choices

As soon as i chime in on a thread about what happened to Aquila at my homebirth, inevitably i receive the same sentiments over and over from Crunchier-than-thou homebirth activists. things like these:

bcblondie wrote:
I'm sorry for your loss. But this is not a fair comparison. We all know that being in a carseat is 1000 times safer than not being in one. You can'T really compare the recklessness of not using a carseat, to homebirths.

All they are trying to say is that homebirthers HAVE made an informed choice. They reduced the risk of their baby needing emergency intervention simply by being at home, not having pitocin or an epidural. Being able to relax and not be confined to a bed with IV's and monitors. The labour is much more likely to go smoothly.
But yes. On the other hand. Sometimes things still go wrong. And if that's something you fear or couldn't live with, you should have a hospital birth.
But for me. If my baby had died at my homebirth, I would have STILL KNOWN that I made an informed choice. I would not regret my homebirth. And I would be quite mad at anyone who implied/said outright that I should.


Amber De Sosa Seber 5:26 am
Sadly, a hospital cannot guarantee or even increase the likelihood of a live mom or baby.

Lorna Doone 12:39 pm
I have never had a horrible birth anywhere EXCEPT a hospital (first time) and then two ridiculously simple, easy, rubber-ball-and-eyeball-injury-free births on my own.
And most normal, healthy, mentally stable, physically fit etc., women do NOT need to be sold a surgeon-attended medically and pharmaceutically assisted hospital birth.

LadyJennifer wrote:
As for the original post; babies and mothers die in hospitals too, often because of interventions rather than natural causes.

Also, it is important to take responsibility for your own birth, know the signs of complications like abruption, etc. Mothers are the only ones who really know what's going on in their own bodies (if they listen), and even the most knowledgeable and experienced hcp can make mistakes. The US has some of the highest maternal and neonatal mortality rates in the developed world - and some of the lowest homebirth rates. "

there are so many more "wonderful things" that have been said to me, but they always center on the same themes-

#1 - baby's die in the hospital too, you know!

yes, brilliant! where else do people dismiss a child's death by bringing up other children's deaths than in homebirth loss?
Hospitals are safer. Transporting takes much longer than you would think. I am not "anti-homebirth" because i want people to face the facts. Have a homebirth- fine with me! I also don't care if you want to turn your 8 month old forward facing in his car seat- BUT i DO want you to be aware of the risks. Of course it is your choice, but what kind of choice is one made with half the information?
Me telling my story does not limit your choices. You stifling my story or deleting it, or dismissing it limits everyone's choices, and pushes your agenda!

#2 Yours was a rare tragedy- homebirths are safer . If someone is healthy enough, strong enough, "crunchy" enough, and thinks positively (woo) than this (probably) won't wont happen to them!

OUCH .
SO which was i? Not healthy enough? Not Crunchy enough?
I know why woman gravitate to this response. Reading my story scares the piss out of them, and they need to do what is so very human, scramble around to figure out what i did wrong to prove to themselves that it could not happen to them.
Well, it could. If you understand that homebirth carries 3 times the risk of death to your unborn baby, then you are making an informed choice.

#3 Well your midwife was negligent.My midwife is well trained/ has great references/ answered all my questions well about what she would do in an emergency!

OK, granted- Faith Beltz was very negligent. but why/how was she negligent?
She was not well trained.she was trained under ATM's curriculum

The Texas Department of Health requires midwifery students to have a high school diploma or GED certificate, and current certification in Infant and Adult CPR.

Then, for ATM's curriculum one must read these books. my personal favorites are the two books on homeopathy. don't get me started there.
then the clinical requirements are as follows:

ATMMTP students must complete the following minimum clinical requirements:

1. 10 observations of births, 2 of which must be in an out-of-hospital setting
2. 20 births as an active participant
3. Functioning in the role of Primary Midwife under Supervision:
1. 20 births, including a minimum of the following Continuity of Care requirements:
* 10 births must be with women for whom the student has provided primary care during at least four prenatal visits, birth, newborn exam, and one postpartum exam
* 3 births must be with women for whom the student has provided primary care continuously under the supervision of one preceptor for each woman, beginning no later than 15 weeks GA and to include all prenatal care, birth, newborn exam and at least two postpartum exams at 36hrs.-6weeks (Continuous Continuity of Care)

A maximum of two transports as active participant and two as Primary Midwife under supervision may be included in the above 50 births

4. Functioning in the role of Primary Midwife under Supervision:
1. 20 initial physical exams and 20 histories
2. 75 prenatal exams
3. 20 newborn exams
4. 40 postpartum exams

so, lets compare that with a CNM's training and also an OB's:

CNM: They have gone through 4 years of nursing school plus an additional 2 years for their masters degree which earned them their CNM certification.

OB: goes to medical school and completes residency.

So, w\how knowledgeable is your midwife really?? Faith beltz failed to recognize two very obvious and major complications in my labor, Chorio and Abruption. And here is the kicker----
Faith was and still is an ATM preceptor-meaning she is a teacher for other midwives. this is the training the next generation of CPMs is receiving!

Also My midwife is regulated by a board comprised of her friends. Th ATM board is one in which Faith Beltz holds 3 seats. The Texas midwifery board (who grants licenses and regulates CPMs in Texas) has midwives sitting on its board , who out number all other members. All these midwives have sat or do sit on the ATM board with Faith, or are in high positions at ATM .
so, how do you know that your midwife is well regulated? what do you think will happen if she kills your baby? Does she carry malpractice insurance? If she is a CPM she does not.

and finally, Faith Beltz had all the right things to say . But when the shit hit the fan, she froze.
How are you so sure your midwife will make the right call?
In the hospital there is a TEAM of people caring for you. at home you are in ONE person's hands. Better be sure she is ready for anything that may go wrong!





and about your choices being limited----
sometimes the government regulates things to protect the consumer.like the
USDA and the FDA.
homebirth midwives need more training, more regulation, required ob backup relationships and the requirement to carry malpractice insurance And consumers need more information about homebirth-not just just Woo-filled fantasies.

TRANSCRIPTION

if anyone who reads this knows anyone who does transcription and would be willing to work me a deal, please email me

 

one year gone,

of course today should be filled with laughter and a cake and presents....but instead we will go to a grave stone to lay new flowers and release balloons..

All i can think about is how i chose homebirth, i chose Faith Beltz, and i gave my daughter death. i never had the desire for a time machine until Aquila's death. I would give anything to be able to go back and pick the other midwife(CNM) i interviewed... to say yes when the OB at the hospital (a week before she was born) offered to induce me...to have insisted Faith call 911 instead of trying to put me in the car...
so many regrets.

Today will be the first day Willow will visit her sister's grave.

