the closest Willow can get

to playing with her sister....playing with a locket of Aquila's hair...

On fostering, some thoughts

we get a few comments anytime we step out of our house. one of course is "my, you have your hands full!"

yes, yes we do.

another is "how many kids do you have now?"
the answer on good days is "8 in the house" which i say to circumvent the whole "i have a dead child" talk...which i rarely have the time or emotional energy to get into. The answer on bad days is "umm..i don't know?"

but my least favorite comment is "oh, I thought about fostering, but I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't let them go."

i never know what to say to this one. I cannot figure out if these people are insulting me , or themselves more. See i take it as they are in a way saying i must be quite cold-hearted to be able to 'let them go'. like i do not get attached or anything. Or else, they might be saying they are too selfish to consider the needs of child that is not their own over their own emotional needs.
well for each train of thought i have a response-

i am not cold hearted. i bond with and get very attached to every child we have, even the teenagers who mouth off and then steal from my wallet..of the baby who won't.stop.crying.... or the toddler who hits me strait in the face. They don't have to be "mine" for me to love them like they are mine.
i see it like this--- imagine you have a sister. she gets very sick and can no longer care for her children. they are your nieces and nephews. you take them into your home. would you treat them differently than your children? would you hold back your love from them? would you not fully support them returning to their mother when she is able to care for them?
I don't see my foster children as "my' children, but they are children i love. i claim them.

and about the other side of it. i have a dear friend Toni who says "fear of heartbreak is the stupidest reason ever not to love a child" Amen Toni.
Fear of heartbreak is the stupidest reason not to love anyone. we were made to love.

happy Mother's day

another day without my baby girl Aquila. Last year, without a baby in my arms, church was torture. this morning, i look forward to praising god for the one i will be holding.

But, i will still be missing my forever baby.....

the situation we are in

shortly after Willow's birth i was ready to pack up and move away...to Kentucky...how random does that sound??
I have always wanted horses as long as i can remember and grew weary of Texan summers mixed with red hair and freckled skin years ago. I wanted a farm where the kids could run and i could fulfill my lifelong dream. Added to that was the constant reminder of my daughter's death when i am showering , or sitting in my living room. i am afraid to go to any parent type groups or LLL meetings, for fear of running into someone who knows my story, or worse yet someone who wants to go on and on about how wonderful homebirth is. My biggest fear is running into someone who had Faith Beltz as their midwife. i don't think i could deal with it. So we became recluses. And i began planning our move.

Trouble is my plan was not God's plan (at least not yet). God's plan was that i take on two children near and dear to my heart to keep them from getting swallowed up in the system. to give their mother a chance to get it together. So for now we sit, and wait.
Kentucky is on hold, and i am holding, holding....

and God is daily reminding me that serving him is not about what is easy, or benefits us, or makes us feel good. Serving him often means forsaking our selves, our needs, our desires.

i just keep chanting---- this isn't about me...this isn't about me....

the Paparella brood is officially on Facebook

yep, it is official. The Paparella brood has a fan page- please come on over and 'like' us, so you can hear more about our crazy life and even see more cute pictures!

an open letter to the NICU staff

today we all went to the NICU reunion, held at the park near by the hospital where Willow was born. Seeing all those familiar faces brought back a lot of memories and clarified some things for me. so now 7 months later i want to tell some people some things --- i know some of the NICU staff still read my blog, maybe they will pass this along to the rest....

Dear NICU nurses and doctors.
First off, thank you for saving my baby's life. Without the staff and life saving equipment of the NICU at Seton hospital my daughter would not be here today.
There is one particular Neonatologist, one lactation consultant, and 4 Nurses who were so unbelievably kind and supportive to me. They went over and beyond their jobs and treated me like a human being. I will never forget you women. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving light to such a dark, scary time.

To the other doctors and nurses who cared for my daughter-
Realize when you go into work everyday and care for those babies- they are someone else's children, not in any way your own. Don't get into pointless power struggles with the parents over things like lotion or feeding choices. you will not be raising these children. Do your job, don't take over their's (parent). When you search for your patient's parents blogs online and find them, don't say nasty things about them behind their backs to other nurses and doctors. They will hear about it all.
This is probably one of the hardest things they have ever had to do. Their brand new baby is struggling to breathe, eat, grow. You have no right to judge them for how they process this.
Some of us want to spend every waking minute in there holding our baby. Some of us can't get to the NICU very often due to families, jobs ect.
You have no right to judge us about these choices. Some of us want to exclusive breastfeed. we don't want our babies getting bottles. We are not freaks. please don't treat us this way. some of us don't want to breastfeed at all. we are not bad mothers. please don't treat us this way.
Everyone is not like you. everyone does not parent like you. Your judgment does our patients a disservice, and i truly hope you reflect on my words. I heard the things you said about me, about other parents. I felt you annoyance and disdain for me. i heard about your "tattling" on me to the doctors. Despite your opinion, my daughter was growing just fine with me holding her all day. It has taken me 7 months to put it into words just how yucky you made me feel day in and day out. had it not been for your co-workers i would have lost my mind.

the further out

the further out i get from Aquila's death, the more my grief becomes hidden. i talked with a woman at church today about Aquila, and she talked about her miscarriage.
she was crying, i was not.
what is wrong with me that i can discuss my daughter's death and not cry??? but then, some random thing sets me off? This poor woman must have thought i am batty or made of stone.
I miss my baby girl so much, every day....i just don't want to share her with everyone i meet anymore..like her story is just too tragic. there are not any happy times, or wonderful memories. She died before i met her. Someone i loved and trusted completely failed me and failed at the job i entrusted her. I couldn't even hold my daughter for days. i never saw what she looked like before death changed her.