Monday, June 21, 2010

the whole story. the tragic homebirth of Aquila

i want to say a few things before i start- one is i left out some things from this..things that are in the other birth story. i don't like repeating myself. The other thing is this is only MY version of what happened. i spent thousands of hours thinking about this and how to write it all out. i am trying my hardest to be 100% truthful-but of course i am human and this cannot include the other people at my birth's experiences. other things were for sure going on, but i didn't catch everything (since i was in the worst pain of my life). I have heard certain facts from others at my birth that make it even worse (making the midwife seem even more at fault), but i did not include these. only what i can remember.




The week before: December 10th 2009

i went in the morning to the last bible study meeting of the year. about halfway through i started getting contractions and feeling very cold. i left early, gathered kids and drove us home. i got home and could not make it past the couch, the contractions were bad and i was shivering. i called Gabe, and turned on the TV. i went up to take a hot shower. the hot water ran out after i had been in there for what seemed to be a very short time , but must have been quite long.i turned off the water, but could not stop shaking enough to get a towel. just then Gabe came in the bathroom and wrapped me up in one. i remember my teeth were chattering like crazy.
We called Amy (best friend and doula)who came right over. this started the -fill the tub, bring labor tea, rub back labor support from both of them. Amy took my temp, which was over 102. she called the midwife - Faith Beltz, who came over soon after. By the time Faith got there the contractions had puttered out. She listened to fetal heart tones, which were 190-200. She said this was caused(probably) by the fever, and she wanted to make sure i did not have a bacterial infection. So, she drew blood for a CBC and left to take it in.
four hours later the numbers were in. The numbers were confusing for Faith, so we went into the hospital. they decided i have a virus, not the flu, and that my Keytones were VERY high. this was caused by me getting dehydrated from the fever, and the high keytones where irritating my uterus, causing the contractions. the had me eat and drink , and the doctor offered an induction, which i said no thanks. he smiled and said it was fine with him, i should have a great homebirth.
i spent the next three days in bed recovering.

The Day Before: Dec 18th 2009

i was 3 days overdue and miserable, so i took Castor oil in the morning (2T). This produced it's designed effect , but no contractions, but i was sure i would go into labor that night. I laid a water proof pad on my bed and went to sleep.

Labor: December 19th 2009

midnight on the dot my eyes opened. i thought "why am i awake?". Then a i felt a pop, followed by a gush. I felt so relieved i had put down that pad! i waited for the gushes to subside so i could waddle to the bathroom and grab a pad. I texted Faith and Amy to tell them my water broke.i was having contractions every 5 minutes, and was very excited, so i played on the computer till about 4am. Then i decided that nothing much was happening, so i should try to sleep. surprisingly i fell right asleep and slept in till 6am.
a while after i awoke, i called Faith to check in, and went about my morning.
By 11am contractions are regular and Amy had come over , along with Yoshimi, a hair braider. I bounced on the birth ball while she braided my hair and told me about births in Japan. Amy and i joked.
11:45 am i called Faith to tell her i was getting in the tub because the contractions were too strong for me. we call the photographer Katie jo who comes out to capture the labor and birth.


We also call my dear friend Bethany to watch the children (because they are coming in every few minutes to "check on me")




Faith arrives at 2:15pm . Aquila's heart tones are in the 170's and my temp is almost 101. They all are trying to cool me off with cool cloths and tea. the pain is intense and when i check myself i cannot feel very much cervix. at around 3:45 everyone is out of the room except me and Faith. i pass three chunks into the tub. i pick them up to throw them away. they are blood clots, hard, gelatinous, and about 1-2 TB in size. (Faith records this in her notes as "bloody show")
At this point Aquila's heartones are at or above 180 almost every time, but on the records it shows them as 170's...
Faith checks me, because i am acting and feeling like i must be in transition- INTENSE, almost non-stop contractions, and "pushy" feelings, and retching from the the intensity. I am only 5-6. This is were i lost all calm and got scared. there was no way i could do this, and now Faith was wanting me to get out of the tub to try to cool me down. After getting out i notice i am dripping blood, which i show to Faith. I labor for some time out of the tub, and the contractions don't ever stop. i remember saying "they just don't stop. the won't let go!"

