Wow. 6 months. half a year. a lifetime.
there is no way to make you understand how different one little life , and it's leaving, can alter a person (unless , of course, you have lost a child yourself)
I can barely remember the person i was before Aquila. 6 months later it is easier, and it is harder. The pain is no longer acute, hemorrhaging. But somewhere in the last months it became apparent that this was a pain that was chronic..would be something i will live with forever. Will always keep me from sleep, and make certain activities painful. it will become more and more hidden from everyone but God and me, but no less real.
Today i have the pain of knowing that 6 months ago, you were still alive. you had a chance, baby girl. And i failed, others failed, and now you are gone.
Tomorrow i have the pain of fathers day, and knowing that my relationship with my father is nothing if not more distant than it was this time last year. And the following day i have the pain of looking in the eye the woman whose mistakes cost me my child.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
answers
ok, answers to our questions---
names:
i have been working for a few months on names, before we even got pregnant. i finally showed my list to hubby this week. he didn't like ANY of them! wah :( so we bouncing names back and forth, like ping pong players. i have not decided if i want to tell everyone what we pick before she is born or not...
Hair Braiding:
in September of last year i went to Renaissance Fest. i have really, really long hair (past my butt), and can never find comfortable ways to keep it up off my neck. When ever i happen to go somewhere there is a hair braider, i get it braided. That time i was pregnant and could not help thinking how great it would be to have my hair up in braids (OFF MY NECK) during labor, and also look pretty (instead of the frazzled mess it is in my other birth photos). So when we came back to Austin my husband found a local gal who braids.
she had to come out a few times (due to my many bouts of false labor), but she was very affordable and each time the braids lasted a good 3-6 days.
I had her come out one more time the day of the funeral. i wanted my hair to be beautiful for my daughter. then when i came home i took it down and covered my hair. i did not uncover it in front of anyone (even my kids) for 6 weeks.
here are pictures
Views on homebirth:
ahh that is a tough one! Yes, my views are totally different now. totally. I had three homebirths, one ended in dead baby, who would have lived in the hospital. it turned out like Russian roulette for me. the third time i lost. When i post my full birth story you will see way more about it, but if considering a homebirth-keep these things in mind.
-How compintent is your midwife- really? anyone can deliver a baby when things are going right, it really is not that hard. But, what about when things go really, REALLY wrong? How assured in her skills is she? how many births has she been to? Ob's have seen THOUSANDS, not a few hundrend. for my particular complication-placental abruption - it only happens in 1 out of 200 births. it takes a lot of experience to recognize and act swiflty in an emergency.
- How far away is the hospital- really?
mine was 3 minutes away, yet once we started to go, to getting to the car took 30 minutes. traveling while having nonstop contractions is not fast going. neither is traveling while hemorrhaging, having a baby's head out, but shoulders stuck, having a baby's whole body delivered but head trapped. The reasons you would need a hospital are not the situations in which you have time, and they are not situations which make it easy to do something fast.
and lets talk hemorrhaging. did you know you can bleed to death in 8 minutes? a shot of pictocin in your leg, or some shepards purse is not going to do it. my hemorrhage, although not as bad as it could have been, required IV Pictocin, Methergin (sp?), and manual extractions of clots (none of which a midwife could have done). But hemorrhages can be worse, much worse.like they have to take out your uterus in a crash c-section worse..or you might just die. And , don't count on the EMS to save you. the EMS who came to us did not carry even pictocin, and had NO IDEA how to even massage a uterus, much less manage my bleeding in any other way.
So, i no longer "trust birth". and i really hope that people who read or hear my story think very long and hard about where and with whom they choose to birth.
on a side note, i am still all for midwives (working with OBs) in the hospital. Kiryn was delivered in the hospital with a midwife. the reason i switched to homebirths is that the hospitals here stopped having midwives in them (all of them).
names:
i have been working for a few months on names, before we even got pregnant. i finally showed my list to hubby this week. he didn't like ANY of them! wah :( so we bouncing names back and forth, like ping pong players. i have not decided if i want to tell everyone what we pick before she is born or not...
