Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
how common is it really?
how common is homebirth death or damage?
i am contacted almost every day by another mother, or family member to a mother who has been affected. After digging through old emails and blog comments i have found so far, 8 mothers who contacted me about their baby's death at a homebirth, one contact from a close friend of a mom, 4 babies with permanent brain damage, 2 mothers who lost their ability to bear children, 4 babies who *almost* died but where saved at the hospital after transfer, and 3 "other" situations that were very bad situations that left the moms with scars of different kinds. i have been contacted by midwives in training who stopped training and prominent midwives who stopped practicing. i have been contacted by doctors and nurses. these people have the same stories to tell. big bad homebirth horror stories and the retaliation that follows from telling them.
what is going on here? why are the stories being buried??
i am contacted almost every day by another mother, or family member to a mother who has been affected. After digging through old emails and blog comments i have found so far, 8 mothers who contacted me about their baby's death at a homebirth, one contact from a close friend of a mom, 4 babies with permanent brain damage, 2 mothers who lost their ability to bear children, 4 babies who *almost* died but where saved at the hospital after transfer, and 3 "other" situations that were very bad situations that left the moms with scars of different kinds. i have been contacted by midwives in training who stopped training and prominent midwives who stopped practicing. i have been contacted by doctors and nurses. these people have the same stories to tell. big bad homebirth horror stories and the retaliation that follows from telling them.
what is going on here? why are the stories being buried??
Sunday, January 23, 2011
a follow up piece?
i have started sculpting again. though the quality of my work is hindered by the short bursts in which i can work--Willow likes to nurse...a lot!
this piece is a follow up from my first sculpture after Aquila's death
Empty
in this piece i had wanted to have her stomach shown sewed up in a jagged scar, but the baby and her leaning around her hid the stomach. kind of interesting, as it seems like i often hold willow over my pain, like some kind of ointment.....
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
my rainbow
To say Willow spends a large amount of time in arms would be putting it mildly. There are always willing arms for her. Willow sleeps snuggled in the crook of my arms- because i cannot sleep with her anywhere else. Having lost a baby, and knowing full well the pain in empty arms, i enjoy every delicious moment, as i know they will not last...
"Song for a 5th Child" by Ruth Hamilton.
Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth, Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
your childs grief
their sorrows the webbing that entraps you
like a thrashing fish. That when your child grieves, mother,
you bend and grieve.
Alicia Suskin Ostriker
that line kept replaying over and over in my head tonight, while i held Lucca in my arms. She was sobbing in grief over her lost cat. And i was quietly crying over my inability to fix things for her. My simple inability to make her pain go away.
Lucca has had to grieve far too many things in her short 6 years. It all started with a guinea pig.
See, Lucca has always been the kindest and gentlest child i have ever known. At two she never fought over toys with other children. Never hit, or called names. She was always kind to her baby brother , born when she was 2 1/2. I know if a baby is within her radar she will be like a moth to a light. She wants to nurture, to love. It just seeps from her. So, when she was 4 years old i decided to get her her own pet. I knew she would do wonderfully. So we researched and came to the conclusion a guinea pig would be best. We got a baby girl, and Lucca named her Pollyanna. Lucca was wonderfully sweet with her dear pet. She fed her, watered her, and held her so very gently. However, as small pets sometimes do, Pollyanna succumbed to some unknown malady and went to guinea pig heaven.
At first Lucca didn't get it. she was interested in the whole burial thing. But about two days after it hit her-
Grief
From her room, long after she had been put to bed i heard a plaintive sound. My daughter was moaning. i went in fast, thinking she was hurt. She was hurting , but not in the sense i had imagined. She choked out that she missed Pollyanna. We talked, she cried and repeated this night after night.
Then after about a month, when the nightly crying had lessened to a few times a week, we decided on a second try. We were not going to attempt another small caged animal. This time we opted for something we knew well, a kitten. We had two other cats (niether particurlary fond of children). The kitten we got was a ragdoll, siamese mix. The most beautiful kitten i had ever seen, and Lucca was in love.
Lucca named her Tinkerbell, and that cat really was hers. She was completely uninterested in anyone but Lucca. She slept in her bed every night, and let Lucca carry her all over the house.
Then December of 2009 came and Lucca would face a side of death that most children will not.
She met her sister for the first time in a viewing room at the funeral home.
Aquila was her baby. I say that because before i even told anyone i was expecting she walked up to me and told me she had prayed for God to give her a baby sister for Christmas. I knew at the time i was due for a Christmas baby, but did not yet know it was a girl. We talked about the baby to come every single night for the next 8 months.When we lost Aquila all of Lucca's hopes and dreams were dashed right alongside mine.