I start SCREAMING with every contraction. i say (at least three times) "i can't do this. i want to go to the hospital. i want an epidural"
~~it is very important to note here that i said this at least ONE HOUR before we tried to transfer. An hour before she died. And in the birth records, Faith repeatedly states that i was refusing to transfer. She NEVER said "transfer" to me.She never said "emergency", or "abruption". This is backed up by the other 3 people at my birth.
Faith was not even in the room for we asking to go- she was gone out of the room for at least 20 minutes, on the phone.
When she gets back she check me on the bed. Still 5-6. When i get up the chux pad is stained the color of vomit. It perplexed me at the time, but later i figured out it was blood and meconium. In the birth records she states it was bloody show and clear fluid. At this point i say " my mom had a baby die from an abruption". Faith says nothing. Finally my husband and doula start dressing me to transfer, while faith is packing her stuff. I realize how very far away the hospital really is...
~~please if reading this because of the tag "homebirth" pay close attention to these words. The hospital was 3 MINUTES from my house. But that means NOTHING when bad bad things are happening and you are in hard labor. it took at least 30 minutes to get to the car. 30 MINUTES. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are safer than you are.
My contractions at this point were what is called Tetonic- never stopping. This is a huge red flag of an abruption. I could not take a step without a contraction. My doula at this point says to Faith, "should we just call EMS? it will be faster than getting her dressed and downstairs?" Faith says no.
I make the most physically painful journey of my like down the hallway, downstairs and out to the car, only to find Faith wants me to go in a different car than her, which at the time made no sense and still does not. why would you leave the laboring woman to drive without a care provider?
As i am trying to climb into Amy's passenger seat i have the urge to go- you know the i am about to push out this baby feeling? i make it back to the living room, where i yell for my son to get off the couch. Bethany herds them upstairs. I don't even get my underwear off (those stretchy, post-birth, throw away ones). She slips out into my hands, completely limp, in a river of blood.


After birth: 5:30 pm December 19th 2009

Faith had packed up all her equipment, so she had nothing to even suction Aquila, so she was sucking blood out with her mouth.she yelled for someone to get her the bulb syringe and call 911. Her and Amy started CPR while i sat on the couch next to Aquila. I held her foot, limp and pale, and rubbed it. It took EMS 12 minutes to get there.
When they came in they took over with Aquila and Faith came and sat in front of me watching the paramedics work. i asked her if she (Aquila) could live after this long. she said "she is not going to make it".
i had strong pains.She asked if it was the placenta. I said yes as i pulled up a clot the size of a placenta (the birth records Say it was a cup sized). then i got pains again and passed the actual placenta. Faith's records say i stopped bleeding after this, but i didn't and she never checked my bleeding. she should have given me pictocin.
~~note here- they DO NOT Carry Pictocin in ambulances (at least the don't in Austin TX). my paramedic also had NO IDEA how to do a uterus massage, so i bled all the way to hospital. I am so very lucky i did not die. A large percentage of mothers hemmorage to death with an abruption bad enough to kill the baby.
Here is my second biggest regret of my life (second only to choosing homebirth with a "hand's off" midwife). the paramedics asked me where we should take Aquila. they suggested Dell children's hospital-saying that they had a better NICU than the hospital 3 minutes away (later to find out this was not true). The said they would take me to Brakenridge, which they said would let Aquila come to me at that hospital- completely untrue..Brack and Dell were about 20 minuted from my house. longer to bleed for me, longer to not be in a hospital for her (though i wish the would have called time of death at my house so i could have just had her with me).
We are put into separate ambulances.Gabe goes with her, Amy with me. When i get to the hospital i end up passing out from blood loss. They do two manual extractions of clots to get my bleeding to slow. I find out after this that she has been declared dead and Gabe is coming to the hospital. Gabe ends up in the ER about an hour after getting there from a migraine (stress) that makes it hard to see. They give him a shot of morphine. At this point i am freaking out because they are saying they cannot bring Aquila's body from the other hospital- the only one who can pick her up is the medical examiner. Apparently, since she died at home they opened an investigation. at this point the med examiner was threatening an autopsy without our consent.i would not even be able to see my baby until days later, possible after being cut up. This is part of m story i have never written, because it is the biggest nightmare. All i wanted was to hold my daughter, see her and tell her goodbye. i never did. At least, not until 3 days later. she was cold and discolored from time. i Spent those 3 days Hyperventilating and sobbing- not because she was dead-i could accept that- but because i could not even see her.
This is first time i saw her, at the funeral home.



so that, that is what my homebirth cost me.