Hair Braiding:
in September of last year i went to Renaissance Fest. i have really, really long hair (past my butt), and can never find comfortable ways to keep it up off my neck. When ever i happen to go somewhere there is a hair braider, i get it braided. That time i was pregnant and could not help thinking how great it would be to have my hair up in braids (OFF MY NECK) during labor, and also look pretty (instead of the frazzled mess it is in my other birth photos). So when we came back to Austin my husband found a local gal who braids.
she had to come out a few times (due to my many bouts of false labor), but she was very affordable and each time the braids lasted a good 3-6 days.
I had her come out one more time the day of the funeral. i wanted my hair to be beautiful for my daughter. then when i came home i took it down and covered my hair. i did not uncover it in front of anyone (even my kids) for 6 weeks.
here are pictures
Views on homebirth:
ahh that is a tough one! Yes, my views are totally different now. totally. I had three homebirths, one ended in dead baby, who would have lived in the hospital. it turned out like Russian roulette for me. the third time i lost. When i post my full birth story you will see way more about it, but if considering a homebirth-keep these things in mind.
-How compintent is your midwife- really? anyone can deliver a baby when things are going right, it really is not that hard. But, what about when things go really, REALLY wrong? How assured in her skills is she? how many births has she been to? Ob's have seen THOUSANDS, not a few hundrend. for my particular complication-placental abruption - it only happens in 1 out of 200 births. it takes a lot of experience to recognize and act swiflty in an emergency.
- How far away is the hospital- really?
mine was 3 minutes away, yet once we started to go, to getting to the car took 30 minutes. traveling while having nonstop contractions is not fast going. neither is traveling while hemorrhaging, having a baby's head out, but shoulders stuck, having a baby's whole body delivered but head trapped. The reasons you would need a hospital are not the situations in which you have time, and they are not situations which make it easy to do something fast.
and lets talk hemorrhaging. did you know you can bleed to death in 8 minutes? a shot of pictocin in your leg, or some shepards purse is not going to do it. my hemorrhage, although not as bad as it could have been, required IV Pictocin, Methergin (sp?), and manual extractions of clots (none of which a midwife could have done). But hemorrhages can be worse, much worse.like they have to take out your uterus in a crash c-section worse..or you might just die. And , don't count on the EMS to save you. the EMS who came to us did not carry even pictocin, and had NO IDEA how to even massage a uterus, much less manage my bleeding in any other way.
So, i no longer "trust birth". and i really hope that people who read or hear my story think very long and hard about where and with whom they choose to birth.
on a side note, i am still all for midwives (working with OBs) in the hospital. Kiryn was delivered in the hospital with a midwife. the reason i switched to homebirths is that the hospitals here stopped having midwives in them (all of them).
Friday, June 11, 2010
lurkers check in time :)i have
noticed quite a few hits where people are spending a good deal of time on here, reading several pages, but not leaving any comments. who are you ? curiosity killed the Liz....fill me in!
let me know where you found my blog and if you are a regular reader please :)
and while we are at it- does anyone have any questions? i would love to have an answer question post!
-if they are questions about Aquila's birth, please hold off. i am working on composing a full, detailed birth story- but i am waiting till after the review board for the midwife who "delivered" Aquila. so by the end of the month i am hoping to have it up.
let me know where you found my blog and if you are a regular reader please :)
and while we are at it- does anyone have any questions? i would love to have an answer question post!
-if they are questions about Aquila's birth, please hold off. i am working on composing a full, detailed birth story- but i am waiting till after the review board for the midwife who "delivered" Aquila. so by the end of the month i am hoping to have it up.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
a daughter
well- it is official. It's a girl! i am very excited to be expecting another daughter. I just pray that it is God's will for me to hold this one , and that she grows strong and healthy.
for now i will just enjoy each flutter and rest in that.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
nightmare
i had a terrible dream last night. i gave birth to this baby all alone. she was a girl, and she died in my arms. what more can i say?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
5 months
she's been gone for 5 months. no one said anything. it is sad to know not one person except for me (including Gabe) counts off the months. it is so very lonely, i can't even begin to put words to it. This is so lonely. i have never in my life felt so out of place and alone.
i spent my morning ordering her permanent grave marker and fixing up her grave site. Today i was sad going. i felt so pathetic to be crying on the ground in front of a tiny white marker. All these tears and and all she is to the world is this little plot.
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