stopping time

i just spent 5 days being very sick, three of them in the antepartum unit at the hospital. Suffice it to say that i was medical mystery for my stay and they never did figure out what exactly made me sick in the first place. But i am on the mend, with orders to stay in resting mode.
The thing is I never do resting mode very well. I am perpetually in motion. Always taking on more and , for the most part, thriving on that. Losing Aquila gave me even more incentive to keep going, to move, to stay focused on anything that would keep my mind off her. Because, being pregnant again brings so many trip wires that flood me with regret and sorrow and anger and burning grief.
Laying there, in my hospital bed, contracting, i had the clearest realization. I heard baby girls heartbeat thumping away and i thought, "i could really lose her too".
And that was huge.
`Yes, all of us babyloss moms know we can lose another baby, and that thought is terrifying. But, i think for me, that thought was not real as in a possible future. it was tangled up in my thoughts and feelings with Aquila that this baby, baby Willow, was not really a part of that potential story. She wasn't fully separate in my mind i guess.
But all that fever-pain-delirium time in the hospital my mind was focused on Willow. On the way she kicks, on her heartbeating, on trying to make her watery home a safe one again.
I think God needed to show me something here. I do a lot of "good" things. Things God has called me to do. But just because he has called me to do these things, does not mean i must do them everyday until i wear out every part of my life and health.
Right before being admitted to the hospital i was contemplating whether or not to keep our license updated for fostering. This would involve many training hours, as we are behind. It would also at some point involve actually getting a kid, perhaps before this one is born.
Reading this you are going- was/is Liz crazy?!
The answer is YES apparently. But i have had a big stop sign put in front of me, so now i get it. Even though fostering was doing something for me since Aquila's death (giving something else to focus on), it was not nessarily God's plan for me right now. God lets us do what we want , and he works everything together for good- but now its time to listen to what he does want for me. I am hearing " slow down. prepare you heart for this baby. grieve Aquila "

and so that, my friends, is what i am going to do.