54 comments:

Michelle said...

Oh, I don't even know what to say right now. I am so sorry. I wanted a home birth with Audrey. I had a "hands off" midwife. I'll never have that opportunity and I don't know how to even wrap my head around that. Your whole expirience was awful, Aquila died then to have her falsify the records...ugh.

Allison said...

I'm a longtime lurker and just wanted to say thank you for expressing yourself so openly on your blog. And I am so sorry about Aquila. Believe me, she is not forgotten. I think about her story a lot.

I came to your blog via a friend and was drawn to the stories about fostering (kids AND cats) and homebirth, and have kept reading because of your clear voice.

LoveNeverFails said...

Oh dear God, Liz. This is heartbreaking. Please tell me that Faith will not be practicing anymore. I can't believe how callously you were being treated. It's absolutely unbelievable, and I hope that the midwifery community there is doing everything it can to remove her from practice.

Why on *earth* didn't Faith transfer you? I mean, for this degree of neglect, I almost wonder if there was some reason that she didn't want to be taking a patient to the hospital, like trying to stay off the radar. I mean, I've got no medical training, just my own 5 births and having seen 2 of my mother's births, and this has abruption so clearly in process it makes me sick to think of it. Heck, your degree of pain in a multipara alone would make me really really wary.

I am so so sorry for the pain and loss that you suffered. I can't believe how poorly this birth was managed. It's just dumbfounding.

I am so sorry. Just so, so sorry. Words can't even express it.

still life angie said...

Liz,

Aquila's birthstory will stay with me for a very long time. It is so heartbreaking, so devastating. You will always be in my thoughts and my heart. And dear Aquila will always be remembered. With love.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry, Liz. I don't know what else to say :(

Kristin said...

Love to you, mama. Thank you for giving Aquila a voice.

stace-c said...

Liz, I am so very sorry for all that you went through, and for the avoidable loss of your daughter. I am heartbroken for you as I read your words, and thankful for your honesty and willingness to share your story with others. God bless you.

Jeanette said...

Liz, I'm so heartbroken that you never even got to be with Aquila at such an important time, I'm so very sorry for that.
I'm so sorry you were let down so badly by those who should have been taking care of you and of Aquila.
i understand the brutality of the compulsory post mortem, and the coldness of the investigators, I'm just so sorry Liz, and sending you so much love.

Aquila will never be forgotten. x

Annie said...

I'd already read all you'd posted about your heartbreaking story, but the details make it all the more tragic. How inhuman to deny you the opportunity to even see Aquila until three days later! Wishing you joy as great as your sorrow in the future.

Julia Fortier said...

Oh goodness. That is brutal story. I am so sorry about your experience. I hope that the appropriate "action" is taken and efforts to ensure this never happens again can be mobilized. Thank you for your writing.

Julie said...

Heartbreaking. So many warnings signs were there from your body and from Aquila. I'm so, so sorry Aquila isn't here anymore. I will never forget your story, Liz, nor forget Aquila.

Melissa said...

Oh, Liz. I am so, so sorry. I am heartbroken all over again for you, Aquila, and your family. I had no idea there were so many warning signs. Devastating.

Barbara A. said...

Liz, don't know if I've ever introduced myself. I began reading your blog after finding it through a friends blog. I loved your fostering stories, the adoption of Ruby, and followed your pregnancy with Aquila. My heart has been with you - prayers for you and your family. This story of her birth is gut-wrenching, as a mama of 7, I hurt with you. I will continue to lift you and your family up to the Lord. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives.
Barbara Anderson

Unknown said...