Happy birthday up in Heaven , baby girl.

my top words of 2010

on Facebook there is this App that finds your most used words for the year from your status updates. here were mine:

My Top Words of 2010
Here are top words from my Facebook status messages!
1:Baby - used 41 times
2:Willow - used 28 times
3:Need - used 26 times
4:Know - used 24 times
5:God - used 21 times
6:Dont - used 20 times
7:Please - used 18 times
8:Night - used 17 times
9:Someone - used 16 times
10:Lord - used 16 times

i was thinking of the myriad of sad poems that could be written from these...sigh

family picture 2010

This is the most complete family photo i could come up with. The bear is Aquila's bear from her funeral.

a year ago

a year ago Aquila was alive, waiting to be born. She was kicking and squirming. In one week it will be a year since she was born, minutes after dying.

i feel like i am walking around , filled to the brim with tears. And, all it takes is a little poke from any little thing to push out a wave of tears.

it's the most wonderful time of the year...except for me

Christmas songs are playing all around. This is season no one can avoid. And before Aquila i would not have a minded a bit. i loved Christmas. Loved everything about it. But now as the music creeps into every space and the red and green decorations coat the landscape i find my self constantly choking back tears, and wanting it to go away. I don't want to re-live last year. Don't want to remember burying my daughter 2 days before Christmas. Going through the motions like a zombie for the kids.
Where is my little girl who should be toddling around in her red velvet dress? Why is she not pulling ornaments off the tree? Ripping paper off the presents? I am not ready to celebrate a year of life without Aquila. What celebration is that? To celebrate the light the world lost?
I know that we should be celebrating the life of Jesus, which was given to all of us on Christmas, but i am stuck in remembering my daughter covered in blood.

on breastfeeding my preemie

Willow is finally off her SNS/Lact-aid . we are breastfeeding wonderfully, and i still pump about 10-12 oz a day to freeze. i think i will be donating it to the milk bank. oh, and Willow is a whopping 8 pounds 7 ozs!

loving Willow, missing Aquila

How does Willow fit into my grief for Aquila?

When Willow was first born I was so afraid of losing her that that was ALL i could focus on. Then as her NICU stay turned into a "grower/feeder" stay, my focus was on breastfeeding. I found bunches of resistance in the NICU (aside from one doctor and a small handful of the nurses and the LC )to me being there almost 24/7 and to my wanting Willow to leave fully breastfeeding. I found out later the nurses were giving me a hard time (and it wasn't all in my head) because of this blog. they had all been reading it and decided basically that i was nuts over the loss of Aquila. But they were so wrong. i would have been just as "annoying" if it had been any of my babies in that NICU. Breastfeeding is very important to me. I could care less if someone else wants to breastfeed their baby-that's none of my concern- but as for me and mine, we like the boob. And, the way i saw it, Willow should have still been in my tummy, so she needed me their to hold her as much as humanly possible. I kept saying- "we are a dyad..we need each other.."
So i had very little time for grieving Aquila, as mostly i was trying to be there 100% for Willow.
i did, however, find myself terribly angry (again) with Faith Beltz. See, the infection that made Willow come early and almost die was the very same bacteria that contributed to Aquila's death. See with Aquila i had a fever in labor. Faith said nothing to the hospital when i was admitted after delivery. Had she said something about the fever, they would have given me IV antibiotics. Later the coroner said Aquila had a Chorio infection, which Faith should have know BEFORE the abruption began. quotes from here :

"Symptoms of chorioamnionitis include fever and tenderness in the uterus. The baby may show signs of infection, such as a fever or a higher-than-normal heart rate.


Symptoms may include:

*
Fever

*
Significant maternal tachycardia

*
Fetal tachycardia

*
Tender or painful uterus

*
A foul odor of the amniotic fluid

*
Maternal leukocytosis
"
"Chorioamnionitis may initiate uteroplacental bleeding or a placental abruption."

According to my OB from Willow's pregnancy this is what happened=
The bacteria that caused the chorio (which likely caused the abruption) was never treated with antibiotics. it continued to live in my uterus, but was kept fairly in check by my strong immune system. however, the week before Willow was born i got the nasty virus that put me in the hospital. that virus lowered my immune system-helping the bacteria to gear up for an attack-which it did.

So, thanks to my midwife's incompetent care i not only lost a baby, but almost lost another one, and was subjected (as was Willow) to a horribly stressful NICU experience. And it was during this stressful NICU stay that Faith slapped me in the face by saying i refused to transfer (complete lie) at the second board meeting - see this post.
so, yeah, Angry does not begin to cover it.

But there was the sweetness of holding Willow all those hours..i needed that..it was what i had yearned for for months. i would try holding other babies, try stroking thier hair to see if it felt like Aquila's, but none ever did..none ever gave me that which i needed so badly...but Willow was mine, my sweet smelling, sliky haired baby. It's like a line from my favorite poem
Propaganda poem: maybe for some young mamas by Alicia Suskin Ostriker

"oh young mamas
no matter what your age is you
are born when you give birth
to a baby you start over
one animal
and both gently just slightly
separated from each other
swaying, swinging
like a vine, like an oriole nest
keep returning to each other
like a little tide, like a little wave
for a little while
better than sex, that bitter honey, maybe
could be the connection you’ve been waiting for
because no man is god, no woman is a goddess
we are all of us spoiled by that time
but a baby
any baby
your baby
is the most perfect human thing you can ever touch
translucent
and I want you to think about touching
and the pleasure of touching
and being touched by this most perfect thing
this pear tree blossom"

I cry mostly at night, when Willow is snuggled by my side, and i am stroking her hair. Because, then i can almost picture Aquila in my arms. Seeing the things Willow does makes me sad for the things Aquila was not able to do... I think it is good that Willow does not look very much like Aquila, because i would not want the moments of flooding grief to catch me unawares.

so tell me...

why are you here reading? what made you first come to my blog and why do you stick around?
Most blogs seem to be in a "Category". you know what category they are by checking their blogrolls- you've got your homeschooling blogs, your food blogs, your adoption blogs ect
This blog has touched on , or gone deeply into several subjects- homeschooling, fostering, homemaking, large family, adoption,Christian faith, baby-loss, and more recently midwife/homebirth rants. But i refuse to define myself into on category..
However, i am interested in knowing what you want to hear more of, and do you have any questions for me? i need some promptings to get off my blogging bottom and post...

liz

cute

willow



sebastian

Putting the Christ back in Christmas

This year my children will not be overloaded with plastic toys made by children in China.
This year our family is giving the money we would have spent on piles of soon-to-break-junk to a family who is bring home this sweet baby girl.
Because all she wants is a mommy and daddy for Christmas.
Because, if she is not adopted she will never own a single toy.
Because, if not adopted she will be transferred to a mental institution at the tender age of 4.

So my sweet children looked through all the sweet faces on the Reece's Rainbow "sponsor a family" page and settled on this sweet girl.
We are helping her get a family for Christmas.