She cried in my arms during the funeral like i never knew a child could cry...like i never want to hear again in my life.I could feel my heart being ripped from my body with each wail. It was one of the top worst moments in my life, to know and feel my child hurting like that.And i could do nothing.
For many many nights we would read books about babies that died because she wanted to read those. She would cry at night, as would i.
Then two months after burying my daughter, our sweet basset hound Bertha became very ill. The vet said anything we could do would be extremely expensive and most likely would not save her. So, for kindness sake, we had her put to sleep. I felt like such a traitor, leaving her there. And having to explain what happened to the children. And Lucca, oh my darling girl. She would start crying hours after bed. First it would be sobs for Bertha , then it would move back to pollyanna. She would no longer say Aquila's name, but we both knew she was in those sobs too...
And now Lucca has another reason for tears.
Over the Christmas break, Tinkerbell vanished. We are pretty sure she was stolen, but don't know for sure. But, little does that matter, because tonight it sunk into Lucca that Tinkerbell is probably not coming back. Lucca has LOST again. And tonight when she sobbed i had no words. I am all out of words to try to make it better. All i could do is hold her and cry. Because it does suck. it is not fair.
like a thrashing fish. That when your child grieves, mother,
you bend and grieve.
Alicia Suskin Ostriker
that line kept replaying over and over in my head tonight, while i held Lucca in my arms. She was sobbing in grief over her lost cat. And i was quietly crying over my inability to fix things for her. My simple inability to make her pain go away.
Lucca has had to grieve far too many things in her short 6 years. It all started with a guinea pig.
See, Lucca has always been the kindest and gentlest child i have ever known. At two she never fought over toys with other children. Never hit, or called names. She was always kind to her baby brother , born when she was 2 1/2. I know if a baby is within her radar she will be like a moth to a light. She wants to nurture, to love. It just seeps from her. So, when she was 4 years old i decided to get her her own pet. I knew she would do wonderfully. So we researched and came to the conclusion a guinea pig would be best. We got a baby girl, and Lucca named her Pollyanna. Lucca was wonderfully sweet with her dear pet. She fed her, watered her, and held her so very gently. However, as small pets sometimes do, Pollyanna succumbed to some unknown malady and went to guinea pig heaven.
At first Lucca didn't get it. she was interested in the whole burial thing. But about two days after it hit her-
Grief
From her room, long after she had been put to bed i heard a plaintive sound. My daughter was moaning. i went in fast, thinking she was hurt. She was hurting , but not in the sense i had imagined. She choked out that she missed Pollyanna. We talked, she cried and repeated this night after night.
Then after about a month, when the nightly crying had lessened to a few times a week, we decided on a second try. We were not going to attempt another small caged animal. This time we opted for something we knew well, a kitten. We had two other cats (niether particurlary fond of children). The kitten we got was a ragdoll, siamese mix. The most beautiful kitten i had ever seen, and Lucca was in love.
Lucca named her Tinkerbell, and that cat really was hers. She was completely uninterested in anyone but Lucca. She slept in her bed every night, and let Lucca carry her all over the house.
Then December of 2009 came and Lucca would face a side of death that most children will not.
She met her sister for the first time in a viewing room at the funeral home.
Aquila was her baby. I say that because before i even told anyone i was expecting she walked up to me and told me she had prayed for God to give her a baby sister for Christmas. I knew at the time i was due for a Christmas baby, but did not yet know it was a girl. We talked about the baby to come every single night for the next 8 months.When we lost Aquila all of Lucca's hopes and dreams were dashed right alongside mine.
She cried in my arms during the funeral like i never knew a child could cry...like i never want to hear again in my life.I could feel my heart being ripped from my body with each wail. It was one of the top worst moments in my life, to know and feel my child hurting like that.And i could do nothing.
For many many nights we would read books about babies that died because she wanted to read those. She would cry at night, as would i.
Then two months after burying my daughter, our sweet basset hound Bertha became very ill. The vet said anything we could do would be extremely expensive and most likely would not save her. So, for kindness sake, we had her put to sleep. I felt like such a traitor, leaving her there. And having to explain what happened to the children. And Lucca, oh my darling girl. She would start crying hours after bed. First it would be sobs for Bertha , then it would move back to pollyanna. She would no longer say Aquila's name, but we both knew she was in those sobs too...
And now Lucca has another reason for tears.
Over the Christmas break, Tinkerbell vanished. We are pretty sure she was stolen, but don't know for sure. But, little does that matter, because tonight it sunk into Lucca that Tinkerbell is probably not coming back. Lucca has LOST again. And tonight when she sobbed i had no words. I am all out of words to try to make it better. All i could do is hold her and cry. Because it does suck. it is not fair.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
negative homebirth experiences?
have you had a negative homebirth experience? would you be willing to share your story in a place that many people will see it? if so, please email me at kirynspiscesmama@gmail.com
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