Mama Liz,

I too have been a lurker since I heard about your experience on the AM listerv many months ago. I just wanted to say how very very sorry I am.

Faith is clearly incompetent. And to then falsify information, that just infuriates me. I just can't believe there is not more recourse for such a crime.

Every time I think of you (which is often) I grieve for you Liz, and for your baby girl. I'm so angry that this happened to you, that she is not being banned from practicing, and that she lied. It's such an injustice, and I'm just beside myself about it all.

You don't deserve this. Adding insult to a grave injury is just inexcusable. I wish there was something I could do for you. Please let me know if there is.

Big love,
Brooke

Simi said...

Liz,

We met in 2006, when I took Sebastian's pictures after his birth. I had read Aquila's story when you posted links on mothering, but didn't put together the connection until now. I am so, so sorry that Aquila died. I can't imagine the devastation. I hope you find peace and healing, even though I know you will always feel her absence.

Take care.

Unknown said...

My heart breaks for you. You will forever be in my mind now...prayers to you and your family. Nothing I can say can even touch the sorrow I feel for you and your precious angel.

the Gower Fam said...

Liz,

I am in tears. I am so sorry for your loss and the way everything happened. That breaks my heart that you didn't even get to embrace Aquila and hold her and love on her afterwords.
Melissa

Sally said...

Dear Liz,
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a baby that you were looking forward to hold and nurse only moments before!
I know Faith Beltz, though, and what you wrote about her doesn't ring true. Faith was at the birth of our 4th child. She is a very caring and loving woman and a well-trained and knowledgable mid-wife. I don't believe that she would do anything that was not in the best interests of you and your baby OR that she would do nothing to help you when you needed her to.
I know that this experience must have been traumatic for you and I can understand you wanting to blame someone for the injustice of losing your precious baby, but I don't believe you are being fair to Faith.
Aquila is a beautiful baby and I am sure that she is flying high with Our Heavenly Father and looking down on you and loving you. I will keep you, Aquila and your whole family in my prayers.
God bless you!
Another Austin Momma

You Can Call Me Jane said...

I am weeping for you. Just weeping. I am so very, very sorry.

May God bless you and keep you as you await your next birth. And as you await holding Aquila (full of life) in heaven.

Liz said...

well Sally-
you are mistaken. and if you had been at the midwifery review board you would know that Faith WAS at fault. they went as far as to say say that if i had taken her to court "they would have ripped her up and down" meaning she would have lost big time.

i am glad you had the fortune of getting a living baby- but don't come on here and insult me. there are plenty of other places for that.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say how very, very sorry I am for your loss. Your pain vibrates through your writing, and my heart aches for you. Many prayers and blessings to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Your story was beautiful and tragic and one I wish never had to be told. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. Faith wasn't a hands-off midwife, she was a hands-FREE midwife. Even the most non-interventionist of midwives should be competent enough to realize when help is needed and secure enough to admit when things are beyond her abilities.

I am studying to be a midwife and I hope that when I faced with this type of situation, I will get over my pride and put the needs of the mother and baby first. That, after all, is why I'm there. Not to support myself, but to support THEM.

Thank you for sharing your story. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Oh, how sorry I am... And how I wish I would read your story before my tragedy...
I too had a homebirth, I too had a placenta abruption...And I lost my beautiful baby boy...
I still don't understand how it all happened. I had a CNM to attend my homebirth, I wanted to have her experience and in case of emergency have someone like her to be able to respond. She have about 20 years of hospital experience and about 9 years of being a midwife. A person like that would recognize a danger right away, right? WRONG!

My Story:
Baby's Name: Shane Chaim
Date of Birth: 9/4/10-9/9/10
Original Due Date: 9/24/10
Weeks Pregnant: 37 weeks
Weight: 6 lbs 12 oz



I was so excited to be able to have a homebirth. This was my 3rd baby and 1st homebirth.