Here is her family's blog. They have a link to where you can donate to the adoption.
or take a look at the Reece's Rainbow Angel Tree where you can donate money to orphan's funds that will 100% go to their adoptions . These donations make it possible for families to commit to these children. AND, for every 35$ you donate you get an ornament with the child's sweet picture on it! we have ornaments from several children from the last two years. They are a favorite of my kiddos.

willow

my days in pictures

all day long, every day (well mostly) i am sitting here, in my spot on the couch. this is my view and what surrounds me. Willow spends about 45 minutes (or more) of every three hours eating and then i pump. the couch and i are well acquainted..



i am using an SNS to supplement replacing the bottles she was taking in order to get out of the NICU. She hates the tube, so if she fights it i use a nipple shield too..sigh
my view looking down.



my rented baby scale.i weigh her before and after each nursing session to ensure she gets enough.



ahhh, faithful old Bessie. always right there in front of me. i see you right in front of me all day. i use you about 8 times every day to make up for Willows inability to empty my breasts.



my books with handy answers to questions like "do i seriously have thrush again?" and " why is my daughter clicking while nursing? "

we are home!

after an exhausting and tiring 5 weeks we are home with baby Willow! I have no time for blogging yet as all my time is spent feeding, pumping and caring for Willow- and my other kiddos....but it is a great thing!

there is nothing in this world sweeter than a new baby snuggled in your arms.

spiritual growth always comes from suffering

Please go listen to this sermon from cornerstone church here and scroll down and click on "the grace of pain" 2/3/08
He hits the nail on the head. Very eloquently, this pastor sums up my thoughts on the subject of pain/suffering and how a loving God can allow it.
My pastor at my church leaves this subject with the simple idea that God allows free will and we hurt each other. But that doesn't explain things like earthquakes, Job, or babies dying...
No one who thinks long enough can doubt that God allows pain to occur in the lives of people , even his followers (think Job).
And this is where most people get hung up... HOW can a loving God allow this pain?? Why did my house burn down? Why I am sick with cancer? Why is my baby dead?
And we expect God to explain the Why to us. Give us a good reason. Like we deserve an explanation.
But God does not owe us anything. Everything we have from our very breath was handed to us. You worked hard for the job you got laid off from? Who gave you the brains/strength /opportunities to get that job in the first place?
As Job said in Job 2
10 But Job replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” So in all this, Job said nothing wrong.

Here is the key-
God never promises us a pain free, comfortable life. Quite the opposite. Over and over the Bible says that we will suffer, especially those who follow Christ.
What we are promised is that God will never leave our side. That we are never alone. And, that
I consider our present sufferings insignificant compared to the glory that will soon be revealed to us. -Romans 8:18
And the truth is God cares much, much more about the state of our hearts and about his glory than he does about our comfort.
Comfort does not create growth.
I never understood the depth or intensity of God's love before Aquila died. How alive his word was, until i clung to it to keep from drowning. How true his promises were. I had a "peace that surpasses all understanding" .
I experienced JOY , which is only truly experienced inside of suffering- because JOY has nothing to do with happiness. It is a spring that bubbles up strait from God and is not only completely separate from our circumstances- but occurs in spite of them.
If you truly want to know God, if you want to feel him and Know him, know that the road to that is a pinful one- BUT IT IS WORTH EVERY TRIAL. He is worth it.
and remember
"And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”"
Job 1:21

Willow updates

I have been busy..very busy- holding my baby. my day consists of waking at 7 am to pump, scarfing down some oatmeal and packing my stuff and heading out the door. I drive to NICU and spend the next 9 hours there, holding Willow and trying to breastfeed her. I pump every two hours during the day, usually with her in my lap. i then go home at 5pm to eat dinner with my family. i come back up to the NICU after shift change at 7:30 pm and stay till about 10pm. Then i drive home in a daze, pump and sleep for 4 hours, till i need to pump again.
but every minute is worth it. i could hold her 24 hours a day. i hate putting her down and driving away.

So, as far as her progress. She started off on a CPAP machine which blew air into her lungs under pressure. She had all feeds by IV and was on IV antibiotics for 10 days. She was jaundiced (put under Billi lights).She had to stay under a radiant heat warmer in just a diaper to maintain her temp. She blew out IVs like most people change socks- 10 (or more??) IVs placed in 10 days....
She had multiple apnea spells and heart rate dips, for which they put her on oral caffeine. She had one dose of surfactant to lubricate her lungs. She had a spinal tap and countless blood draws.
She dropped from her birth weight (4 pounds) down to about 3pounds 14 ozs.

Now,at 16 days , Willow is rocking the NICU. She has done better, faster than anyone predicted.

She is over her birth weight (4 pounds, 1 and 1/2 oz). no more IV antibiotics or feeds. no infection. no more breathing apparatuses. She is breathing room air without help. She has been taken off the caffeine and we are waiting to make sure her heart rate stays steady. She is fed through a tube in her nose. My milk supply has risen to enough for two Willows!
She has been trying at the breast all week and has had two real swallowing feeds there (yesterday and today)

She has moved into a regular infant bed and is wearing (tiny) clothes.

Like i said, she is a rock star!

All she needs to do to come home is learn to eat for all her feeds and continue gaining weight and keeping her heart rate steady.

So any prayers towards those goals would be welcomed!

God is good and everything he does is good. Thank you Lord!

how the CPMs (lay midwives) made fools of themselves yesterday

first off i am sorry if you are a CPM and not a fool- there are plenty out there. But unfortunately for you you profession is riddled with childish, flaky and down right idiotic behavior.

yesterday was another midwifery review board meeting. For a refresher- the midwifery complaint review board is the only overseeing entity here in Texas for CPMs. CNMs are regulated under the nursing board, which i imagine is nothing like the board to which i am referring.
Months ago i submitted a complaint to the Texas midwifery complaint board- lets call them TMCB for the rest of the post. Since lay midwives don't carry malpractice insurance this was my only recourse against Faith Beltz, the lay midwife who's mistakes allowed the death of my daughter. June 21st my case was heard. i wrote a little about it here. At the time i did not want to elaborate on what happened because i was hoping to be able to argue for them to do more, and frankly, i was in shock due the unprofessional behavior i witnessed.
Last time it took 4 grueling hours of rehashing my story to three midwives, and three other board members. Two of the midwives have sat on another board to which Faith holds three positions.
here are the TMCB members
here are the members for the ATM, association of Texas midwives.
ATM sells the curriculum for CPMs to graduate.
of the three midwives two of them were
Sylyna Kennedy (the chair of the TMCB)
she is an A.T.M. Member: Associate, Lifetime
she used to be on the ATM board
she wrote the curriculum that ATM uses to train new midwives- Faith trained under this curriculum (the worse Faith looks, the worse Sylyna looks, since she wrote the curriculum Faith was trained with)
and
Janet Dirmeyer
she was an ATM board member for about ten years
she is an ATM member associate and and ATM preceptor

