warning- grumpy post aheadd- read at your own risk!
i had hits, many hits, coming to my blog from some crunchy birth group on babycenter- so head on over to read this
BabyChappell'sMommy · Pass a Note!
Posted 07/13/2010
i think a lot of moms start ignoring their gut instincts when they're so gung ho to do things a certain way. I think part of hombirthing, and of course especially free birthing, is tuning into your baby and your body. The story that's all over the place on MDC... hang on let me go get it to link her blog.
ok here's the original birth story she wrote after her baby was born still:
http://ecmama.blogspot.com/2009/12/aquilas-birth-story.html
and the one she wrote recently after taking the midwife to court and chewing on it for a while:
http://ecmama.blogspot.com/2010/06/whole-story-tragic-homebirth-of-aquila_21.html
She is in her 3rd trimester of her first baby since her baby's still birth and is going with an OB and a hospital birth! She was such a HB advocate and her SN brings up tons of threads on MDC about how HB is the only way to go. That was of course after her daughter's birth. When I read her original birth story but gut was in knots- something didn't sound right about the way she was contracting and the pain she was experiencing with her 3rd (I think maybe 4th?) child's home birth. You can get a shitty midwife who can change your life forever- negatively. But that's no reason to post warnings in all the due date clubs on MDC about how homebirth risks your baby's life. Cry
Courtney (blog)
IBCLC in training & newly single mama to Ariana 8.31.08 (EBF, ERF & almost an EC grad)
and she said
ruralmama25 · Pass a Note!
Posted 07/13/2010
Courtney, your story reminds me of momofmanyfeet, she is on BBC and she had one successful homebirth and then one where she was 35 weeks and her baby died (my mw would absolutely not deliver a baby that early, I don't know what hers's problem was). So she goes around saying CPMs should be burned at the stake (she literally said that) and that homebirth is awful and she's very nasty about it.
Here's the thing that I think people should be honest with themselves about--birth is risking your baby's life. Not every pregnancy ends in a live baby. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but if you can't deal with that you shouldn't be getting pregnant. I know SO many people with full term or late term losses, mostly hospital but a few homebirths also. Some were iatrogenic, some were unavoidable, some were unexplained. I knew that it was possible DS or I could die simply because I chose to be pregnant (I was and am totally healthy by the way). I personally feel that HB with a trained attendant lowers that risk significantly for both of us, but it's unrealistic to think that every pregnancy and birth are goign to be rainbows and unicorns. But blaming a homebirth for something like a cord accident or a premature baby is just stupid. Those things happen no matter where you are, and some thigns like cord accidents are unavoidable, if a baby gets a knot in their cord, there is no way to prevent that--nothing you can do, it's just a horrible tragedy like being hit by a car.
Mother, wife, and educator--the rest is just details....
Support for Choosing not to Circumcise
and she said
ThrivingforBaby · Pass a Note!
Posted 07/14/2010
*clap clap clap* AMEN ruralmama! Seriously couldn't agree with you more. So many people just don't get that birth - regardless of where you do it - isn't 100%. And they always have to blame someone/something else if it goes wrong.
I'm fat because there's a McDonalds and a Jack in the Box around the corner from my house - it's all their fault. Boo hoo!
Oh suck it! Your fat because YOU EAT THERE - go eat a carrot, drink water and exercise. (So I'm being so general and offensive, but you get the point.)
I really think there are very few actual "accidents" and things that you can't control. Everything else is not someone else's fault. Could you imagine if everyone took responsibility how much fewer lawsuits there would be??
M. ♥ 's S.
Thriving for Baby
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so i said
ecmamaliz · you!