I was very careful in choosing the midwife; I prepared my self in any possible way…

My cat woke me up at 3:30 in the morning; I got up and went to the bathroom. I started bleeding, was a lot, with a clot… Called midwife right away, she told me it’s my water,,, And said she will call me in a few hours. I took a shower, and went back to sleep. The bleeding stopped. We ate breakfast, started inflating the birth pool, cleaned a little. Then the midwife came. And in a very short while my contractions started with more heavy bleeding… I asked her many times if everything was OK, because it was so obvious it was not, and I asked her if that could be the placenta… She assured me that everything was fine, and it was not blood…I have no idea how I could stay calm and believe that… I put all the trust into her, after all she is CNM and had about 15 years experience of working in the hospital…In a few short minutes I felt that I’m loosing it, as I was loosing a lot of blood with every contraction. Finally, she called her back up OB, and decided it was time to move to the hospital. Then I realized that I am too weak to go downstairs by myself. We called the ambulance, firefighters came, then the police, and in about 20 (!) minutes the ambulance. It took them a while to get me downstairs as well, as I lost consciousness. Then, they spent about 15 minutes in the car trying to put an IV... And 15 minutes to get to hospital. In about 15 minutes, I was on operating table, they knock me down and did an emergency c-section. The baby had 1-2 on Apgar’s. They moved him to the NICU right away and put him on all kinds of machines. I did not see him for about 24 hours... My DH was with him all the time. Then I was able to get up, and see my baby, he was so beautiful and looked so perfect! The doctors offered us to transfer him on the helicopter to CHOP... We agreed... And DH went with him... I left the hospital on Monday and went to be with my baby... They did MRI on Wed, and it showed a complete damage to his brain... On Thu we unplugged him from all the machines and for the first time we could hold him in our hands...... We were able to spend his last hours together, hopped for some kind of miracle, but he got to go... He passed away in my arms... We all wanted and loved this baby, we were so excited to meet him,,, He was a very wanted child... I had an early m/c with twins year ago... At this point I’m very heartbroken, and even though I really want a baby, I don’t know if I’ll be able to deal with another loss. My older boys are doing OK, they have a different outlook on life and death... DH was a mess, he saw baby Shane while he was more active, he spent more time with him...But he seems to be better now... I’m trying my best....

Anna

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SlapItHigh said...

I'm so sorry mama. I have followed your story from the beginning and appreciate your willingness to continue to share. From reading here, it saddens me deeply because of the apparent neglect of your MW. It pains me to my core to read about a birth provider with such actions...although I'm sure the pain is not even a drop in the bucket of what you have felt and are feeling. My heart goes out to you and my continued prayers are with you.

I'm confused about one thing and that's the notion that your MW was "hands-off" by all accounts, she was very hands-on in your birth. Her hands were inside your vagina repeatedly and directing you in your labor. What does hands-off mean to you? Ignoring warning signs, ignoring your desires/concerns, etc...those have nothing to do with being hands-on or hands-off. I feel strongly about the importance and safety of hands-off birth as far as no cervical checks, no interventions, no castor oil, etc and I still feel that way. But that has nothing to do with ignoring warning signs. Part of the reason hands-off birth is so important to me is that the mother is able to direct her own birth without relying on someone else's fingers and direction. I feel strongly that a woman can be in control and follow her own concerns and instincts which is especially important when a problem arises.

Sharon T. said...

Slapithigh- Are you kidding me? This woman's beautiful, precious child dies of placental abruption and you have the GALL to state that "I feel strongly that a woman can be in control and follow her own concerns and instincts which is especially important when a problem arises."

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Your beautiful faith shines through your story. Bless you. May you find strength to continue your quest for peace.

Austin Preggers said...

So sorry for your loss, Liz. Was your midwife the same one who owns Centre Vida?

Liz said...

austin preggers- yes Faith Beltz owns Centre Vida and she was the midwife who was responsible for Aquila's death.

JBC said...

Thank you so much for being open enough to post the "hard" pictures. Aquila is beautiful... she really is. Her sweet round head, her tiny little ears, her beautiful profile. I am so sorry you two were apart for three days. You were meant to be together. I am so sorry that you both have been through so much.

May the Lord bless you and keep you in His perfect peace.