So now, tell me how these midwives can judge Faith unbiasedly seeing as Faith hold's three positions on the board they are so tied to?
They can't.
The last meeting had Sylyna winking at, and smiling at Faith. She even went as far as to say very early in the hearing "we all know you are a good midwife Faith". I am sorry, but that was the topic up for review, so NO we did not all know she was a good midwife. And, by the end of the last board meeting it was VERY clear she was not a "good" midwife. She was a midwife who made TONS of mistakes, not just one.
One of the guys on the TMCB hearing my case (i am told he is/was a lawyer) named Andrew MacLaurin told Faith if this had been a court case she would have been "torn up and down"
During the meeting there was about 20 or so midwives and supporters of Faith there. they were eating loudly, talking during the whole thing and one even brought in a toddler who was screeching during the meeting. HOW professional.
The crowd went as far as to BOO when the board gave Faith a 500$ fine for never giving me info about the board and HIPPa info to sign during the pregnancy.
For killing my baby she received probated suspension. She is allowed to practice, but not alone and she has to turn in her records and protocols to the board for review.
Well she chose to not sign the NOV (notice of violation), meaning she wanted to come back and argue her "punishment". Hence the second meeting yesterday.
I was not able to go, due to me being in the hospital here with Willow. But, Gabe, Amy and Bethany went in my place. All three were at the birth.
What happened in the case before mine was a midwife lost her license for not turning in birth certificates. YES, you read that right. a midwife lost her license for not turning in birth certificates, but Faith kept her license even after being responsible for an infant death.
Then came my case. Faith wanted to argue all 4 counts (my friend was sitting behind her when she was saying this). She got up there and started on the first one and the board didn't have any of that. they stuck to their original ruling.
YAY
not good enough, but better than nothing!
Then the case after mine? Another abruption. this time the baby lived but is brain damaged. the midwife only received probated suspension also. And these poor parents have no recourse to pay for the lifetime care of a severely disabled child due to the midwife not carrying malpractice insurance. NICE
So, on to some of the ways midwives make fools of themselves.
One midwife ran out after my friend Amy to tell her to ask "whoever is writing that blog that is bashign midwives and Faith Beltz to just stop" .
my friend said..uhhh , lots of people write blogs and i have no control over what anyone writes! Plus why on earth is she so worried about my little blog?
Another midwife stood up during the proceedings to shout about how Amy was lying about Faith having her stuff packed up when Aquila was born. She said "how come there are pictures of her with a bulb syringe?" (referring to my blog of course)
here, let me answer that for you sweety!
Faith did have all her equipment packed in the trunk. When Aquila was born Faith had nothing but her mouth to suck the blood from aquilas mouth/nose. She then tossed her keys to my photographer and told her to get the blue bag from her trunk. Then Katie Jo (photographer) brought the bag, Faith started using the syringe, then the Dilee. Only after giving her the bag was KJ able to snap the one picture i have of aquila from the birth (the bulb syringe one)



and finally an open letter to Faith Beltz C.P.M. -

Seriously Faith, seriously? You wanted to argue all these counts? You seriously think you deserve nothing for what you did? And on top of everything to LIE repeatedly , saying i refused a transfer? You are completely full of it. you should be ashamed to be adding insult to injury. Don't tell me you "think about Aquila every day" . I live an aching, bleeding memory to my daughter every day. If you had made different choices, she would be snuggled at my breast right now, but instead she buried in the ground. How can you live with yourself and argue the slap on the hand you received? it is truly deplorable.

the birth of Willow Grace

As i previously posted, i was hospitalized Labor day weekend with a fever of unknown origin.My OB did a whole slew of tests, but nothing came up and i started getting better so i was allowed to go home. Ruled -unknown virus... Then all week after coming home i continued to feel completely run down and on Mon the 13th i spiked a fever again. I called my OB the next morning when the fever hadn't gone and she got me right in for an appointment. After looking me over she determined best course of action was to admit me to the hospital again so they could do even more tests.
I went strait over and got tested in a bazillion ways. Finally at about 7pm my perinatologist came in and did a scan and talked to me about doing an amniocentesis. she was worried about a occult Chorio infection. OUCH - amnios hurt!!!!
The results from the amnio did not come back till about 10 am the next morning. By this time i had had several more test run , including an MRI. My doctor came and talked to me and said the amnio was showing signs of an infection in between the wall of the uterus and the amniotic sac. it was only a matter of time before bacteria invaded the sac and the only cure for Chorio is delivery, so we started Pictocin at about 11 am.
I was feeling totally emotionally raw and still physically sick, so i made a plan to get an epidural when my labor was strong- especially because i could not move well since i had an IV on a pump, a blood pressure cuff, a pulse ox, and the contraction and heart rate monitors.
Willow was very hard to keep on the monitor and the toko (contraction monitor ) was almost never reading my contraction. This made it impossible to even bounce on the birth ball, so i labored for the 13 hours in the bed on my back.
When my water broke there was lots of blood, which had everyone worried- but my Doctor's partner (by then my doc was off shift ) said we could wait it out since Willows heart rate had continued to be perfect in every way. She offered that if i wanted a Csection she would give me one, but she did not mind waiting. She did recommend me getting an epidural in case there was any problem so we could cut quickly. That was fine with me , since i already wanted one!
the anesthesiologist came in and gave me the epidural - again with the OUCH - those things HURT to get! Well, it worked for about an hour and a half. then half my uterus was feeling the contractions perfectly. He came in the readjust, but that didn't fix it. The only thing else he could do was re-do it and i was not up for that because it hurt the first time and contractions were so often i did not think i could hold still. Within several contractions the epidural was completely gone and i was having to moan quite loudly. This was about 11 pm.
About 11:30-11:40 ish the nurse checked me and said she thought i was an 8. So i said that we should head over to the OR - we were delivering in the OR because it has the stabilization room for the preemies connected to it. She argued with me that it would take a while to get to complete.blah blah blah. i told her is i were to get off my bed and walk to the bathroom i could squat and deliver the baby. So, we went to the OR ! LOL .

my good friend Emily

We got in there and the Doc wanted to check me. She said , "oh no, she's only 5-6!" and left the room. I said "hell no this baby is coming out. I had three contractions in a row with no stop .At the end the nurse said to stop bearing down or i was going to swell my cervix. I said "it's funny, they always say that, and i still always do it and it never does". Then i grabbed the rail of the bed on my right side and pulled my self onto my side and up higher on the bed and with the next contraction she was coming down. I said "she's coming out now" The nurse said that she couldn't be and she wanted to check me. I said "no. i am pooping. her head is coming out now."She stuck her hand inside me as the head was coming down and said " stop pushing!" i screamed "get your hand out of my vagina!" and pushed her out-onto the still-not-broken-down-bed. Everyone was fumbling around like chickens with there heads cut off (NICU staff ect). The nurse only had one glove on, so she didn't want to pick Willow up, so my friend (who happens to be an LnD nurse in another city) Hand her to me. Willow was screaming bloody murder and pink and beautiful. Everyone must have been completely floored because they tried cutting the cord and sprayed blood all over my fave, hair and gown. Then the doctor walked in.


apparently , when a multipara says her baby is coming out , her baby is coming out, cause the Doctor had only left the OR about 3, or 4 minutes before!
And i have still not had a doctor deliver a baby, LOL, even though i wanted one to! And even though i wanted to have a nice pain-free delivery- i had another natural birth- and frankly was pretty pissed about it during the labor!