Posted 1 second ago
i would hope you people are kidding about what you are posting about me- but you are not- "you" do not "get" birth , until YOU have YOUR baby die in your hands. it is REALLY easy to talk about infant death as an abstract concept- that yeah some babies are going to die.until you have YOUR baby die- when they would have lived had you not choosen homebirth. MY baby would not have died in the hospital, as much as you would like to comfort yourself by thinking this.
i have never said to anyone ALL homebirths are bad. i have mearly pointed out truths. that you are not as close to the hospital as you think- and that when it is TRUELY an emergency transporting is very difficult- like with a baby's head stuck, or a prolapsed cord, or as your hemmoraging- especially since it takes 8 minutes to bleed to death. not all midwives are created equal. the difference between a CNM and a CPM is the differnce between a MASTERs degree and a GED plus some very easy classes. these are the things i have said- people who i have met ITRW or online who where looking into my midwife i have steered to CNMs here who have very good , long records- i have NEVER tried to convince any of them (and there have been about ten so far) to have a hospital birth, only a safer midwife.
and whoever on here is in my due date club on MDC, i noticed you never said anything to about this problem you have with me- instead you are posting about me else where- heres a tip for you- if you post a link to someones blog- they are going to see where the hit came from- so you are talking about me behind my back- and i can "hear" you.
so thanks for all your kind wishes. i hope all your babys are born healthy and safe, so you can scoff at me and think you in your great supiriority did a much better crunchier job than i.
liz paparella
Liz mama to DS 10, DSS 9, DD6, DS 3, DD (adoption!) 2, and Aquila born still 12/19/09..due with another girl 11/15/10 www.ecmama.blogspot.com
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this is the crap i am talking about. what's making me get more and more turned off from everything i used to think is the holier than thou, natural is always better crud that floods these circles. dosn't matter that i nurse my kids till three...dosn;t matter that all my births have been o natural, dosnt matter that we eat organic, that i cloth diaper and baby wear and cosleep- because i have BROKEN THE TABOO_ i spoke out against the reteric that homebirth is the safest option for mom and baby. it just isn't usually true. sorry, i have never been a person that belives to be considered in the "in group" -this one being "crunchy", one must follow all established rules in said group. and i will tell you a secret- i don't fully buy the left side or the right side of politics either! (gasp, shock!!) i think for myself. if that means people arn't going to like me- tough. it was never about what other people think about me- it is about what God thinks about me.
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11 comments:
Liz,
I cannot believe how you are being treated for your change in views. While people may not agree with your stance, and that is their right, I'm taken aback at how hurtful, childish, gossipy and uncaring these women are. If they stop and think about the very philopsophy they espouse to believe so wholeheartedly in, maybe they would think twice about being so cruel..they believe in a stance of caring for and nurturing women? Yeah, sure.
You know I am just beginning my journey into natural/homebirth.
However, I will NEVER claim to be an expert on the subject, even though I have a diverse birthing experience for 5 other births. I'm only an expert on MY OWN experiences..no matter how much reading/stats or research I do.
My heart still breaks for the loss of your beautiful daughter at the hands of a negligent MW. I am thankful for your braveness and your desire to speak out about your thoughts. It's always a shame when any type of movement or group believes that we must silently walk in lock-step, never questioning or speaking out.
You have every right to have the opinions, feelings and beliefs on birthing that you do..you have every right to speak up and warn others about your concerns. If they were adults, they'd ponder it, and file it in their brains and hearts with the other information they utilize to make decisions-just the way I have.
I'm sorry for your being attacked.
Much love from a sister in Christ.
OMG! I cannot believe people are just posting things about you and your opinions all over the place and then going off on how your opinion is wrong and not the thing to do! I would be furious! You have every right to have your own opinion. What are people thinking??? ((((HUGS)))) I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
Liz, I believe that these people are only trying to silence their own fears and insecurities by attacking you. Surely every woman knows deep down that birth is risky. I don't know a single mom who didn't worry at least SOME about their unborn baby and the whole birthing process. By attacking anyone who doesn't support their choice to home birth they are attempting to comfort themselves and justify their decision to home birth because they KNOW deep down that their baby COULD die too.
I instinctively chose a hospital birth with no interventions for all three of my babies because that is what I FELT would be the safest way to give birth, and my intuitive decision did in fact turn out to be the correct choice for me because all three of my deliveries could have killed me or the baby. I was fortunate to have chosen hospital births, but I don't criticize or insult women who choose home birth, and no one should put down a woman who chooses a hospital birth EVEN IF that decision was a change of view or opinion. LIfe and experience have a way of changing the way we perceive things. Let's hope none of these women find themselves in your position one day.