JBC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
l.b said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. And about other mom's losses because of this. This is why I am secong guessing my VBAC homebirth.I am very concerned that somethiing will go terribly wrong. From what I have been reading, there are many homebirths that are not filled with music and peace. Many can be very traumatic. I have a CNM, but still rethinking my choice to birth in a hospital.

KnottedFingers said...

Awful Awful that is cost you something so precious. So awful. Hun I wish I had words to express how deeply saddened I am to read all this.

I hate that you are hurting and I hate that you didn't get to see her until the funeral home. What a horrible time for you.

I'm glad that my post about the 99 sheep parable has helped you find some peace

ramirez.jonathan said...

I am very sorry for your tremendous loss. My father was an OB-Gyn and even in a hospital, we lost one who would have been my older brother. Thankfully, Dad didn't deliver that one or the damage coulda been worse. That wound took many years to heal in Mom I think. She can still cry when she speaks of it actually.
I understand you're upset and won't profess to understand the depths of it, but I hope you'll realize that these things can happen in a hospital too. It did in my family.

We just had our first born with Faith as our midwife. I am sorry that you are painting her to be a negligent liar, because, experientially, I know her to be quite the opposite of all the ways you're describing her. I would never want to go through what you've been through in my own family. I hope that your wounds are healing and that your anger towards Faith and midwifery will not exacerbate them.

Love is the answer and is always the last place we look. I wish you courage and grace on your journey, Liz.

Liz said...

jonathan-
i ams ure your intentions are good...but it is insulting for you to bring in the line 'babies die in hospitals too'

my baby would not have died in a hospital.
although i am glad you had a safe delivery with Faith, that does not change the fact that my story is true. feel free to email me if you are interested in hearing the whole midwifery board meeting that came from my daughters death-everything i have said about my birth is backed by the 4 other people besides myself and Faith who were there.

My Simple Beach Life said...

My heart goes out to you. You're a strong woman and mother.
I've been struggling with the idea of HBAC. It seems like only the happy ending stories are shared. I wonder how many tragic homebiths really occur that we don't know about or aren't reported publically. God bless your family!

Unknown said...

What a beautiful little baby girl. I've lost two babies in 2nd trimester miscarriages, and have wondered if they will be grown when we meet them again in Heaven, or if they will still be little babies. It always comforts me to know that my babes have the best "babysitter" playing with Jesus until I get there for them. Thank you for sharing your story - I hope it gets read by whomever needs it the most.

Michelle said...

just out of curiosity, why haven't you decided to sue in order to get her out of business? i'm not the type to jump to a lawsuit - i've had the chance & didn't want to - but if anything, maybe it could keep her from essentially murdering another child.

i see that you appear to be Christian - i will absolutely be praying for you & your family! i know it's been a year but this is such a huge loss that occurred in such a traumatic way that i'm sure you could still use the prayers. ;-)

in Him,
michelle

The Whites said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how painful that must have been. Thank you so much for sharing your story, (I found you through MDC). In my experience a lot of those involved in the homebirth community tend to want to cover up deaths or make light of them as something that is "natural" and part of the process (or maybe I'm just friends with a lot of extremists?). I had a hospital birth with DD but have always felt like I missed out on all the sunshine and rainbows that homebirth is made out to be. I do think it is sunshine and rainbows most of the time, but you can't just ignore the times when it isn't. Anyway, thank you again for sharing your tragedy and bringing me back to reality.

Jade Jymson said...

Liz, I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face. I honestly don't know how you were able to live through this. It some ways it makes me feel bad about the jokes we make and it other ways it makes me feel that we might actually be doing something that can make some change. If reason does not work then perhaps pardoy might! I am so sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful girl.

Rebecca said...

I am so sorry for your loss Liz. Aquila is absolutely beautiful and her story has touched my heart. I am currently planning on having a VBA2C in a birth center, and Im second guessing not being in a hospital should a problem arise. I know there are many stories of success and beautiful bonding moments right after baby is born, but you can not take back the decision to not be in a hospital should anything arise. I have a battle with myself daily, and I think reading your story has really helped me to see things more clear. Thank you for sharing it. God bless you and your family.

Kai xxx said...