I was laughing within minutes of the birth because of how funny it was was :)

Willow Grace Paparella

Baby Willow Grace came into this world, pink and screaming just before midnight last night, Sept 15th (exactly 2 months early/31 weeks). She is in the NICU but doing great so far. please pray for her heath, breathing and a speedy recovery!

stopping time

i just spent 5 days being very sick, three of them in the antepartum unit at the hospital. Suffice it to say that i was medical mystery for my stay and they never did figure out what exactly made me sick in the first place. But i am on the mend, with orders to stay in resting mode.
The thing is I never do resting mode very well. I am perpetually in motion. Always taking on more and , for the most part, thriving on that. Losing Aquila gave me even more incentive to keep going, to move, to stay focused on anything that would keep my mind off her. Because, being pregnant again brings so many trip wires that flood me with regret and sorrow and anger and burning grief.
Laying there, in my hospital bed, contracting, i had the clearest realization. I heard baby girls heartbeat thumping away and i thought, "i could really lose her too".
And that was huge.
`Yes, all of us babyloss moms know we can lose another baby, and that thought is terrifying. But, i think for me, that thought was not real as in a possible future. it was tangled up in my thoughts and feelings with Aquila that this baby, baby Willow, was not really a part of that potential story. She wasn't fully separate in my mind i guess.
But all that fever-pain-delirium time in the hospital my mind was focused on Willow. On the way she kicks, on her heartbeating, on trying to make her watery home a safe one again.
I think God needed to show me something here. I do a lot of "good" things. Things God has called me to do. But just because he has called me to do these things, does not mean i must do them everyday until i wear out every part of my life and health.
Right before being admitted to the hospital i was contemplating whether or not to keep our license updated for fostering. This would involve many training hours, as we are behind. It would also at some point involve actually getting a kid, perhaps before this one is born.
Reading this you are going- was/is Liz crazy?!
The answer is YES apparently. But i have had a big stop sign put in front of me, so now i get it. Even though fostering was doing something for me since Aquila's death (giving something else to focus on), it was not nessarily God's plan for me right now. God lets us do what we want , and he works everything together for good- but now its time to listen to what he does want for me. I am hearing " slow down. prepare you heart for this baby. grieve Aquila "

and so that, my friends, is what i am going to do.

the uphill battle

i am in the middle of writing so many letters, responding to requests for news articles, and preparing for the second go at the Midwifery review board that my head is spinning!
i just hope i can get my story across truthfully and successfully!

i had no idea i would ever be one of those political people...lol..until i was thrust into the middle of a hornets nest.

it would be so much easier to just turn away and shut my mouth, but that would not be standing up for my daughter, or protecting the countless numbers of babies to be born.

God, help me!

they have a very short time to raise a lot of money!

this lovely family (who i have become quite attached to reading about) is nearing the end of their adoption journey of two sweet baby girls with Down's syndrome from Eastern Europe. they are inches away from holding those little girls in their arms, and keeping them from a life in a mental institution...however they are still 10,000$ away from the amount they need to complete their adoption. At this point, if God doesn't step in and do something big they will loose those little girls, and those little girls will lose them.

i don't know what , if anything you can offer to help- but if there ever was a moment when money could fix a lot of hurt, this is it.
please go here
the Parkers

end of teens for now

our teen foster daughter had decided to leave, as she feels our rules are too restrictive. Frankly, i am relived. i was beginning to get completely stressed out doing this (fostering a teen mom). i just need some space to prepare for this baby and get my household in order--without tons of drama....

so, there you have it. no more teen moms- for now

aquila's reborn doll

ok it has taken me months to complete this...mainly because i have been pregnant and overwhelmed. but i wanted to do a reborn of Aquila. This is my best shot, hope you enjoy...

A Different Child
A Poem

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you,
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once a different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.
That child will never keep them up at night.
In fact, that child will never be of any trouble at all
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on Earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here
Because my mother tried again."

Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan

faces like these

take a look at these beautiful babies- in their home countries they will be shipped to mental institutions at the tender age of 4. All of these sweet babies have down syndrome and are available for adoption. consider opening your heart!
go here to learn more about these little ones, or explore Reece's Rainbow to learn about so many other cuties!!

wow

7 months

well it has been another month.it is strange because on one hand i rejoice at each passing month, as it brings me closer to holding the baby in my tummy (hopefully),but it is also very sad because it brings me one month further away from Aquila.

i am hitting brick walls and running low on steam in the sphere of fighting this injustice...

the things i want to do over the next few years are not the same things my husband wants...

i am feeling down, can you tell?

oh feel the love- insert sarcasm

warning- grumpy post aheadd- read at your own risk!

i had hits, many hits, coming to my blog from some crunchy birth group on babycenter- so head on over to read this

BabyChappell'sMommy · Pass a Note!
Posted 07/13/2010

i think a lot of moms start ignoring their gut instincts when they're so gung ho to do things a certain way. I think part of hombirthing, and of course especially free birthing, is tuning into your baby and your body. The story that's all over the place on MDC... hang on let me go get it to link her blog.

ok here's the original birth story she wrote after her baby was born still:
http://ecmama.blogspot.com/2009/12/aquilas-birth-story.html

and the one she wrote recently after taking the midwife to court and chewing on it for a while:
http://ecmama.blogspot.com/2010/06/whole-story-tragic-homebirth-of-aquila_21.html

She is in her 3rd trimester of her first baby since her baby's still birth and is going with an OB and a hospital birth! She was such a HB advocate and her SN brings up tons of threads on MDC about how HB is the only way to go. That was of course after her daughter's birth. When I read her original birth story but gut was in knots- something didn't sound right about the way she was contracting and the pain she was experiencing with her 3rd (I think maybe 4th?) child's home birth. You can get a shitty midwife who can change your life forever- negatively. But that's no reason to post warnings in all the due date clubs on MDC about how homebirth risks your baby's life. Cry

Courtney (blog)

IBCLC in training & newly single mama to Ariana 8.31.08 (EBF, ERF & almost an EC grad)

and she said

ruralmama25 · Pass a Note!
Posted 07/13/2010

Courtney, your story reminds me of momofmanyfeet, she is on BBC and she had one successful homebirth and then one where she was 35 weeks and her baby died (my mw would absolutely not deliver a baby that early, I don't know what hers's problem was). So she goes around saying CPMs should be burned at the stake (she literally said that) and that homebirth is awful and she's very nasty about it.

Here's the thing that I think people should be honest with themselves about--birth is risking your baby's life. Not every pregnancy ends in a live baby. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but if you can't deal with that you shouldn't be getting pregnant. I know SO many people with full term or late term losses, mostly hospital but a few homebirths also. Some were iatrogenic, some were unavoidable, some were unexplained. I knew that it was possible DS or I could die simply because I chose to be pregnant (I was and am totally healthy by the way). I personally feel that HB with a trained attendant lowers that risk significantly for both of us, but it's unrealistic to think that every pregnancy and birth are goign to be rainbows and unicorns. But blaming a homebirth for something like a cord accident or a premature baby is just stupid. Those things happen no matter where you are, and some thigns like cord accidents are unavoidable, if a baby gets a knot in their cord, there is no way to prevent that--nothing you can do, it's just a horrible tragedy like being hit by a car.

Mother, wife, and educator--the rest is just details....

Support for Choosing not to Circumcise

and she said

ThrivingforBaby · Pass a Note!
Posted 07/14/2010

*clap clap clap* AMEN ruralmama! Seriously couldn't agree with you more. So many people just don't get that birth - regardless of where you do it - isn't 100%. And they always have to blame someone/something else if it goes wrong.

