them.

This pregnancy has put me in the cross hairs for some "fiery darts", and they don't always creep into my head. sometimes they come strait from the mouth of those who should be closest to me. I have received some harsh words about the foolishness of this pregnancy from two woman who should be celebrating a new life. If you can imagine, i am spending my days trying to get by. loving my husband, my kids, this new baby...mourning my daughter's death. seeking the Lord. i don't have time to busy myself in other people's lives or decisions. i don't have time for gossip, or drama, or conflict.
praise the Lord for this, for he has set my priorities right where they need to be. Unfortunately, some people do have this time. I must forgive them though, for they apparently do not know what they are doing to me or my family. i am sure they think they are doing everything in love. but what they are working out of is fear, not love.

They cannot understand why i would be so foolish... but

1 Corinthians 3:19
For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As the Scriptures say, "He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness."
1 Corinthians 1:27
Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.

and this pregnancy is a blessing. every pregnancy is..even a pregnancy that is unplanned..or unwanted...even a pregnancy that will only last days, or months..even a pregnancy that will result in a dead baby...even in a pregnancy that brings forth a child that that is marred, scarred or falls short of this worlds standards of "only wanting a healthy baby"...
Do you know why? i do- because God has created every one of us.

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

When i am struggling, God blesses me with verses to combat lies with truth-
like

Romans 8:15
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

and i know that God's time is the perfect time..every time. this pregnancy was meant to be when he set it in motion. i did not really have control. no one does. every pregnancy does not result in a living child, just as every "birth control" attempt does not prevent a pregnancy. God opens and closes the womb.

Ecclesiastes 11

4Whoever watches the wind will not plant;

whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

5As you do not know the path of the wind,

or how the body is formed^a in a mother’s womb,

so you cannot understand the work of God,

the Maker of all things.

thank you Lord for your unfailing love and mercies which are new every morning.

my bad

well apparently i got the concern wrong about the new pregnancy- what a i should have been concerned about (apparently) i how i might upset certain family members by my pregnancy. but how i told them. when i got pregnant.and simply that fact i am pregnant. because, don't you know all that is much more important than anything else....

well i have some news

i still can't post my pictures from my trip due to a missing cord ...but from my phone i give you this
yep. i am pregnant. due exactly 11 months after i was due with Aquila- November 15th , 2010.
i am very excited and happy, but also nerve racked..mostly that with this new pregnancy, everyone will forgot her.. since we found out a few weeks ago Gabe has not mentioned Aquila once. and that stings. and there is just more to come. it makes sense, as it is easier for anyone to think on and speak about things that are happy, rather than things that are senselessly depressing...
when i told Lucca about the pregnancy she told me (yelling) "why can't you just have this baby at the HOSPITAL so it doesn't die?!" and me, i choked back tears as i explained that, yes we would have this baby at the hospital. but sometimes babies die in hospitals too. then she wanted to know if it was a boy or girl. i told her we can't know yet. then she told me she only wants a girl... sigh. again i had to disappoint by telling her it could be a boy....
i used to love being pregnant. it was such an exciting time. now all i want is a live baby, as soon as possible. pregnancy is just a means to an end. that makes me sad that that too is ruined for me.

ultrasound results!

we have a healthy baby , with a healthy foot. It was very uncooprative with showing it's face and it took 5 minutes to get it to open its legs......


It's a girl and we have proof!

pictures

these are the foster kittens, one is hiding! we have 5 and they are 8 weeks old. they are the skinniest, sickliest little things ever...i hope they get well quickly, poor dears!




here is a pict of the baby from about 3 weeks ago. i will get another one done in about 4 weeks, and then (hopefully) we will know if it is a boy or a girl..notice the cute crossed legs in this one though! and although it looks as though he/she does not , she DOES in fact have arms..lol