Liz, I found this blog in a round about way (a link to One Rich mother, from hobomama) and i am SO very very VERY sorry for your loss. Aquila truly is a beautiful princess and forever will be in god's hands.
To those defending Faith, I have the following to point out. People say serial killers are "normal" and "wouldn't hurt a fly" until they get caught! This woman is responsable for the death of a beautiful baby by not doing her job. I am in the Uk and that, here, would loose the practitioners licence to practice, and be ran out of the town probably.
I truly pray the US has a midwifery reform and becomes more the UK, here ALL midwives are fully trained, and registred with the nursing and Midwifery board. Hospital births are (mostly) attended by NHS midwifes as part of their job and is just considered "community" care. We Also have midwifery visits for a MIMIMUM of 2 weeks antenatelly, even in tragic circumstances, because mother needs caring for too.
I shall continue to pray for you and your beautiul family, and of course, Gorgeous Aquila in heaven.
Kai xxx

Dara said...

After learning of your story, I go to sleep thinking of Aquila and wake to her beautiful name as well. I cannot imagine your grief and the effort it must take simply to go on. I pray everyday for justice for you and mostly for Aquila. She has affected me deeply,on a level I cannot describe. I know this perfect being did not die in vain if your horrendous story reaches every listening ear and everything changes in the way midwifery is practiced. I feel love for your daughter as if she were on of my own, I am shocked at the way my heart has bled for her and your family. My third child and first daughter was born four months ago and she is kissed extra with thoughts of Aquila. I know none of this helps,as I am a meaningless stranger to you. Please find comfort in knowing you are potentially saving other babies because you are strong enough to put Aquila's story out there. This girl is and was a shining star...she will shine brightly and guide you,her mother to peace. She is with you,mama and I know you know that. I'm sorry that that knowledge doesn't fill the wound in your heart,but she is and will always be your daughter. That can never be taken away. Hopefully what is taken away is your anguish and Faith Benz's license. Godspeed and love to you from this California mama. If I ,a person unknown to you,is this touched by Aquila,I can only imagine the depths of your love for her. It could only be rivaled by the depths of her love for you. As long as I am breathing,I will never forget your story or your daughter. Aquila in the starry sky forever. I pray for your healing and peace.

BeckyJ said...

It sounds like your midwife was mostly at fault. Any good midwife would know what to do, and red flags to what was happening. How unfair and unfortunate! I am so sorry for your loss!

Amy H said...

I am so terribly sorry for your tragic loss.

I was considering a home birth with my current pregnancy until I read about a recent homebirth death on MDC, and after doing some further research came to find your story. My feelings about home birth changed after reading what you've written. I still support a woman's right to make the choice, but feel the current system is not safe enough for me to consider it. I'm so sorry for your loss and I thank you for telling your story and sharing your beautiful daughter with us. My heart breaks for you and all the other mamas and families with empty arms.

kevin and allegra said...

Oh sweet mama. I do not know your pain, but I am physically ill at the thought of loosing my babies. I am so sorry you have to experience this. Thank you for sharing your story.

Celeste said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am studying to be a practical midwife, and there were so many warning signs from what you were saying. I am SO sorry your midwife showed such a lack of responsibility and caring. She should have NEVER taken away your right to transport at will. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story so that things like this don't happen to others.

Pammie63 said...

I am so sorry for your loss - I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through, losing a child. You must realize, however, that God has a plan and Aquila was part of that plan, as painful as it is. Faith has been and is still a very competent, compassionate midwife, and has delivered many babies successfully. I truly think that perhaps it's easier for you to blame her for your loss than to accept the simple fact that God had better plans for Aquila with him.

Areawoman said...

Ahhh, Pammie, here you are again, spewing your condescension and nastiness in the guise of fake sympathy. You know what? A monkey could deliver many babies successfully. The whole point of hiring a professional is to recognize when something isn't right. Too bad Faith wouldn't know what a professional is if it hit her in the face.

Anonymous said...

Why doesn't Liz sue? Because virtually no lawyer will take a case against a midwife who has no malpractice insurance, (midwives aren't required to carry it in most states). It may take a six-figure jury trial to prove even what to our eyes looks like obvious midwife malpractice.