I'm fat because there's a McDonalds and a Jack in the Box around the corner from my house - it's all their fault. Boo hoo!

Oh suck it! Your fat because YOU EAT THERE - go eat a carrot, drink water and exercise. (So I'm being so general and offensive, but you get the point.)

I really think there are very few actual "accidents" and things that you can't control. Everything else is not someone else's fault. Could you imagine if everyone took responsibility how much fewer lawsuits there would be??

M. ♥ 's S.

Thriving for Baby
Report this Ignore user Post a comment

so i said


ecmamaliz · you!
Posted 1 second ago

i would hope you people are kidding about what you are posting about me- but you are not- "you" do not "get" birth , until YOU have YOUR baby die in your hands. it is REALLY easy to talk about infant death as an abstract concept- that yeah some babies are going to die.until you have YOUR baby die- when they would have lived had you not choosen homebirth. MY baby would not have died in the hospital, as much as you would like to comfort yourself by thinking this.

i have never said to anyone ALL homebirths are bad. i have mearly pointed out truths. that you are not as close to the hospital as you think- and that when it is TRUELY an emergency transporting is very difficult- like with a baby's head stuck, or a prolapsed cord, or as your hemmoraging- especially since it takes 8 minutes to bleed to death. not all midwives are created equal. the difference between a CNM and a CPM is the differnce between a MASTERs degree and a GED plus some very easy classes. these are the things i have said- people who i have met ITRW or online who where looking into my midwife i have steered to CNMs here who have very good , long records- i have NEVER tried to convince any of them (and there have been about ten so far) to have a hospital birth, only a safer midwife.


and whoever on here is in my due date club on MDC, i noticed you never said anything to about this problem you have with me- instead you are posting about me else where- heres a tip for you- if you post a link to someones blog- they are going to see where the hit came from- so you are talking about me behind my back- and i can "hear" you.

so thanks for all your kind wishes. i hope all your babys are born healthy and safe, so you can scoff at me and think you in your great supiriority did a much better crunchier job than i.

liz paparella

Liz mama to DS 10, DSS 9, DD6, DS 3, DD (adoption!) 2, and Aquila born still 12/19/09..due with another girl 11/15/10 www.ecmama.blogspot.com
Report this Post a comment · Edit · Delete

this is the crap i am talking about. what's making me get more and more turned off from everything i used to think is the holier than thou, natural is always better crud that floods these circles. dosn't matter that i nurse my kids till three...dosn;t matter that all my births have been o natural, dosnt matter that we eat organic, that i cloth diaper and baby wear and cosleep- because i have BROKEN THE TABOO_ i spoke out against the reteric that homebirth is the safest option for mom and baby. it just isn't usually true. sorry, i have never been a person that belives to be considered in the "in group" -this one being "crunchy", one must follow all established rules in said group. and i will tell you a secret- i don't fully buy the left side or the right side of politics either! (gasp, shock!!) i think for myself. if that means people arn't going to like me- tough. it was never about what other people think about me- it is about what God thinks about me.

Proverbs 24:11-12 (The Message)
"Rescue the perishing; don't hesitate to step in and help.
If you say, "Hey, that's none of my business," will that get you off the hook?
Someone is watching you closely, you know— Someone not impressed with weak excuses."

for those interested in adopting

i just read this about the adoption tax credit!


> For 2010, the maximum credit is increased to $13,170 per eligible child.
This applies to all adoptions, special needs or not. In addition, the credit is
now refundable, meaning that families can actually receive the full tax credit
in the form of a refund, even if they owe zero taxes. The adoption tax credit
increase was scheduled to terminate at the end of 2010, but is now extended to
the end of 2011.

who ho!

Please Hear Me Someone.,....

i have posted about this before..but never get much response, which saddens me. this is something near and dear to my heart.
Children with special needs born in countries such as Russia, Seria, and Ukraine... These children are born into a society with NO support services (ECI, medical care, therapy)There parents are encouraged to put them into orphanages at birth. They spend the next 3-5 years there- which if you know anything about international adoption from these countries, you would know is nothing short of a sad sad childhood. After 3- they age out of these "baby houses" and are moved to mental institutions where the spend the rest of their lives.. If they survive, there lives are nothing but neglect. please watch this video, but keep kleenex handy..


It is that bad people.

so maybe you are reading this thinking that " that is sad and all, but we can't/don't want to adopt for XYZ reason...."
fine i get that..adoption is not for everyone. adopting a child with special needs is not for everyone. But if you call yourself a Christian you are called to provide for and protect widows and orphans in their distress
these orphans are in distress, no doubt. and there are people trying to adopt them, give them new lives in FAMILIES who LOVE them! PLEASE PLEASE go here
to sponsor a committed family
or here
to sponsor a specific child

Reece's Rainbow is an adoption ministry (not an agency) that help these children get into homes... 100% of your donation is tax deductible and goes entirely to the child's adoption costs.

and please respond to this post- i want to know if anyone cares that i am posting this....

here is the family i am sponsoring right now, and i have sponsored several children in the last two years. i put my money where my mouth is..do you?

poem

The first week of grief- by the numbers

One: large box of chocolates

Two: the hour of the morning in which you will always awake, plauged by fresh sorrow

Three: large boxes of lotion Kleenex

Four: thousand dollars in funeral expenses

Five: living children keeping you alive with their aliveness, yet all the while suffocating you with their neediness

Six: children you were supposed to have; perfectly 3 girls, three boys

Seven: days, months, years; it never changes and you are always gone.

maybe getting somewhere

i have been working my butt off to get records so i can put together all the pieces, and take it one step further. it looks like i will be getting a tape of the hearing- which i would love to share some of the tidbits to it to all of you- i just want to make sure i get every word right.

meanwhile i have figured out why most mamas who lose there baby due to a " homebirth death " don't do all this... why they just try to forget..even when it was clearly an avoidable death.
oh, and i am preparing myself for the flames that may follow from this post...

1. when a woman plans a homebirth, she is surrounded by a community-whether it be online or ITRW or both- who fully believe in and support the ideologies of homebirth. When her baby dies, she is told it would have died in a hospital too. i have been told this more times than can count. If she dares to question this- she must prepare for backlash. At the review hearing for my midwife (to which i filed the complaint to open the investigation) the room was full of her supporters. they did not speak to me, only glared-even people i knew. these people actually BOOed and shouted when the board handed her a $500 fine. it was beyond humiliating. i have lost friends, and facebook friends, and family. i found out i am THE ONLY mom to show up to one of these! However, i am not the only mom to lose their baby to a midwife mess up...

2. In order to wrap your head around the fact that your baby could have lived you have to realize someone you have had a very close relationship with (midwife) could be at fault. This is very hard, much easier to pretend like "it was meant to be". Having to fully process everything about my birth has been the most difficult journeys of my life. Frankly, most people are not emotionally strong enough - especially after losing a baby.

