Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Fear and Faith


first off, i must thank my dear friend MG over at book and bairns for inspiring me to write this post. thank you MG for your faith and candor.

i have been struggling friends. i can't begin to explain how hard it can be to keep your head above water when fear creeps in. Lies can seep in so slowly, you barely see them.. till one day you realize those lies has bred and multiplied until you are gasping for breath under the weight of them.

This pregnancy has put me in the cross hairs for some "fiery darts", and they don't always creep into my head. sometimes they come strait from the mouth of those who should be closest to me. I have received some harsh words about the foolishness of this pregnancy from two woman who should be celebrating a new life. If you can imagine, i am spending my days trying to get by. loving my husband, my kids, this new baby...mourning my daughter's death. seeking the Lord. i don't have time to busy myself in other people's lives or decisions. i don't have time for gossip, or drama, or conflict.
praise the Lord for this, for he has set my priorities right where they need to be. Unfortunately, some people do have this time. I must forgive them though, for they apparently do not know what they are doing to me or my family. i am sure they think they are doing everything in love. but what they are working out of is fear, not love.

They cannot understand why i would be so foolish... but

1 Corinthians 3:19

For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As the Scriptures say, "He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness."
1 Corinthians 1:27
Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.

and this pregnancy is a blessing. every pregnancy is..even a pregnancy that is unplanned..or unwanted...even a pregnancy that will only last days, or months..even a pregnancy that will result in a dead baby...even in a pregnancy that brings forth a child that that is marred, scarred or falls short of this worlds standards of "only wanting a healthy baby"...
Do you know why? i do- because God has created every one of us.

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

When i am struggling, God blesses me with verses to combat lies with truth-
like

Romans 8:15

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

and i know that God's time is the perfect time..every time. this pregnancy was meant to be when he set it in motion. i did not really have control. no one does. every pregnancy does not result in a living child, just as every "birth control" attempt does not prevent a pregnancy. God opens and closes the womb.

Ecclesiastes 11

4Whoever watches the wind will not plant;

whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

5As you do not know the path of the wind,

or how the body is formeda in a mother’s womb,

so you cannot understand the work of God,

the Maker of all things.


thank you Lord for your unfailing love and mercies which are new every morning.


Friday, April 16, 2010

What is and what never should be

i went to Aquila's grave today. For the first time since the funeral... My husband doesn't understand.most people don't. But i had no real desire to go there yet. She isn't there. And i wasn't ready to relive that day...
but, i went to today, and took the little ones. Lucca wanted to put toys on her grave. i know three other babies there. I was right in that seeing her grave did not upset me...but i did get upset. while looking for my friend's babies graves, i was very grieved by all the little toys..all the babies in that "baby garden" as they have named it. There should not be a baby garden DAMMIT. i knew that every little grave marked a set of broken hearts. that each baby had their parents sobbing over there cold bodies. and it just isn't right. it is so very wrong...

and that is where i am at with that my friends......

Saturday, April 10, 2010

meet A and J



A (teen) aid she was totally ok with showing her and her son's faces on my blog. And since she is of legal age CPS can't say ' nothing so introducing-


Friday, April 9, 2010

Hawaii


the botanical gardens

this amazing growth of trees by the Honolulu zoo




sunset




somewhere along the north shore on our beach hopping day. it is so entertaining just watching the surfers..really!


this is where i spent most of my time. this is the view from our balcony. the sweet sound of surf and breeze blowing in the window. can't beat that!

Monday, April 5, 2010

lovely gift

Check Spelling
from my friend over at http://curlsofred.blogspot.com/
i cannot begin to express how wonderful it was to receive a gift in memory of my baby girl. thank you so much!

the art i couldn't show you




my bad

well apparently i got the concern wrong about the new pregnancy- what a i should have been concerned about (apparently) i how i might upset certain family members by my pregnancy. but how i told them. when i got pregnant.and simply that fact i am pregnant. because, don't you know all that is much more important than anything else....

Friday, April 2, 2010

well i have some news


i still can't post my pictures from my trip due to a missing cord ...but from my phone i give you this
yep. i am pregnant. due exactly 11 months after i was due with Aquila- November 15th , 2010.
i am very excited and happy, but also nerve racked..mostly that with this new pregnancy, everyone will forgot her.. since we found out a few weeks ago Gabe has not mentioned Aquila once. and that stings. and there is just more to come. it makes sense, as it is easier for anyone to think on and speak about things that are happy, rather than things that are senselessly depressing...
when i told Lucca about the pregnancy she told me (yelling) "why can't you just have this baby at the HOSPITAL so it doesn't die?!" and me, i choked back tears as i explained that, yes we would have this baby at the hospital. but sometimes babies die in hospitals too. then she wanted to know if it was a boy or girl. i told her we can't know yet. then she told me she only wants a girl... sigh. again i had to disappoint by telling her it could be a boy....
i used to love being pregnant. it was such an exciting time. now all i want is a live baby, as soon as possible. pregnancy is just a means to an end. that makes me sad that that too is ruined for me.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

have not gotten lost

i promise. i am just SO BUSY. we have the teen. Got her and her little boy a few days before leaving town for our vacation to Hawaii---yes Hawaii! it was beautiful, and i even have pictures, but i am having problems uploading, so that will have to wait. since coming back on tues, i have been running (sometimes literally) from one thing to another, trying to get all the things done for teen that have to be done like yesterday...
i seriously don't have time to sit down, much less make my camera obey me and give up my pictures...lol
with how tired i am, you would think i could sleep...but you'd be wrong! i am exhausted, yet still lay there in bed at night..thinking about Aquila...Thinking about the same things OVER AND OVER again...it is like having a song stuck in your head...all the time..for months...