That's peachy that some of y'all love Faith Beltz. Keep it to yourself. She's one of many, many midwives - who are loved by *sniff* so many families - who have killed due to their negligence/lack of education/pure idiocy. Be thankful you're one of the lucky ones and shut your mouth. You might try opening your ears, though. Encouraging trust in dangerous midwives only increases the chance that the next victim will be someone you love - or you.

And anyone who dares come here and do anything but say something nice (or nothing at all): Your manners speak volumes. If you were sticking up for a profession with integrity, you wouldn't have to come on some poor loss mom's blog to do it, would you now?

Anonymous said...

And to the lovely lady who said she's rethinking her decision to homebirth based on Liz' story: Hallelujah. That's why people who have been hurt by homebirth speak out: To save others the pain they have suffered. The current midwifery system is terribly flawed. There are OBGYNs who will support your desire to labor naturally. Seek them out. Oh ... reading what you said absolutely made my night. Hallelujah!!!

Marlo said...

Wow, Pammie-- way to presume to know the mind of God. Way to presume to know what happened when you weren't even there. Way to have ZERO compassion-- what does God want from us if not to be compassionate to our brothers and sisters who are in pain? And why do we choose a birth attendant at all, if not to SAVE LIVES if something goes wrong? At a normal "successful" as you say birth, there is nothing for the midwife to do but sit back and take the credit while Mama does all the work. But when the shit hits the fan, that is when ACTION-- educated, swift, and professional action-- needs to be taken to save a life on a moment's notice. What is wrong with you, you callous, ignorant fool? How dare you come on here and offer support for Faith Beltz? If Faith had shot Liz in the stomach and killed Aquila that way, would you still think that was "God's Will?" Negligent homicide is still homicide. Instead of a gun or knife, though, the deadly weapon in this case was a fraudulent "medical" practitioner, a phony joke of a midwife. Faith's ignorant, uneducated, and reckless ways ended a life that could easily have been saved by a competent provider.

LovleAnjel said...

Pammie63,

Has it occurred to you that perhaps God's plan was for a community of people to get together and reform midwifery to prevent people like Faith from killing more babies?

Maybe Aquila's death will lead to greater good - saving Faith's future clients from her incompetence.

Maybe it was a message from God to Faith to step back and re-evaluate her beliefs? To realize His plan for her was different?

I don't presume to know the mind of God, but I can come up with interpretations that are more plausible than yours.

Staceyjwsolar said...

"I truly think that perhaps it's easier for you to blame her for your loss than to accept the simple fact that God had better plans for Aquila with him."

Thank you from the atheist community! People like you do wonders for our numbers. Presuming you know Gods will is both ridiculous, AND makes your God look very mean and small indeed. I guess your imagination is pretty poor, considering that you couldn't come up with a single other, plausible plan, other than Aquila being *purposely* killed by a negligent MW to further Gods agenda. don't you see how insane that thought is?????

So, I guess that child killers and rapists are also part of Gods plan, so why do we hate them? Why do we jail drunk drivers, or put negligent docs out of business, if they are just working Gods plan after all? Oh yeah, its because those people are a DANGER to other humans, just like a negligent, ignorant MW. They need to be stopped, prevented from doing further harm.

Faith may have been there when other babies were born safely. This has zero to do with her skill. Anyone, even a child, can deliver a baby when there are no complications! (UC anyone?) It's when problems crop up, that a MWs skill is required. when that Mw has no skills, babies, and moms, DIE. This is NOT OK.

Ms Beltz is just as unskilled and ignorant as she was when she killed Aquila- no classes were taken, no other steps were made to improve, nothing. She was still offering dangerous services (HBAC), and giving out wrong info right before she went to Africa!!! I know, I interviewed her.

Lastly, anyone that can go on any loss moms site and say anything other than "Im sorry momma" is a total POS. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, ruder than to defend a MW that killed her daughter, on her own site. Talk about spitting on her grave.

I'm sorry Liz, you shouldn't have to see this mean, ignorant babble.