3. woman who chose a homebirth, especially ones who chose it in spite of know risk factors (breech, twins ect) are going to be too busy blaming themselves and their choices to look at their care provider. Either that, or they have accepted the risk and the outcome that came from accepting that risk and they have settled it with the thought that" i knew this could happen. I made my choice"

the truth

I don't feel i can go into much detail as to what occurred at the board meeting. Suffice it to say Faith Beltz received only a slap on the hand, although the board did say that she "skewed up", did not have adequate knowledge, and made poor judgment calls.
I know since the board this is not (by far) the first time this has happened (with the board, not Faith), and i know i am the first parent to show up to one of these to speak out against a midwife (although not the first to file a complaint). And, i know why- Emotionally doing so is like putting yourself through the ringer, only to be humiliated and belittled. I would have been so much easier to just leave it, and move on.
BUT

i have been told a few things about myself:
one that i am persistent
two that i have high expectations of myself and others

Another thing i can tell you about myself- i love the truth. Even as a child i was terrible at lying. As an adult it became abhorrent to me.

Anyone who might think i will take this as the end, lay down, and roll over- does not know me very well.

I will leave that at that.

wow. i need to do some weeding.

my dear blogger friend Maggie posted this today and it floored me. this is so what i need to do right now....


Dealing with the reality of changing relationships after your child dies.
Written by Kristi Sagrillo
A wise gardener once told me that if you want a beautiful garden to grow you must weed it from time to time. Weeding for any gardener, whether it’s a small flower pot on the front porch or a gorgeous flower garden in the backyard is an assumed task and occasionally just has to be done. However, if you neglect to prune the weeds they will eventually begin to overcrowd or, worse yet, become invasive and try and take over your entire garden.

After the death of my son, I began to apply this same logic to my own life.

On November 7, 2005 my son Alex was stillborn; I was 37 weeks pregnant with him. He was perfect and healthy, except for the twisted umbilical cord that cut off his oxygen supply. Alex was a beautiful 8 pound 21 inch baby boy. Up until this point in time, my “life garden”, as I will affectionately refer to it, was perfect. Or, so it seemed. But on that date, and from that time forward, everything was different. My life garden had been devastated. There were no more blooming flowers; they had all been drowned by the tears that showered down upon them. Those first few weeks after Alex’s death were very surreal. Nothing mattered any longer. Life had continued to go on around me and I felt like I was helplessly watching a horrible movie unfold before my eyes and I couldn’t find the door to escape.

Soon the weeks turned into months and I had noticed that my life garden had a small number of flowers that had weathered the storm. Of course, the black cloud was ever-present and it still rained sporadically, but it was not raining quite as hard or as long as it did those first few months. My husband and living children were still there, they had always been there I just couldn’t see them until the rain had subsided. And new flowers began to sprout up - flowers that I had never planted or maybe never noticed before. These new friends and past acquaintances were now offering me their genuine love and support and would become the flower border surrounding my life garden. The support they gave me and continue to give me is cherished, now and forever.

As my garden began to slowly grow back, so did the weeds. At first I didn’t have the energy or the strength to pick them so I just ignored them. But eventually they were beginning to suck the life right out of me. I was struggling with how to cope after the death of my son as well as what it meant to me and how his death would define me forever. There were family members and numerous friends (too many to count) that could not or would not grant me the space or the respect to figure this out. I did not understand why they could not offer me their support, after all they were there for me in the past, right? They had been there before when I needed them, what was so different this time?

It was the death of my child that was different. I had changed overnight but they had not. I was not that same person any longer and they wanted the “old” me back. They wanted everything to go back to “normal”. But this was the new me and my life had taken a different path and this was a journey they did not want to take with me. My grief had suddenly shifted from grief for my son to anger towards them and I was going down a very dangerous road. I had veered off my path of grief and was headed down the winding road of hate and rage. My world was spinning out of control and I needed to reclaim it. I realized that my focus needed to be on my son if I was going to move through this grief process in a healthy way. It would have been very easy to shut out everyone. But what I needed to do was to remove any outside forces that were preventing me from my journey.

So began the weeding process. There were the co-workers who would avoid me if they saw me coming their way as if they could “catch” my bad luck like the common cold. On the outside they looked like flowers, but it quickly became apparent that they were indeed weeds. They would be easily plucked from my garden because their roots did not go very deep. It was the weeds that I had ignored for too long that took more energy to pull. Their roots were deep and in some cases were connected to other noxious weeds. Pulling one meant pulling two or more along with it. Those were the seemingly close friends that never called, never offered their support; it was like they disappeared from our life after the memorial service.

But it was the family members that hurt the most. The ones you would expect to be there for you. The verbal attacks and insensitive comments like, “When are you going to move on?”, “Shouldn’t she be over this, it’s been 3 months?”, “She should be grateful she has two living children” (Like one can be swapped out for another!) The last straw for me was when family members questioned my parenting abilities towards my two living children, this only 4 months after Alex’s death. Evidently, I had allowed my children to make faces at the adults and this caused them great pain and disrespect towards them. Hmm…sounds like a great reason to attack my parenting skills.

Initially, the shock of finally removing them from my life stung, but if my garden was going to continue to grow it simply had to be done. I gave myself permission to do this and coupled with that permission was the power I needed to gain control over my life once again.

I continue to weed my garden but it isn’t needed as frequently anymore. I am stronger now and more attentive and am able to pluck any weeds before they even have a chance to touch the soil. I am planting new flowers everyday and watering the ones I have. Every now and again the thunderstorms roll in but I have realized that my garden needs the rain and the sun in order to continue flourishing.





~~ i have this growing , burning desire to start fresh in my life. move away. have a new beginning.please pray for our family as we (hopefully) get closer to this being a possibility.

the whole story. the tragic homebirth of Aquila

i want to say a few things before i start- one is i left out some things from this..things that are in the other birth story. i don't like repeating myself. The other thing is this is only MY version of what happened. i spent thousands of hours thinking about this and how to write it all out. i am trying my hardest to be 100% truthful-but of course i am human and this cannot include the other people at my birth's experiences. other things were for sure going on, but i didn't catch everything (since i was in the worst pain of my life). I have heard certain facts from others at my birth that make it even worse (making the midwife seem even more at fault), but i did not include these. only what i can remember.




The week before: December 10th 2009

i went in the morning to the last bible study meeting of the year. about halfway through i started getting contractions and feeling very cold. i left early, gathered kids and drove us home. i got home and could not make it past the couch, the contractions were bad and i was shivering. i called Gabe, and turned on the TV. i went up to take a hot shower. the hot water ran out after i had been in there for what seemed to be a very short time , but must have been quite long.i turned off the water, but could not stop shaking enough to get a towel. just then Gabe came in the bathroom and wrapped me up in one. i remember my teeth were chattering like crazy.
We called Amy (best friend and doula)who came right over. this started the -fill the tub, bring labor tea, rub back labor support from both of them. Amy took my temp, which was over 102. she called the midwife - Faith Beltz, who came over soon after. By the time Faith got there the contractions had puttered out. She listened to fetal heart tones, which were 190-200. She said this was caused(probably) by the fever, and she wanted to make sure i did not have a bacterial infection. So, she drew blood for a CBC and left to take it in.
four hours later the numbers were in. The numbers were confusing for Faith, so we went into the hospital. they decided i have a virus, not the flu, and that my Keytones were VERY high. this was caused by me getting dehydrated from the fever, and the high keytones where irritating my uterus, causing the contractions. the had me eat and drink , and the doctor offered an induction, which i said no thanks. he smiled and said it was fine with him, i should have a great homebirth.
i spent the next three days in bed recovering.

