right where i am project : one year, 5 months

Angie , over at still life created this project. For grieving mothers to talk about where they are in their grief now. Because grief does not ' go away'. people like to say it "gets better over time". maybe it does with the loss of a grandma or a dog. But the loss of a baby does not go away. it does change though.
i am certainly in a different place now than last year, or even last month. My grief ebbs and flows it changes daily.

angie said
"I have read about this happening to other people. I remember from my early days reading about it with people years out. When their real life peeps into their online diary, and then have things held against them. They went private or password protected or went anonymous with a new blog name. I don't know how to deal with it, because I never thought I would care or not be able to just ask someone if they were reading my blog. I don't want to ask now and draw attention to my blog, and on the other hand, it feels like a violation if someone is reading about my emotions on a day to day basis. And that is just it. In the beginning, I didn't care if people read because I knew that grief was trumping everything. Now that people expect me to be normal again, I can't quite figure out why I ever thought telling anyone about my blog was like a good idea. And yet, I have come to rely on this space. So, that is the awkward grief place I am at now. I don't mind if people in my day to day life comment, or let me know they are reading, it is the awkward place of me not knowing what everyone knows. If they read here, they know way more about me and my weird hiccups in life than I know about theirs. It feel unsafe sometimes. It makes it sound like I dwell in grief, but this is the place I process that part of my life. And it is so important, I can't give it up. Blogging is strange, because the temporary feelings become permanent, and little dalliances with the annoying take on the gravitas of epic angers. Nothing is ever permanent with emotions. Nothing, except people can pull up a specific blog post and say, "But you feel like this.""

and what she said there is so how i feel (i bolded the points that really hit the nail on the head). Grief is such hard, dirty work. there are several people in my life (many who are actually family) who have taken what i write on here and stabbed me with it later...or taken my words and silently judged me..or gossiped about me with other people in the family. what i have to say to those people is ' shame on you.' it is so blatantly obvious that you have never been through anything resembling what my family has been through. If you had you would never take my words here and twist them or use them as weapons.

Why is it our society at large says the only way to acceptably grieve is quietly, alone, or with your therapist? Other than that, any negative emotions must equate to mental instability. Well, i have news for you---- this is dirty , real work i am doing.it is not pretty. i refuse to pretend to be pretty to appease your discomfort. What happened to Aquila was wrong. i have every right to be sad..to be mad... to be indignant at the whole mess. i was robbed. i was cheated. i am mad. i am STILL MAD.

But that in no way means i don't love my kids, or my husband.,,that we don't laugh or play.. that life does not go on.

So where am i right now?

i am coping. i cope by keeping busy. when a still moment comes i feel myself suffocated with self-pity. so i keep those moments as rare as possible. i focus on others instead of me. We have two extra (very time consuming children) here in the house. i find that keeps my sorrow put away. I just have less time to wallow..to picture the little dark haired impish girl running through the house. Even typing this opens the floodgates. so, that is why i still blog...even after all the crap thrown at me for it...i blog to be near her. this is the little compartment she fits in.

please: if you do know me in real life, and you read this- say something. just hello, i read at least...