introducing jillian

this is the bigger twin, Jillian!
this was the first time Tristan was able to meet her :)

twins!

so Angela (tristan's bio mama) gave birth to twins about 3 1/2 weeks ago. they were only 31 weeks gestation, and 2 and 3 pounds each, so they have been in the NICU up until now. this situation has actually been ting a vast majority of my thoughts, prayers and time. why , you ask?
well, when god had it in mind that we should pray for our enemies, he had a great idea. most "step moms" don't get along well with the "biomom" especially in a strange situation like ours. but after years of struggling and finally praying about the situation, i would say that her and i are good friends.
how cool is that. GO GOD!
anyhow, i have been doing the whole breasstfeeding promotion thing for like 6 months. she didn't have a good time at trying BF tristan. but, due to my natural lactavist tendencies, and my post partum doula training, i gave a million pep talks. so for the last 3 1/2 weeks she has faithfully pumped (exclusively!) for those two beautiful little s. and now the big one is coming home tomorrow, and i went down to the hospital from 8-11pm last night to help her latch her on for the first time!! the baby latched PERFECTLY both times, first try both times!
it was better than i had prayed for. so i am seriously praying that she will keep t up , for those babies and herself!!!
i will post a pict of them, if i can ever remember to take my camera!!

bio visit

so sweetpea saw her "dad" for the first time in 2 months today, along with paternal and maternal gramas. she spent the entire hour screaming her head off. i the way those visits are set up. and it breaks my heart to know that if indeed cps decides to place her with p grama, they won't give her any transition time (because she is young). they will just drop her off over there and we won't see her again. but i will know she is crying for us.
visits are so overwhelmingly emotional for me. i feel protective and threatened and at the same time i am so proud of her and i want for them to adore her too. i am all mixed up about even how to feel in this, what direction my emotions should go. i guess i will have a better idea when the paternity test comes back anytime from today till another 4 weeks-if we are expecting them to stick to their own timeline.
sweetpea is just sooooo attached. she is shy baby who developed her stranger anxiety a whole month early. she wont go in a bath or pool with out me holding her close to me.she wont let stangers talk to her without crying unless she is snuggled deep in the sling. i know this is going to be hard on her. i know this is going to be hard on me and my family.

family picts, video

this is what lucca and sebastian do EVERY day. couch club becomes couch slide, which then becomes couch leaping pad...


this is sweetpea's newest dress..

everyday, rain or shine forst thing when daddy gets home from work he picks up his baby and carries her around so sweet..

back wrinkles!



so sweet-holding hands!

i am going to write a book and title it "there is no black and white in foster care"

good title huh?
years ago, after going through an investigation prompted by an unfounded report, i was fully entrenched in the idea that CPS was evil. seriously evil. i saw them as baby theaves .
then i watched the movie white oleander. and my heart broke for that . then our pastor did a sermon on how we as Christians do our part to spread Christ's love via services we are drawn to. i knew right away i was drawn to foster care.
so, i started researching, and decided that we defiantly wanted to adopt. so i looked into international special needs adoption. this is it!-i thought. then Gabe balked..no no no international adoption..then we both came to the decision that foster care would be a great idea..
now one year later we have our beautiful 6 month old sweetpea and love her to pieces...
ok were was i going with this??
lol
oh yeah! through this whole process my world view has been turned upside down, and back around. cps sucks. birth parents do terrible things. cps saves kids from horrible stuff. birth parents love thier kids.
there is no black and white even in the most black and white case.someones joy is often someone else's sorrow.
it's enough to make your heart and head ache all at the same time...

giving God all the glory

update:
so as far as my Dad goes- it goes great!
i wanted everyone to know that after the paternity test came back favorably, my father had another conversation with his wife, and now she is apparently ok (not ecstatic or anything) with us seeing each other. how cool is that? how great is our God!!.. turning hopelessness into hope... finding the lost... restoring relationships...
he's still in the miracle business!!

the comments made about my babywearing

it's crazy how many comments i get on a regular basis- comment #1 is certianly "my , you have you hands full!"
i really and truly get this one EVERY time i go anywhere with 3 or more of my kiddos...every time, as does Gabe.




but the second most commented on thing is my babywearing.
when the kids were little and snuggled deep in a pouch sling the comment was-"are you sure he/she can breathe in there???





now that we are approaching the newest stage of babywearing comments-well, take a look at this photo


this is what the sleeping on your back older baby/toddler does...everywhere. i found tons of picts just like this. this is the only way lucca would sleep, besides on my boob. i cant tell you the number of times people freaked out about "her head"..one lady told me her head was going to fall off

. but i will continue to hold my position that, an uncomfortable baby will WAKE UP..sheesh.
i will leave you with pic of my back loving kids


Lucca

sebastian


sweetpea

sewing dresses..again

i love to sew..makes me get all happy. here are the outfits i sewed for the girls yesterday...

fostering

r
today i met with sweetpea's caseworker, and then talked to my caseworker. really i learned nothing new, except B (sweetpea's worker) said that mom would be getting out june 09. i said oh i guess that means she has no way to get her right (which is what they have said all along) but B says, oh no! she can get and extension.. WTF? seriously. i asked her if we could potentially have sweetpea for 18 months and then have to hand her over to her mom who let her other girls get molested by multiple people???? seriously?
apparently yes, seriously.

my caseworker asked me if we wanted to stay on the vaccancy list- meaning would we take another placement. i said no.
honestly i could take any placement knowing sweetpea was leaving. if she did leave, maybe we could do strait foster while we A. start trying to make another baby or B. start the adoption (private/international) process... though who knows if gabe would go for either of these. it's very sad to think about...

sweetpea

so she had a permanency hearing today. i am so torn up emotionally over this. we have had her so long and i am starting to fray and unravel the longer we are in limbo. everyone involved with her future is inept. her dad cant string together coherent sentences, much less show up to a visit. the case worker cant get a paternity test scheduled until 6 months into cps's custody. sweetpea's lawyer cant be bothered to show up to her court hearings. her county doesn't use casa workers. for goodness sake- no one even knows how long mom is supposed to be incarcerated!!!! how do they not know that. sweetpea's caseworker has never ever spoken to the mom. never spoken to her!!!
it makes me mad, but mostly it just breaks my heart. i have no idea whats going to happen , but it is clear everything happens slow as molasses.
it is so hard to not become an emotional wreak. at this point, honestly, i don't think that if we lost her we would ever take another placement. i don't think i have enough in me.

one good bit of news, amid a slew of bad ones

my father IS my father. i passed my DNA test. i officially have a Dad. Praise GOD!

name that virus

yesterday we discovered sebastian has picked up a common, but as of yet not experienced by any of us-virus.
can you figure it out? hint- just say alound the names of each body part..

Joy and Sorrow

Joy & Sorrow
BY
Khalil Gibran



Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.



Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say �Amen�, and it�s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rainI am with you
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
Ill praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
Im with you
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:


I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

Chorus:

counting your blessings

a fellow mama on one of my boards lost her 7 month old about 5 months ago. i read her blog often, even though she dosn't know me. i feel like i sort of know her. i just wanted to link to her recent blog entry because it touched my heart.
raising arrows

dinner of the day 6-30-08!

potato crock pot curry- cube red potatoes, dice carrots and red bell peppers, then add frozen chopped spinich-put in crock pot. whisk together coconut milk, curry paste, and a little flour. pour over vegis. cook on high 6 hours--
i cant even begin to say how yummy this was!!!!!!!!