The Day Before: Dec 18th 2009

i was 3 days overdue and miserable, so i took Castor oil in the morning (2T). This produced it's designed effect , but no contractions, but i was sure i would go into labor that night. I laid a water proof pad on my bed and went to sleep.

Labor: December 19th 2009

midnight on the dot my eyes opened. i thought "why am i awake?". Then a i felt a pop, followed by a gush. I felt so relieved i had put down that pad! i waited for the gushes to subside so i could waddle to the bathroom and grab a pad. I texted Faith and Amy to tell them my water broke.i was having contractions every 5 minutes, and was very excited, so i played on the computer till about 4am. Then i decided that nothing much was happening, so i should try to sleep. surprisingly i fell right asleep and slept in till 6am.
a while after i awoke, i called Faith to check in, and went about my morning.
By 11am contractions are regular and Amy had come over , along with Yoshimi, a hair braider. I bounced on the birth ball while she braided my hair and told me about births in Japan. Amy and i joked.
11:45 am i called Faith to tell her i was getting in the tub because the contractions were too strong for me. we call the photographer Katie jo who comes out to capture the labor and birth.


We also call my dear friend Bethany to watch the children (because they are coming in every few minutes to "check on me")




Faith arrives at 2:15pm . Aquila's heart tones are in the 170's and my temp is almost 101. They all are trying to cool me off with cool cloths and tea. the pain is intense and when i check myself i cannot feel very much cervix. at around 3:45 everyone is out of the room except me and Faith. i pass three chunks into the tub. i pick them up to throw them away. they are blood clots, hard, gelatinous, and about 1-2 TB in size. (Faith records this in her notes as "bloody show")
At this point Aquila's heartones are at or above 180 almost every time, but on the records it shows them as 170's...
Faith checks me, because i am acting and feeling like i must be in transition- INTENSE, almost non-stop contractions, and "pushy" feelings, and retching from the the intensity. I am only 5-6. This is were i lost all calm and got scared. there was no way i could do this, and now Faith was wanting me to get out of the tub to try to cool me down. After getting out i notice i am dripping blood, which i show to Faith. I labor for some time out of the tub, and the contractions don't ever stop. i remember saying "they just don't stop. the won't let go!"

I start SCREAMING with every contraction. i say (at least three times) "i can't do this. i want to go to the hospital. i want an epidural"
~~it is very important to note here that i said this at least ONE HOUR before we tried to transfer. An hour before she died. And in the birth records, Faith repeatedly states that i was refusing to transfer. She NEVER said "transfer" to me.She never said "emergency", or "abruption". This is backed up by the other 3 people at my birth.
Faith was not even in the room for we asking to go- she was gone out of the room for at least 20 minutes, on the phone.
When she gets back she check me on the bed. Still 5-6. When i get up the chux pad is stained the color of vomit. It perplexed me at the time, but later i figured out it was blood and meconium. In the birth records she states it was bloody show and clear fluid. At this point i say " my mom had a baby die from an abruption". Faith says nothing. Finally my husband and doula start dressing me to transfer, while faith is packing her stuff. I realize how very far away the hospital really is...
~~please if reading this because of the tag "homebirth" pay close attention to these words. The hospital was 3 MINUTES from my house. But that means NOTHING when bad bad things are happening and you are in hard labor. it took at least 30 minutes to get to the car. 30 MINUTES. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are safer than you are.
My contractions at this point were what is called Tetonic- never stopping. This is a huge red flag of an abruption. I could not take a step without a contraction. My doula at this point says to Faith, "should we just call EMS? it will be faster than getting her dressed and downstairs?" Faith says no.
I make the most physically painful journey of my like down the hallway, downstairs and out to the car, only to find Faith wants me to go in a different car than her, which at the time made no sense and still does not. why would you leave the laboring woman to drive without a care provider?
As i am trying to climb into Amy's passenger seat i have the urge to go- you know the i am about to push out this baby feeling? i make it back to the living room, where i yell for my son to get off the couch. Bethany herds them upstairs. I don't even get my underwear off (those stretchy, post-birth, throw away ones). She slips out into my hands, completely limp, in a river of blood.


After birth: 5:30 pm December 19th 2009

Faith had packed up all her equipment, so she had nothing to even suction Aquila, so she was sucking blood out with her mouth.she yelled for someone to get her the bulb syringe and call 911. Her and Amy started CPR while i sat on the couch next to Aquila. I held her foot, limp and pale, and rubbed it. It took EMS 12 minutes to get there.
When they came in they took over with Aquila and Faith came and sat in front of me watching the paramedics work. i asked her if she (Aquila) could live after this long. she said "she is not going to make it".
i had strong pains.She asked if it was the placenta. I said yes as i pulled up a clot the size of a placenta (the birth records Say it was a cup sized). then i got pains again and passed the actual placenta. Faith's records say i stopped bleeding after this, but i didn't and she never checked my bleeding. she should have given me pictocin.
~~note here- they DO NOT Carry Pictocin in ambulances (at least the don't in Austin TX). my paramedic also had NO IDEA how to do a uterus massage, so i bled all the way to hospital. I am so very lucky i did not die. A large percentage of mothers hemmorage to death with an abruption bad enough to kill the baby.
Here is my second biggest regret of my life (second only to choosing homebirth with a "hand's off" midwife). the paramedics asked me where we should take Aquila. they suggested Dell children's hospital-saying that they had a better NICU than the hospital 3 minutes away (later to find out this was not true). The said they would take me to Brakenridge, which they said would let Aquila come to me at that hospital- completely untrue..Brack and Dell were about 20 minuted from my house. longer to bleed for me, longer to not be in a hospital for her (though i wish the would have called time of death at my house so i could have just had her with me).
We are put into separate ambulances.Gabe goes with her, Amy with me. When i get to the hospital i end up passing out from blood loss. They do two manual extractions of clots to get my bleeding to slow. I find out after this that she has been declared dead and Gabe is coming to the hospital. Gabe ends up in the ER about an hour after getting there from a migraine (stress) that makes it hard to see. They give him a shot of morphine. At this point i am freaking out because they are saying they cannot bring Aquila's body from the other hospital- the only one who can pick her up is the medical examiner. Apparently, since she died at home they opened an investigation. at this point the med examiner was threatening an autopsy without our consent.i would not even be able to see my baby until days later, possible after being cut up. This is part of m story i have never written, because it is the biggest nightmare. All i wanted was to hold my daughter, see her and tell her goodbye. i never did. At least, not until 3 days later. she was cold and discolored from time. i Spent those 3 days Hyperventilating and sobbing- not because she was dead-i could accept that- but because i could not even see her.
This is first time i saw her, at the funeral home.



so that, that is what my homebirth cost me.