You know...it's so sad to me when people talk about others without seeing where they have been. I've had 5 births with beautiful outcomes. I've lost 3 pregnancies to miscarriage and twins to stillbirth. My worst birthing experiences were in hospitals. My best ones...were at home. Our last experience of losing our twins, which included me almost dieing from hemorrhaging because our doc didn't know we had a twin left inside of my body after we delivered the other twin stillborn...where he rotted for 5 weeks until my body freaked out...and I died for a moment. wow. Yeah....my midwife wondered about twins, but the doc ruled it out....and he was wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. Your right sweet lady...to be pregnant is to risk death. We try to be careful...we choose our care providers and hope they are all they claim to be. We hope they have the experience they say they have. We hope they can save our lives if needed. We hope they can help us bring our babies home....or keep them home if we've chosen homebirth.
I really have no patience for mama's who smear each other because they have never ever been in the place they are talking about so rudely. You know what can happen. You know how it feels to lose your child. Noone else knows how it was for YOU, and shouldn't profess to know how you "should feel." Not ever. Sending you warmth....
Hold on, so your midwife is incompetent enough that her neglect results in your baby's death, and you're NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT?!?!
What the hell!?
Liz,
I have been lurking on your blog for a few weeks now, and firstly, just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful Aquila. My heart goes out to you and your family.
The way you are being treated in those forums is nothing short of disgusting. I see this often, and it makes me sick to my stomach. It's almost like they all get together to make eachother feel better when they get spooked about someone else's birth that wasn't so "empowering". It helps to quell their insecerities, I guess.
Though I have not lost a child, I can somewhat relate to how you are being treated in the natural birth community.
I used to be a HUGE natural birth/VBAC/homebirth advocate, until the birth of my 2nd child. We had a homebirth (or "HBAC"), and we had a 4 minute shoulder dystocia. My daughter made it, but it could have easily went the other way. And this is why I will never have another homebirth again, or ever feel 100% thrilled for someone planning one. We just came too close. You can "trust birth" all you want, but if all hell breaks loose, there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening to you.
I posted On MDC about the shoulder dystocia, and was told my own "fear" caused it, or I was laying in the wrong position, or my midwife was "meddling" too much. I posted on my blog (here: http://journeytohomebirth-hbac.blogspot.com/2010/07/where-i-stand-now.html) about how my views have changed, and I also saw my post was linked to an unassisted message board. Of course, I got a few snarky comments, on how I MUST have PSTD because I feel the way I do now. *eye roll*
So many birth advocates talk about supporting women; they are hypocrites. How is this support?
I am so sorry you had to deal with this.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think you deserve support and love after what you and your family have been through... not judgement and gossip.
Take Care.
I agree with the PP that you're being treated horribly by these ladies. I have told many other women I know that are contemplating home birth of your story and of how complacent we can become because the "hospital is just around the corner" when like you have shown us, it's not.
Sending you lots of hugs and thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope that some people do learn from it instead of keeping their minds closed and not listening to the truth of your experiences.
Thank you for sharing this! I am hated by the crunchy mothers on BBC and that's fine with me! I know why they don't like me and why they talk shit. We scare them and remind them of what can easily happen to them. It is their insecurities speaking.
Birth MOSTLY goes fine, but sometimes it doesn't. There are risks at home and there are risks at the hospital. Us homebirthers are not being honest if we refuse to see and hear about when things go wrong at home too. So thanks for your story. We read plenty of bad hospital stories and are full of compassion for those women. We also need to have compassion for you, and really hear your story, hopefully learn something, but not be hateful about it.
This doesn't change my mind about homebirth, but I won't be naive about it either, like so many of my friends are naive about hospital birth.
Things can and do go wrong. Hindsight is always 20/20, but all I can say for you is I'm so so sorry for your unbearable loss and I hope you find peace.
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